Forgiveness: how to be vulneralble without getting walked all over

[Redheadedstepchild]

Can it be done? Can you actually leave yourself open and still protect yourself at the same time?

I think that forgiveness is risky. It must come from love and compassion for the other person on some basic level, but I also think there is a certain amount of hope involved. Hope, because I think the act of forgiving leads us to look for, and appreciate the good in the other person and believe in their capacity to change for the better. This is where the vulnerability lies.

Without going into too many details, in my current situation I have had to work very hard to forgive a certain person and finally reached a point where I could. Along the way I saw this person grow and make positive changes in their life. The more I saw this the more hope I had, and consequently I began to trust. This was my error. Or was it?

Is it not reasonable, and even "Christian," to allow ourselves to go beyond having hope for a person who has wronged us to being able to actually have faith in them when we have evidence that they have indeed changed for the better?

But yet, having done this I feel like a fool for allowing this person the opportunity to take advantage of me. And once again I am in the position of needing to forgive them. I realize I am called upon to forgive as many times as it takes, but in a way I feel like I am partially to blame because I allowed this to happen.

In the past I have always been an adhearant of "forgive but don't forget." I guess now I'm having difficulty finding the balance in being able to let go of the past in order to forgive, yet at the same time not forget in order to protect myself. I'm not sure it's possible to do. I think we have to forget on some level in order to truly forgive, yet by forgetting we open ourselves up to having to repeat the experience over and over.

I know this is one of those things that can be talked to death without arriving at a solution, however if someone has some insights I'm missing I'd sure like to hear them.

[cristianna]

Red... :hug:

You're not a fool.:hug: You're not ridiculous for having such wonderful faith and hope for a person. :hug:

I have no more insight than you do. There's a post floating around here where I also posted something very similar- about drawing the line on helping vs enabling. I think this is the opposite, and still leaves me just as baffled as the other.

I think everyone deserves chances and trust. God knows I needed every single one offered to me. I needed additional ones when I broke trust. And I needed their hope and faith that I could and would change.

But unfortunately if my trust in someone is put on the line, of course I'm going to protect myself and any others I see in harms way.

For instance: If someone is a gossiper, I'm certainly not going to spoon feed them anything about my personal life, or anyone elses for that matter, that I don't want to be twisted or aired for all to hear.

Is that wrong? I don't know.

The "forgive and forget" theory works fine within reason. Against the norm, I take it as a forgive the individual, and forget about using it as an attack in the future. But I certainly don't forget what they did to me.

In my opinion forgiving is more along the lines of not rehashing it with them in the future- not so much erasing it from my memory. Take that with a grain of salt and risk because weeks, years or decades from now I could find out my theory was quite wrong.

If the gossiper has made changes or is changing I think the best thing to do is to have trust and hope in them. I think it's a very reasonable thing to do.

[GraceSeeker]

Red,

Even though you've been hurt again, I actually think you are on track with your practice. We've sinned against God, he actually demonstrates his love for us and does the work of forgivenss (i.e. the Cross) even before we've repented or sought forgiveness. Worse, even after repentence we continue to sin and sin again. Could the offense be any worse? And still God offers forgiveness.

My understanding of forgiveness is that it's purpose has nothing to do with the past, but with restoring broken relationships so that we might continue to have a future unbroken relationship. To a certain extent this means being willing to risk getting hurt in the same way again. The concept of hope you introduce is I think the key to the whole process. We are people of hope and believe in change. When we seen repentence it gives us reason not only to hope for a change, but to hope that we have a new future in front of us.

Now, does that mean that we won't be hurt again? No more than it means that we won't sin against God again. But it does give us hope, hope that you and I are going on to perfection, and hope that our broken relationships really can be restored.

I don't think that means forgetting the past, but I do think that means not letting the past stand in the way of a better future. What does a better future look like? It looks like a future in which the same harm is not repeated. If the person has genuinely changed, there is every reason (in my opinion) to take the risk and renew the old relationship. But just like you and I still fall short of the glory of God, that person may still fall in their interactions with us. It is just a risk that we who are trying to model God end of taking, because God took that same risk with us.

Now, I don't mean being stupid. Just because a person mouths the words "I'm sorry." Doesn't mean that you need to endure the same thing a second time. Indeed, it could be that the person really means that he/she is sorry and is trying to change. But it may also be that they don't have the tools to make the necessary changes that would result in a different behavior or outcome in the future. In this case you may seek to repair the relationship, but together agree that you cannot repeat the same risks. Until the situation itself is changed, you may have to simply say that this is not a risk you can repeatedly take.

I am waiting for that to happen in a situational relationship I am in. I made some mistakes the damaged my relationship with one of my best friends. I am genuinely sorry and repentant. And she knows that. Further, I believe that I have changed, but the situtation(s) she has to deal with in her life have not sufficiently changed for my friend that she can assume the same risks with me again. Because I am a friend, I have to understand that as well. Of course, I hope that one day the future may change and that our relationship can be fully restored, but until then I would rather be sure that she is assured that I am not doing any more damage than return to a place where that risk may present itself again. The thing is that it is not animosity or even fear that presents itself; it is actually love and respect that for the time being keeps us apart.

Hope maybe some of that made sense.

[Redheadedstepchild]

Thank you both. I have some things I have to think about. I am hopeful of a better future for this person, though it may not include me. I know that she, like all of us, is broken and struggling to overcome her own past. She's had some set backs recently and I guess she fell back on what's worked for her before, however disfuntional. I want her to know that she's better than this and that she doesn't have to revert back to the old way of doing things.

Anyway, that's kind of where I'm at.

[Moriah_Conquering_Wind]

Humans fall. Humans fail. Humans disappoint.

Trusting in humans = the height of folly

(not meant as a criticism -- it has the same weakness & problem itself)

[Redheadedstepchild]

Yup.

[cristianna]

Hey Red! How are you doing with this situation?

I just had an intriguing idea come into mind about this. Jesus knew who was headed straight for the path of betrayal and denial. Yet he continued to show nothing but mercy to everyone- even them.

I just haven't decided if this realization is a smack in my face or not. Because in a much harsher and drastic measure (which has really taken ALOT for me to do on my part) I have cut ties with certain people all together.

I'm off to ponder this lesson in the making some more.

[Moriah_Conquering_Wind]

Cristianna, lessons like those go down best when you linger on the first part a good LONG while and only THEN toss the second in almost as an afterthought.

All the sweet, none the bitter, but lacking all lack.

And yes He treated Judas and Peter equal in compassion with all the others.

[cristianna]

Cristianna, lessons like those go down best when you linger on the first part a good LONG while and only THEN toss the second in almost as an afterthought.

All the sweet, none the bitter, but lacking all lack.

And yes He treated Judas and Peter equal in compassion with all the others.

^_^ That is true. I have lingered for years over my decisions. Have forgiven and forgotten and even pray for those people.

But I can be very honest and say I don't feel I'm at a point in which I'm ready to open the doors of communication or re-establish a relationship. Maybe this is the first of many baby steps towards that?