Divorce

[schwartmrs]

A friend has come to me for help. She has left her husband because of abuse. She is a "mainstream Christian" and feels guilty because there was no actual adultery (which, she has been taught is the only valid grounds for divorce.)

I know that this is not the prevailing doctrine that has been handed down from Judaism, but I'd like some confirmation of that.

As a Messianic community, what would your advice be for this woman?

[Henaynei]

One of the highest mitzvot is that of saving a life --- abuse **always** gets worse and will eventually escalate into destroying her life and that of her children (if she has any). It may not be physical death, but it will be emotional, psychological and spiritual death.

If she does not want to divorce him right now I would counsel protected separation (as in a safe house) and a restraining order. And she needs to get together with other women who have survived abuse and been strong enough to leave it.

[mjterry87]

I believe that she has a duty to protect herself, and her children from this man. No, their has been no adultery, but no man should treat his wife how he is. All I have to say is that she should try to get some counseling, and try to fix the marriage, but if the violence, if any, goes furthur then she should get out.

[By Grace]

Aaah! I get so mad when people try to pressure women into staying in abusive marriages, esp. when there are children. :mad: I'm glad Henaynei mentioned Judaism's take on it. I don't have any Scriptural references to help, but I know for certain in my heart that G-d didn't expect women to put up with that. It's hard enough for them to leave, then to have to listen to all the self-righteous condemnation from, mostly, male elders/deacons who have no clue what it's like to dread the sound of your husband returning home after work because you don't know whether you'll even make it to bedtime in one piece or not. Abused wives live their lives in complete fear and don't know the peace that G-d intended for them to have. Kudos to her for having the courage to leave.

[mjterry87]

Aaah! I get so mad when people try to pressure women into staying in abusive marriages, esp. when there are children. :mad: I'm glad Henaynei mentioned Judaism's take on it. I don't have any Scriptural references to help, but I know for certain in my heart that G-d didn't expect women to put up with that. It's hard enough for them to leave, then to have to listen to all the self-righteous condemnation from, mostly, male elders/deacons who have no clue what it's like to dread the sound of your husband returning home after work because you don't know whether you'll even make it to bedtime in one piece or not. Abused wives live their lives in complete fear and don't know the peace that G-d intended for them to have. Kudos to her for having the courage to leave.

I know how it feels, my dad used to hit my mom. He used to be a total ****, but he changed! My mom stuck in their, and he changed. Now he is nothing like he was 5 years ago, and my mom and dad have such a loving relationship. I admit, it was hard when they fought, but I am glad that I have two parents now instead of just a mom and dad who don't live together.

[Yasatora]

I, myself was in a abusive relationship, and I prayed for my husband's salvation. I also prayed that the Lord would protect me from His abusiveness. The Lord did, and in one instance, he was wanting to be physically sexually abusive and I told Him that he had better not or the Lord would stop him. He laughed nervously but proceeded anyway and was struck down with a boil on his XXXXX XXXXXX so fast that he was stopped dead in his tracks. I told him that that was one of the plagues given the the Egyptians. He had to go to the hospital and there he asked the doctor about it. The doctor said that it was an ingrown hair, (not <edit> possible due to where the boil was) anyway I said, "well, who do you think turned the hair in?" From that time on, he had a healthy respect for the Lord's protection of me, and there was no more abuse as long as I was standing up for God.

I am not suggesting that anyone stay in abusive relatioship, but for those who have the strength that only the Lord can give, they can stay and be warriors for God. It will be a time of much prayer and viligence. It will be hard and a greater need to be closer to the Lord in continuely in season and out strong in the word. It will be mighty for the works of the Lord in the work of salvation. Only the mature strong in spirit can stand in the line of fire for God. All the strength I was given to do the things that God wanted at the right time and place were for his salvation. It was rewarding for my own salvation to be in such a work, for the strength in the Lord I have today is because of the lessons I learned the hard way, not necessarily the way that God wanted me to learn them either.

[Pray4Isrel]

A wonderful book for her to read is called "Hope for the Separated" by Gary Chapman, which explains how getting away from an abusive situation is the right thing to do. G-d wants us to care enough NOT to submit ourselves to abuse.
The book addresses all issues involving separation, not just abuse. But I would still recommend it. You can buy it on amazon used for about $4.00.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0802436366/qid=1091648643/sr=ka-1/ref=pd_ka_1/102-1923415-9596153

But also I would recommend many other books out there dealing with divorce/separation/abusive relationships, etc.
And definitely christian counseling, not secular.