Getting Married - Children

[Bride-to-be]

I am getting married in 2 months and my fiance and I have been discussing birth control and children.

I wanted to go on the pill, but I am at wits end with everyone saying that the Greek Orthodox Church is against it. We may look into Natural Family Planning.

The thing is my fiance wanted to have children straight away, he told someone (before he met me) that his wife would get pregnant on the first night. I told him that I am not ready to have children straight away as it is a life long commitment and a great responsibility.

My fiance proposed to me when we where dating for six months, then we started the wedding planning straight away. We have been together for a year all up. Is there anything wrong with wanting to wait to have children until I am ready? Am I been selfish with wanting a few months to be married and then deciding whether to have children? I just want to have more time with my future husband. This year we have been busy with many other things and hardly had any alone time together. The first year of marriage is always the hardest and takes time to adjust to not been under parents roof and living with some new person that you hardly know their habits.

All around me there are many couples that have been married for years and not had children yet.

I know the bible quotes: to be fruitful and multiply. All I can say is that I am not ready to be doing the multiplying.

I have been sick for almost a year with my bowel and want to be in top health before I get pregnant.

[Rindicella]

No there is nothing wrong with you for wanting to wait. I find your fiance's comments to be a tad insenstive, to say the least. Go to your priest and explain the situation ---- better yet, where's your godmother in all this? Have you talked to her? You need guidance from not just a priest, but also a spiritual mother.

Spacing children is perfectly acceptable in the Church. What people say here, on this message board, is just the opinion of lay people...none of us are priests or nuns, or anything else that is qualified to "speak for the Church". I am concerned for you that the only opinions you get are the ones on a message board...you need input from women in your life, in your immediate circle ...what do they say?

Best wishes to you,
R.

[rusmeister]

You should talk to your priest, together with your fiance if possible.


It sounds like you don't yet know much about Orthodox teaching (please correct me if I'm wrong).

There are a lot of modern attitudes out there - it is hard to know which ones you hold. How committed to the Orthodox Church are you (be it Greek, Russian, American or whatever)? Are you willing to submit whatever the world has taught you to what the Church teaches and your priest has to say? To concede the possibility that the Church might have a whole lot more wisdom than you or me, and that your priest might be able to share some of it with you?

Just having an Orthodox label is no guarantee that things won't fall apart a year or three from now. The only chance, if you ask me, is to completely submit yourself to the Church and to Christ, and if this were to lead you to conceive on the first night, could you say, like Mary, "Let the will of the Lord be done."? (Or whatever worse-case scenario seems to be for you right now)

Wherever the best path for happiness for you lies, you probably can't see it. Like the rest of us, you only think you see it. Trust in God and in the Church.

[Kristos]

It's good these issues are getting out in the open now, before you get married.

Are you going to pre-marital counciling? If you are, that's great!

Maybe I'm wrong, but I've never seen anything that says "waiting" to have children is any better or worse for a marriage. My first marriage, we "waited" 3 years, but then things fell apart. Second marriage, first time boom, born 9 months later and we are still madly in love. Seems to me that "waiting" only serves your selfishness, which does not prepare you for children in anyway.

[Stringaling]

I agree with Kristos..I know a couple who waited till she was done with her education, till this and till that and they got so used to their child free lifestyle that when they finally decided to adopt it came as a huge blow. They didn't realise how selfish they had been able to be with their time...However, since it seems that you only want to wait a few months, I wouldn't worry about it. when those few months start turning into years then it kinda becomes a problem with selfishness.

I advise you get started now with the Natural Family Planning stuff. It will take a couple of months for you to get the hang of it and start recognizing the signs of fertility. There are tons of resources online. Here is a link to a Basal Body Temperature chart. Google Basal Body temperature and read up on how it works. Y should be able to buy a BBT thermometer almost anywhere for about 9 or 10 dollars. Or order one online. This is how I track my fertile cycles since I am irregular. Its good for knowing when to try to or not to get pregnant.. Works pretty well.. Good luck!

http://http://www.babyhopes.com/download/bbtchart.pdf

[rusmeister]

And when it doesn't, it's a reminder that not everything either is or should be in our own hands, and some things are blessings even when we don't perceive them as such at the time.

[Tulip]

The problem with waiting to have children is that when you want children you may not be able to conceive or bring a child to term. The medical profession will not start any kind of test before you have been trying to conceive for at least 2 years.

I wanted to have children right away and got pregnant but unfortunately I had two miscarriages. I am now 45 years old and still no children. 10% of all couples have infertility problems. Nobody is guaranteed children.

In my opinion if a couple is not ready to have children they should postpone their wedding until they are ready.