alright some humor you want?

[Torah613]

How many breslever chasidim does it take to change a lightbulb?

none, Rebbe Nachman's light will shine till the time of HaMoshiach.

Yochanan

PS: add one of your own.

[ContraMundum]

How many Talmudic Sages does it take to change a light bulb?

R. Abiva heard from R. Millerstein, who heard from Rab Josy, who got it from R. David, who got it from Moses, that it would take three.
Whereupon, R. Marshmallow said that Moses said 'three' but meant 'two' since "light" has three radicals, but the vaw in the middle separates the light from the dark.

[ContraMundum]

How many pre-Maccabean Jewish writers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. There is no need. Abraham invented the light bulb (right after the plough), and Moses invented the first eternal light bulb (after inventing irrigation for the Nile).

[Torah613]

nods head sagely.

How many lubavitcher chasidim does it take to change a lightbulb?

well, we don't know, but we'll send people all over the world to the most out of hte way places till we find out!

How many Satmar chasidim does it take to change a lightbulb?

Change? Change? Chas V' Shalom!

[ContraMundum]

How many midrashic writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Fourteen, because the word for "pelican" has had fourteen cycles of meaning through the ages.

[ContraMundum]

How many Gnostic apocrypha writers does it take to change a light bulb?


Only one mature one, of the highest level...actually, at that level they ARE 'light bulbs'! ("Illuminators" I heard them call one another)

[ContraMundum]

Q: How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?

A: At least ten, as they need to hold a debate into whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the lightbulb they may not go ahead and change it for fear of alienating those who use fluorescent tubes.

[ContraMundum]

Q: How many Atheists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. But they are still in darkness.

[Torah613]

you mean chr*stian style gnostics? (i know you would disagree that they are chr*stian but you know what I mean) Hmm, don't knwo much about them, but I assume its funny.

Yochanan

[ContraMundum]

Lastly, a Christian one, personal fave of mine:

Q: How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: This statement was issued: "We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb (or light source, or non-dark resource), and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted--all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence."

[ContraMundum]

you mean chr*stian style gnostics? (i know you would disagree that they are chr*stian but you know what I mean) Hmm, don't knwo much about them, but I assume its funny.

Yochanan

There were a lot of gnostic ideas in some forms of Judaism too, but yes, that joke could apply to Eastern Gurus etc as well.

[Torah613]

if you mean the kabbalah center, I would agree. However I would say they aren't really Jewish, after all britney spears is a member (where's the aghast smiley when you need one).

Yochanan

[ContraMundum]

if you mean the kabbalah center, I would agree.

Bingo!

[Torah613]

although please note I do make a distinction between actual Kabbalah and what they do. As I'm sure you don't equate Julian of Norwich or francis of assisi or seraphim of sarov with the chr*Stian gnostics.

Yochanan

[Torah613]

now, back to your regularly scheduled humor thread.

Yochanan

[visionary]

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.

Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."

[visionary]

Q: How many non-believers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We just determine that the room is dark; we don't actually change the bulb. Since we have a dead-bulb result on file from a previous test, rest assured that Development is working on a bug fix.

[visionary]

Q: How many non-believers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We just determine that the room is dark; we don't actually change the bulb. Since we have a dead-bulb result on file from a previous test, rest assured that Development is working on a bug fix.

[visionary]

Q: How many non-believers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We just determine that the room is dark; we don't actually change the bulb. Since we have a dead-bulb result on file from a previous test, rest assured that Development is working on a bug fix.

[visionary]

Q: How many non-believers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We just determine that the room is dark; we don't actually change the bulb. Since we have a dead-bulb result on file from a previous test, rest assured that Development is working on a bug fix.

[Torah613]

vis, like that joke much? four posts in a row with the same thing wow!

Ok, so does anyone have any nonlightbulb humor?

yochanan

[ContraMundum]

although please note I do make a distinction between actual Kabbalah and what they do.

Exactly. I see the difference for sure. So, to help the onlookers:

For "Madonna's" "Kabbalah", see here: http://www.kabbalah.com/

For orthodox Kabbalah, see here: http://www.inner.org/kabbalah/beginner/intro.htm

As I'm sure you don't equate Julian of Norwich or francis of assisi or seraphim of sarov with the chr*Stian gnostics.

YochananIndeed!

[Torah613]

Contra, may I suggest a friendly edit:

you have For "Madonna's" Kabbalah, see here: http://www.kabbalah.com/ (http://www.kabbalah.com/)

may I suggest putting quotation marks around Kabbalah as well? We wouldn't want Rabbi Shimon Bar Yohai rolling in his ohel now would we?

Yochanan

[visionary]

vis, like that joke much? four posts in a row with the same thing wow!

Ok, so does anyone have any nonlightbulb humor?

yochananCF humor:P I suppose...:D

[ContraMundum]

Contra, may I suggest a friendly edit:

you have
may I suggest putting quotation marks around Kabbalah as well? We wouldn't want Rabbi Shimon Bar Yohai rolling in his ohel now would we?

Yochanan

OK...good point. :thumbsup:

[zaksmummy]

How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb?

None, your line manager has completed a risk assessment, it is a health and safety issue, so you will need to write out a request in triplicate to be sent to the senior manager for costing and verification, you might get a new one sometime next year!

[FaithfulWife]

Oh, so it's humor you want?

Rabbi Hillel taught, "If I am not for myself who will be for me? If I am not for others, what am I? And if not now, when?"
From this teaching we can glean that the proper rabbinic standard is not only that we should change our light bulbs for ourselves, but that we should also be changing the light bulbs of others. The Rabbi goes on to further explain that we should not wait until the light bulbs go out, but that the bulbs should simply be changed...When? Now!
Rabbi Shammai supports this interpretation when he writes, "Say little and do much."
We can gather from this Rabbi that the discussion of light bulbs is frivilous. It is the action of changing light bulbs that is important.
However, we have to be reminded that in the days of Rabbi Hillel and Shammai there were no light bulbs. So we must acertain from archeological evidence what the First Century equivilent to light bulbs would be and then examine THAT in light of the teachings of our Rabbi Yeshua, who taught us to let out lights shine.
Only then can we truly understand the importance of the light and how the light bulb in it's proper context can...
I'm sorry...what was the question?

[FaithfulWife]

*** WARNING - DANGER OF POSSIBLE ELECTRICAL SHOCK ***
DO NOT PERFORM A MIKVAH WHILE CHANGING THE LIGHT BULB

[visionary]

And God said, "Let there be light.." and man created a light bulb.

[Redheadedstepchild]

Lastly, a Christian one, personal fave of mine:

Q: How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: This statement was issued: "We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb (or light source, or non-dark resource), and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted--all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence."

Nah, that's how many Unitarians it takes to change a light bulb. This is how many Methodists it takes:

Undetermined - Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.
^_^

[FaithfulWife]

Non-jewish light bulb humor:

A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat." The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady. It is hot. The girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning herself. The woman looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan." The girl gives her the fan, too. Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus driver, "Stop, I want to get off here." The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at the next corner, not in the middle of the block. With her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, "If you knew what I have, you would let me off the bus right here." The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out. As she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it you have? " The old woman looks at him and nonchalantly replies, "Chutzpah."

[Torah613]

Nah, that's how many Unitarians it takes to change a light bulb. This is how many Methodists it takes:

Undetermined - Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.
^_^

UM discover the 8th sacrament--Potatoe Salad in a caserole dish.

Yochanan

[FaithfulWife]

I don't know if you know this but they are now selling Kosher computers (Made in Israel) called DELLSHALOM. It is selling at such a good price that I bought one. Mine arrived yesterday.

If you or a friend are considering a kosher computer, you should know that there are some important upgrades and changes from the typical computer you are used to, such as:

The cursor moves from right to left.

It comes with two hard drives--one for fleyshedik business software and one for milchedik games.

Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, my PC now gets "Ferklempt."

The Chanukah screen savers include "Flying Dreidels"

The PC also shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.

After my computer dies, I have to dispose of it within 24 hours.

The "Start" button has been replaced with "Let's go!! I'm not getting any younger!" button.

When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, I am instructed to "Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus".

The multimedia player has been renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!".

Internet Explorer has a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.

I hear "Hava Nagila" during startup. Microsoft Office now includes "A little byte of this, and a little byte of that."

When running "scandisk", it prompts with a "You want I should fix this?" message.

When my PC is working too hard, I occasionally hear a loud "Oy Gevalt"

There is a "monitor cleaning solution" from
Manischewitz that Advertises that it gets rid of the "schmutz und drek" on your monitor.

After 20 minutes of no activity, my PC goes "Schloffen."

Computer viruses can now be cured with some matzo ball chicken soup.

The Y2K problem has been replaced by "Year 5761-5762" issues.

If you decide not to shut down the computer in the prescribed manner, the following message appears: "You should be ashamed of yourself."

When Spellcheck finds an error it prompts "Is this the best you can do?



:wave: Gut Shabbos everyone!

[Torah613]

so, what does an american Jewish Princess make for lunch?

Reservations

[FaithfulWife]

http://i299.photobucket.com/albums/mm282/bkgirl95/princess.gif

Have you seen the newest Jewish-American Princess horror movie ?

It's called "Debbie Does Dishes".