Church elder dilemma

[TankGirl]

I'm more of lurker than a poster in these parts, but I just posted this in WD, and would really like some opinions from you guys in here, too.

Apologies in advance that this is rather long...

We have an elder at our church who is the archetypal grumpy old man. He is grumpy with everyone, I'm told, but he has a particular problem with me (I know this via observation, but also because my Pastor has told me). And I am reaching the point of being unable to deal with it any longer.

He refuses to look at me, rarely acknowledges me, and frequently completely ignores me when I address him directly. 90% of the time he only speaks to me to pass on some snide, demeaning put-down - delivered with eyes down, back half turned towards me, in a low mumble.

I have tried & tried to deal with this...I have discussed it with my Pastor (whom I love, admire & respect immensely), prayed about it & worked very, very hard on my attitude and issues of not taking offense.

Last night at our mid-week meeting, I sat next to him. He didn't acknowledge, grumbled under his breath at me, was down right rude, and quite frankly had the attitude of a sulky toddler on him all evening. We left early as it was dd's first day of school, which has caused me to really consider this carefully. DD was exhausted this morning (we had her in bed by 9pm, but it was still too late for her - she's 11), so after much deliberation I have decided to use her as an excuse to not go to the meetings anymore. DH will still go, which I'm pleased about, but I'm just not prepared to put myself in that situation any longer. I intend to tell my Pastor that this elder is the primary reason for me not attending, and dd is a secondary excuse (we could, after all, alternate which weeks we go/go & leave earlier/wait til her routine is more settled/get a babysitter etc).

Obviously this does not in any way solve the problem, but it is impossible to address issues with someone who behaves like a spoilt child & won't even look at you, let alone speak...

I have another problem though, which is that I lead our youth discipleship group & it meets at his house. I am naturally unhappy about this and don't want to be in the home of someone who treats me with such loathing & contempt. I am totally committed to the youth groupd, however, and so need to work out a way to move forward in all of this...

I would value any opinions on this situation. Thanks for reading...

[trentlogain]

What does your pastor say when you tell him this?

[MaidforHim]

I'm more of lurker than a poster in these parts, but I just posted this in WD, and would really like some opinions from you guys in here, too.

Apologies in advance that this is rather long...

We have an elder at our church who is the archetypal grumpy old man. He is grumpy with everyone, I'm told, but he has a particular problem with me (I know this via observation, but also because my Pastor has told me). And I am reaching the point of being unable to deal with it any longer.

He refuses to look at me, rarely acknowledges me, and frequently completely ignores me when I address him directly. 90% of the time he only speaks to me to pass on some snide, demeaning put-down - delivered with eyes down, back half turned towards me, in a low mumble.

I have tried & tried to deal with this...I have discussed it with my Pastor (whom I love, admire & respect immensely), prayed about it & worked very, very hard on my attitude and issues of not taking offense.

Last night at our mid-week meeting, I sat next to him. He didn't acknowledge, grumbled under his breath at me, was down right rude, and quite frankly had the attitude of a sulky toddler on him all evening. We left early as it was dd's first day of school, which has caused me to really consider this carefully. DD was exhausted this morning (we had her in bed by 9pm, but it was still too late for her - she's 11), so after much deliberation I have decided to use her as an excuse to not go to the meetings anymore. DH will still go, which I'm pleased about, but I'm just not prepared to put myself in that situation any longer. I intend to tell my Pastor that this elder is the primary reason for me not attending, and dd is a secondary excuse (we could, after all, alternate which weeks we go/go & leave earlier/wait til her routine is more settled/get a babysitter etc).

Obviously this does not in any way solve the problem, but it is impossible to address issues with someone who behaves like a spoilt child & won't even look at you, let alone speak...

I have another problem though, which is that I lead our youth discipleship group & it meets at his house. I am naturally unhappy about this and don't want to be in the home of someone who treats me with such loathing & contempt. I am totally committed to the youth groupd, however, and so need to work out a way to move forward in all of this...

I would value any opinions on this situation. Thanks for reading...

This sounds like a very unsettling situation for you. I'm not sure I understand a couple of things though.

First - why do you have to be near this man at all? I mean not everyone in a church, work or school situation is going to get along perfectly. If your church is very small I understand how it would be hard to avoid this man, but if it is larger why not just steer clear it sounds like everyone knows he has a sour attitude.

Second - I wonder why any church would choose someone of this character as an elder, he certainly is not reflecting the nature of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

If your church is small and you really cannot avoid this old crab I would suggest that you and your husband sit down with your pastor and talk with him about it and see what you can come up with together to help remedy the situation. Maybe after meeting with you as a couple he might want to meet with this man separately and then eventually with you and your husband to see if you all can find the source of his ornery attitude toward you and maybe find some common ground. Your pastor should at the very least set some boundaries for him by outlining what is and what is not acceptable behavior for an elder it he church. As I said before this man is not reflecting the nature of Jesus and that kind of behavior is not a good witness to visiting seekers.

I would start by praying for this old guy, it sounds like he's a very, very unhappy soul.

Best Wishes

[trentlogain]

Wow. This sounds terrible. It makes me thank God for what I have in my local assembly.

[TankGirl]

Thanks guys.

My pastor is VERY understanding of the situation. When we talk about it, he encourages me to stand my ground, and wherever possible to bring things out into the open. And to continue to pray. He believes we will see a breakthrough, and understands that it is very hard for me.

We are a small congregation. The problem seems to arise from the fact that our church grew out of a homegroup that was hosted in this elder's home. As far as I can ascertain, there have been these difficulties for a very long time. It almost seems as though other people have become so accustomed to the situation that they hardly notice it. Our pastor was appointed to the position of "Senior Elder" by the leadership of the fellowship of churches we are affiliated to. It seems this put noses out of joint. There are a core of older people who are very strong-willed & opinionated. There is a great deal of arrogance around them, and they seem to think they own the church. They are deeply condescending & patronising towards me. I wonder if I am viewed as this young up-start, johnny-come-lately figure. They all treat me as a very young, immature in faith & understanding child in need of constant correction...:sigh: The fact is that I'm certainly not young, am of significantly above average intelligence, quick-witted, and I've been walking with the Lord for close to 15 years (and had a good level of Bible knowledge for many years before that). To be constantly patted on the head in a "there-there" manner is deeply frustrating...

I realise this paints a terribly negative picture of my church. Please don't misunderstand me - I love my church. I completely adore my pastor - he is a wonderfully wise, humble & Spirit-led man, not afraid to make unpopular decisions. But my concern levels rise as I introduce more & more people into the church & they meet this frosty, patronising reception.

It's a tough situation...

[JDIBe]

Perhaps one solution might be to go up to the man alone and ask, "What is it that you have against me?"

You can sit here and guess all day and talk about it with your Pastor, set up meetings with intermediaries, pass messages back and forth all year, and involve 30 other people in the whole mess, but you'll never know until you ask. (Maybe it's a guy thing.....)

[blueguy]

I'm more of lurker than a poster in these parts, but I just posted this in WD, and would really like some opinions from you guys in here, too.

Apologies in advance that this is rather long...

We have an elder at our church who is the archetypal grumpy old man. He is grumpy with everyone, I'm told, but he has a particular problem with me (I know this via observation, but also because my Pastor has told me). And I am reaching the point of being unable to deal with it any longer.

He refuses to look at me, rarely acknowledges me, and frequently completely ignores me when I address him directly. 90% of the time he only speaks to me to pass on some snide, demeaning put-down - delivered with eyes down, back half turned towards me, in a low mumble.

I have tried & tried to deal with this...I have discussed it with my Pastor (whom I love, admire & respect immensely), prayed about it & worked very, very hard on my attitude and issues of not taking offense.

Last night at our mid-week meeting, I sat next to him. He didn't acknowledge, grumbled under his breath at me, was down right rude, and quite frankly had the attitude of a sulky toddler on him all evening. We left early as it was dd's first day of school, which has caused me to really consider this carefully. DD was exhausted this morning (we had her in bed by 9pm, but it was still too late for her - she's 11), so after much deliberation I have decided to use her as an excuse to not go to the meetings anymore. DH will still go, which I'm pleased about, but I'm just not prepared to put myself in that situation any longer. I intend to tell my Pastor that this elder is the primary reason for me not attending, and dd is a secondary excuse (we could, after all, alternate which weeks we go/go & leave earlier/wait til her routine is more settled/get a babysitter etc).

Obviously this does not in any way solve the problem, but it is impossible to address issues with someone who behaves like a spoilt child & won't even look at you, let alone speak...

I have another problem though, which is that I lead our youth discipleship group & it meets at his house. I am naturally unhappy about this and don't want to be in the home of someone who treats me with such loathing & contempt. I am totally committed to the youth groupd, however, and so need to work out a way to move forward in all of this...

I would value any opinions on this situation. Thanks for reading...Sounds like he is using power and intimidation against you , I would just ignore him. Remember, your there to worship the Lord.

[TankGirl]

Perhaps one solution might be to go up to the man alone and ask, "What is it that you have against me?"

You can sit here and guess all day and talk about it with your Pastor, set up meetings with intermediaries, pass messages back and forth all year, and involve 30 other people in the whole mess, but you'll never know until you ask. (Maybe it's a guy thing.....)

Or perhaps it's the fact that he turns his back & refuses to acknowledge me whenever I say something he doesn't want to hear? ;)

I've tried ignoring, I've tried being loving, I've tried carrying on as normal. I'm increasingly of the opinion that this is a terrible way for an elder to behave, and will potentially cause immense strife for the church as a whole, particularly as new people come in...

If you were seeking/newly walking with the Lord, what would your response be to this kind of treatment?

[JDIBe]

Or perhaps it's the fact that he turns his back & refuses to acknowledge me whenever I say something he doesn't want to hear? ;)

I've tried ignoring, I've tried being loving, I've tried carrying on as normal. I'm increasingly of the opinion that this is a terrible way for an elder to behave, and will potentially cause immense strife for the church as a whole, particularly as new people come in...

If you were seeking/newly walking with the Lord, what would your response be to this kind of treatment?

But have you tried actually asking?? :) Sometimes if you let things fester, they just get worse. ("I'm increasingly of the opinion....") If you ask directly, you at least know. (You may not like what you find out, but at least you know.)

Regardless, I get the impression there is probably something going on that is more than just you, but I could be wrong. (See below)


We are a small congregation. The problem seems to arise from the fact that our church grew out of a homegroup that was hosted in this elder's home. As far as I can ascertain, there have been these difficulties for a very long time. It almost seems as though other people have become so accustomed to the situation that they hardly notice it. Our pastor was appointed to the position of "Senior Elder" by the leadership of the fellowship of churches we are affiliated to. It seems this put noses out of joint. There are a core of older people who are very strong-willed & opinionated. There is a great deal of arrogance around them, and they seem to think they own the church. They are deeply condescending & patronising towards me. I wonder if I am viewed as this young up-start, johnny-come-lately figure. They all treat me as a very young, immature in faith & understanding child in need of constant correction...:sigh: The fact is that I'm certainly not young, am of significantly above average intelligence, quick-witted, and I've been walking with the Lord for close to 15 years (and had a good level of Bible knowledge for many years before that). To be constantly patted on the head in a "there-there" manner is deeply frustrating...

I realise this paints a terribly negative picture of my church. Please don't misunderstand me - I love my church. I completely adore my pastor - he is a wonderfully wise, humble & Spirit-led man, not afraid to make unpopular decisions. But my concern levels rise as I introduce more & more people into the church & they meet this frosty, patronising reception.

[TankGirl]

But have you tried actually asking?? :) Sometimes if you let things fester, they just get worse. ("I'm increasingly of the opinion....") If you ask directly, you at least know. (You may not like what you find out, but at least you know.)

Regardless, I get the impression there is probably something going on that is more than just you, but I could be wrong. (See below)

Oh yes, there's definitely PLENTY going on. Thing about going to him privately is that I have been specifically counselled against that - there is apparantly a history there, and I have been advised to only tackle things in a public arena. And I don't feel it's respectful to call someone out like that in a general forum. I would like to do so in the company of my pastor, but that would need to be agreed with him...

[JDIBe]

Oh yes, there's definitely PLENTY going on. Thing about going to him privately is that I have been specifically counselled against that - there is apparantly a history there, and I have been advised to only tackle things in a public arena. And I don't feel it's respectful to call someone out like that in a general forum. I would like to do so in the company of my pastor, but that would need to be agreed with him...

Well, if you've been counselled against that, then there is something going on there I don't know about. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt that's not a good idea. I agree with you it's not a matter for a public forum.

Good luck with your situation.

[Kelly]

Is it because he's an old fart and you have purple hair? (j/k)

Seriously, I see nothing wrong with approaching him at service and saying something like "we shouldn't let the sun go down on our anger and, it may be just my imagination, but I think you are upset with me for some reason. Since we are both part of this church's body, we should work this out..." I mean, how can someone refuse someone approaching out of an honest desire to get to the root of the problem?

[TankGirl]

Is it because he's an old fart and you have purple hair? (j/k)

Seriously, I see nothing wrong with approaching him at service and saying something like "we shouldn't let the sun go down on our anger and, it may be just my imagination, but I think you are upset with me for some reason. Since we are both part of this church's body, we should work this out..." I mean, how can someone refuse someone approaching out of an honest desire to get to the root of the problem?

Could well be! I think it's a combination of me being what he percieves as *young*, female, smart, *new* to the congregation (4 years :doh:), an ardent supporter of our pastor (who "usurped" his "rightful" position) & challenging... I'm certain he thinks I should behave like a victorian child... Hubby thinks he can't handle a female who's so much more intelligent than he is... Whatever it is, I can't deal with everything being so blessedly convoluted! If it were down to me, I would just confront things, clear the air, and if he didn't like it, he could lump it... But there's so many murky undercurrents, it's hard...

Perhaps I could approach him in that manner with my pastor as mediator... he really will have to be forced into a corner to communicate with me...

I know I need to speak with my pastor again about this... I just so hate to cause trouble for him...:sigh:

[MaidforHim]

I think your pastor has a responsibility to at least try to put a stop to this behavior.

[hushabyemargie]

Because he is an older man, it would be more appropriate for your pastor to approach him. He will be more likely to tell the pastor the truth, as well. If that doesn't result in a change in his behavior, you still need to treat him with courtesy and respect. We are required to love everyone, even the cranky old men. :)

[rob64]

I'm more of lurker than a poster in these parts, but I just posted this in WD, and would really like some opinions from you guys in here, too.

Apologies in advance that this is rather long...

We have an elder at our church who is the archetypal grumpy old man. He is grumpy with everyone, I'm told, but he has a particular problem with me (I know this via observation, but also because my Pastor has told me). And I am reaching the point of being unable to deal with it any longer.

He refuses to look at me, rarely acknowledges me, and frequently completely ignores me when I address him directly. 90% of the time he only speaks to me to pass on some snide, demeaning put-down - delivered with eyes down, back half turned towards me, in a low mumble.

I have tried & tried to deal with this...I have discussed it with my Pastor (whom I love, admire & respect immensely), prayed about it & worked very, very hard on my attitude and issues of not taking offense.

Last night at our mid-week meeting, I sat next to him. He didn't acknowledge, grumbled under his breath at me, was down right rude, and quite frankly had the attitude of a sulky toddler on him all evening. We left early as it was dd's first day of school, which has caused me to really consider this carefully. DD was exhausted this morning (we had her in bed by 9pm, but it was still too late for her - she's 11), so after much deliberation I have decided to use her as an excuse to not go to the meetings anymore. DH will still go, which I'm pleased about, but I'm just not prepared to put myself in that situation any longer. I intend to tell my Pastor that this elder is the primary reason for me not attending, and dd is a secondary excuse (we could, after all, alternate which weeks we go/go & leave earlier/wait til her routine is more settled/get a babysitter etc).

Obviously this does not in any way solve the problem, but it is impossible to address issues with someone who behaves like a spoilt child & won't even look at you, let alone speak...

I have another problem though, which is that I lead our youth discipleship group & it meets at his house. I am naturally unhappy about this and don't want to be in the home of someone who treats me with such loathing & contempt. I am totally committed to the youth groupd, however, and so need to work out a way to move forward in all of this...

I would value any opinions on this situation. Thanks for reading...

Let me get this straight, you are a LEADER in your church.?
Then you should know the scriptures that deal with this conflict.
And, if you don't know...I would question your leadership abilities.
We always refer to the Word of God

[TankGirl]

Because he is an older man, it would be more appropriate for your pastor to approach him. He will be more likely to tell the pastor the truth, as well. If that doesn't result in a change in his behavior, you still need to treat him with courtesy and respect. We are required to love everyone, even the cranky old men. :)

Thank you, that's good advice. I DO love him, and it upsets me to see him so wound up and antagonistic all the time. It's not good for him, and I'd love to see him free from all that bitterness.

Let me get this straight, you are a LEADER in your church.?
Then you should know the scriptures that deal with this conflict.
And, if you don't know...I would question your leadership abilities.
We always refer to the Word of God

No, I'm not in any way a leader in my church. I jointly *lead* (as in facilitate) a dicipleship group for our youth, with my pastor & his eldest daughter. In terms of the hierarchical structure of the church, I am a regular member of the congregation. But thank you for coming in and questioning my abilities. That was very loving of you.

[rob64]

Thank you, that's good advice. I DO love him, and it upsets me to see him so wound up and antagonistic all the time. It's not good for him, and I'd love to see him free from all that bitterness.



No, I'm not in any way a leader in my church. I jointly *lead* (as in facilitate) a dicipleship group for our youth, with my pastor & his eldest daughter. In terms of the hierarchical structure of the church, I am a regular member of the congregation. But thank you for coming in and questioning my abilities. That was very loving of you.

Look, jointly, or not, you still are in some capacity, a leader. And, I'm trying to point out the obvious to you, that the answer to how to deal with this person is in the scriptures. Are you denying that?
It seems like you are only interested in answers outside the scriptures

[Kelly]

And, if you don't know...I would question your leadership abilities.

Are any of your comments on this subject done in love as we are guided to do in 1 Corinthians. You don't know the OP at all and have already made so many negative assumptions.

Of course our sister knows what scriptures say, but aren't we here to help? We all know the right thing to do but the details in getting from step a to b can be different in each situation.

[TankGirl]

Are any of your comments on this subject done in love as we are guided to do in 1 Corinthians. You don't know the OP at all and have already made so many negative assumptions.

Of course our sister knows what scriptures say, but aren't we here to help? We all know the right thing to do but the details in getting from step a to b can be different in each situation.



Thank you :hug: I appreciate that very much. The situation WILL be resolved, with much prayer & petitioning, but it is an extremely complex situation which could easily be made SO much worse by marching in with hob-nailed boots on...

I do appreciate the input from you guys - it has helped get things much clearer in my mind. I hada really good talk with my pastor this evening, and feel very positive about things. We are praying for the right opportunity & the right words. God's timing is perfect, He is sovereign over all & the Holy Spirit WILL lead us into healing & reconcilliation, in the proper way, at the appointed time.

Thanks :)

[rob64]

Are any of your comments on this subject done in love as we are guided to do in 1 Corinthians. You don't know the OP at all and have already made so many negative assumptions.

Of course our sister knows what scriptures say, but aren't we here to help? We all know the right thing to do but the details in getting from step a to b can be different in each situation.

So many negative assumptions? could you show them all to me? I'm telling her that the answer to her problem is in the scriptures. Most christians know the scripture I'm refering to, and if she doesn't, someone needs to be letting her know. In fact, as of yet, i dont recall anyone on this thread steering her to the scripture that pertains to it. "BUT ARENT WE HERE TO HELP". Isn't pointing someone to the word of God help?

[TankGirl]

So many negative assumptions? could you show them all to me? I'm telling her that the answer to her problem is in the scriptures. Most christians know the scripture I'm refering to, and if she doesn't, someone needs to be letting her know. In fact, as of yet, i dont recall anyone on this thread steering her to the scripture that pertains to it. "BUT ARENT WE HERE TO HELP". Isn't pointing someone to the word of God help?

Hmmm, let me see...

You assume (wrongly) that I am a leader in my church...

You assume I don't know the Scriptures...

You assume that I have questionable leadership skills...

You assume that I need to be told to always refer to the Word of God...

You assume I need the obvious pointing out to me...

You assume that I am in denial of Scripture...

You assume that I am only interested in answers outside of Scripture...

She knows perfectly well which passage you're referring to, thank you very much.

And it's obvious that you need certain things pointing out... jumping into people's threads with condescending, patronising & sneering remarks; making sweeping assumptions; ignoring all the rules of good manners, is considered by most to be rather bad form. Particularly when you know precisely nothing about the person posting, and especially when you've only been around for 5 minutes. This is NOT the way to make friends and influence people.

Please, in future, THINK before you post, and if you can't say things nicely, don't say them at all.

[rob64]

Hmmm, let me see...

You assume (wrongly) that I am a leader in my church...

You assume I don't know the Scriptures...

You assume that I have questionable leadership skills...

You assume that I need to be told to always refer to the Word of God...

You assume I need the obvious pointing out to me...

You assume that I am in denial of Scripture...

You assume that I am only interested in answers outside of Scripture...

She knows perfectly well which passage you're referring to, thank you very much.

And it's obvious that you need certain things pointing out... jumping into people's threads with condescending, patronising & sneering remarks; making sweeping assumptions; ignoring all the rules of good manners, is considered by most to be rather bad form. Particularly when you know precisely nothing about the person posting, and especially when you've only been around for 5 minutes. This is NOT the way to make friends and influence people.

Please, in future, THINK before you post, and if you can't say things nicely, don't say them at all.

I see
I think you are right, I've been very rude.
My apologies

If I could just add that in 1st Tim. we are told, "Rebuke not an elder". Someone previously tried to say that we can rebuke them as long as we do so in front of two or three witnesses.
Wrong! If you read 1st. Tim. 5 (the whole thing) It says rebuke not an elder, but treat them as your father. Further, it says that we arent even suposed to recieve any acusations against an elder, unless there are 2 or 3 witnesses who back up the acusation.
I think the reason I was getting preturbed is because nobody, and I mean nobody, was using our owners manual for guidance.
I.m truely sorry if I offended you.
I ALWAYS speak up for the truth, especially concerning church discipline, because nobody else is doing so. And sometimes I get agrivated. Sorry.
Also, 1st. Peter Chapter 5 says we are supposed to "SUBMIT TO THE ELDERS"
Given these references to submission, I thought it weird that you wouldn't want to submit to this guy. And nobody else is telling you truth of the matter.
Peace
PS Where in the world is Stroud?

[TankGirl]

Thank you very much :hug: I appreciate your apology.

These are the passages you are refering to?
1 Timothy 5
1Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father.
and
17The elders who direct the affairs of the church well are worthy of double honor, especially those whose work is preaching and teaching. 18For the Scripture says, "Do not muzzle the ox while it is treading out the grain," and "The worker deserves his wages."[c (http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=61&chapter=5&version=31#fen-NIV-29766c)] 19Do not entertain an accusation against an elder unless it is brought by two or three witnesses. 20Those who sin are to be rebuked publicly, so that the others may take warning.
and
1 Peter 5
1To the elders among you, I appeal as a fellow elder, a witness of Christ's sufferings and one who also will share in the glory to be revealed: 2Be shepherds of God's flock that is under your care, serving as overseers—not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not greedy for money, but eager to serve; 3[B]not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock. 4And when the Chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the crown of glory that will never fade away.
5Young men, in the same way be submissive to those who are older. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because,
"God opposes the proud
but gives grace to the humble."[a (http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20Peter%205%20;&version=31;#fen-NIV-30455a)] 6Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 7Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

I have the ultimate respect for my Pastor, whom I love & trust very much (he is the primary preacher & teacher in our church).

I also love this other elder, and it hurts me to see him behaving in such a destructive way. I'm not sure how I'm meant to be submissive to him, however... He doesn't preach, he doesn't teach...his only interactions with me are to shun or badmouth me. I'm pretty sure I'm not meant to submissively accept his bad treatment of me? That would certainly do nothing to edify the body...

I haven't made any unfounded accusations. His behaviour towards me is there for all to see. I spoke to my Pastor at length yesterday, and have informed him of my decision, which is that if this man cannot cope with me, despite my best efforts, then it is better if I stay out of his way. And that I am deeply concerned about the affect of his negative behaviour on new members of the congregation.

He is well aware of the situation, in all it's deep-rooted complexities. He has assured me that I am not at fault, and that action will be taken, but it is a case of prayerfully seeking the proper opportunity.

It has helped me tremendously to be able to talk things out here. I appreciate everyone's input. Many thanks.

[rob64]

Thank you very much :hug: I appreciate your apology.

These are the passages you are refering to?

and

and


I have the ultimate respect for my Pastor, whom I love & trust very much (he is the primary preacher & teacher in our church).

I also love this other elder, and it hurts me to see him behaving in such a destructive way. I'm not sure how I'm meant to be submissive to him, however... He doesn't preach, he doesn't teach...his only interactions with me are to shun or badmouth me. I'm pretty sure I'm not meant to submissively accept his bad treatment of me? That would certainly do nothing to edify the body...

I haven't made any unfounded accusations. His behaviour towards me is there for all to see. I spoke to my Pastor at length yesterday, and have informed him of my decision, which is that if this man cannot cope with me, despite my best efforts, then it is better if I stay out of his way. And that I am deeply concerned about the affect of his negative behaviour on new members of the congregation.

He is well aware of the situation, in all it's deep-rooted complexities. He has assured me that I am not at fault, and that action will be taken, but it is a case of prayerfully seeking the proper opportunity.

It has helped me tremendously to be able to talk things out here. I appreciate everyone's input. Many thanks.

Thank YOU for accepting my apology. I've had to deal with grumpy elders as well, here's how I dealt with it; I saw him eating a Butter Fingers candy bar one time, so I made it a point to go buy the biggest Butter Fingers candy bar I could find, and give it to him. Believe it or not, that simple candy bar broke the ice, and we actually 'bonded' after that
Maybe buy him a tie, or something inexpensive, as a gift. Gift wrap it. Invite him to lunch. Befriend him. He's obviously not going to do it, so step up to the plate! You WILL win him over.

[TankGirl]

Thank YOU for accepting my apology. I've had to deal with grumpy elders as well, here's how I dealt with it; I saw him eating a Butter Fingers candy bar one time, so I made it a point to go buy the biggest Butter Fingers candy bar I could find, and give it to him. Believe it or not, that simple candy bar broke the ice, and we actually 'bonded' after that
Maybe buy him a tie, or something inexpensive, as a gift. Gift wrap it. Invite him to lunch. Befriend him. He's obviously not going to do it, so step up to the plate! You WILL win him over.

Thank you. Those are kind words. I do look for opportunities to be loving to him...I compliment him on his appearance - he makes a real effort to dress nicely for church - I thank him when he prays - I even gave him a big hug recently when prayed so beautifully for my friend's daughter's best friend who's anorexic... I really have tried to be as warm & genuine as I can. I will be very open to further peace-making opportunities.

I am meeting with the youth in his home this evening. I'd appreciate your prayers that there won't be any atmosphere.

[rob64]

Thank you. Those are kind words. I do look for opportunities to be loving to him...I compliment him on his appearance - he makes a real effort to dress nicely for church - I thank him when he prays - I even gave him a big hug recently when prayed so beautifully for my friend's daughter's best friend who's anorexic... I really have tried to be as warm & genuine as I can. I will be very open to further peace-making opportunities.

I am meeting with the youth in his home this evening. I'd appreciate your prayers that there won't be any atmosphere.

If I could show you another option on this;

We as christians have power (in Jesus name) over all the power of the enemy. Let me give you a testimony of God's power. I used to attend a church where there was a huge amount of negativity going on. So, I closed my eyes and took authority over the "influences" and evil presence I felt, and welcomed the Holy Ghost in the place, and then just thanked God for doing it, in advance. Sister, as soon as I opened my eyes, the fellow who was seated to my right, and the one in back, got up and marched out of there!!! God's power is much greater!!!
"We wrestle not against flesh and blood..." Your battle is NOT with this MAN, but against whatever is "driving him"
The power is not us, it's the name of JESUS that causes demons to flee

[TankGirl]

If I could show you another option on this;

We as christians have power (in Jesus name) over all the power of the enemy. Let me give you a testimony of God's power. I used to attend a church where there was a huge amount of negativity going on. So, I closed my eyes and took authority over the "influences" and evil presence I felt, and welcomed the Holy Ghost in the place, and then just thanked God for doing it, in advance. Sister, as soon as I opened my eyes, the fellow who was seated to my right, and the one in back, got up and marched out of there!!! God's power is much greater!!!
"We wrestle not against flesh and blood..." Your battle is NOT with this MAN, but against whatever is "driving him"
The power is not us, it's the name of JESUS that causes demons to flee

That is HUGELY encouraging :hug: Thank you so much for that. I agree completely with the Ephesians quote, and try to keep that in mind at all times. It is the not the man I have a problem with but his behaviour (and what's behind it).

I went to the house last night & he was just leaving to go help his son. I wished him a lovely evening, and he did acknowledge me (kind of ;)), although he still won't look at me... So I felt ok about it, and had a great evening with the kids.

I'll be off to my bible study with my pastor, his wife, and a very close friend who's quite new in her faith tomorrow. My friend feels intimidated by the main group, so meets earlier in the evening, and invited me to go with her. The timing is perfect, and they're just about to start a Derek Prince study which God told me a couple of months ago that I should do, but I hadn't got round to it! And it still means my husband can go to the main group when I get home to babysit. So things seem to be falling into place. Just need to keep praying for oportunities for my Pastor to begin to tackle the root causes...