Need some Help!

[kittystorm92]

For the past 4+ years I have been a member of a Methodist Church and we recently merged with 3 other church's. I myself was the Worship Leader for the Contemp. service on Wed. nights and also a cert. Lay Speaker and my husband was a trustee. As of today my family will no longer be members of that church due to a discision made by the Administrative Leadership Team regarding child care for children with special needs. I work in the evenings teaching dance on the other nights during the week and my husband watches our 5 year old son who has PDD-NOS (Autism), so when the trustees had a meeting planned for this past Tuesday I called the church and asked if there was going to be anyone in the nursery to watch my son. My son is a very high functioning autisic child and does not need very much special care just people that are willing to be with him and play. When I called I did not say that I needed care for a special needs child, but they e-mailed back and said that at this Ad. Leadership Team meeting back on the 7th of this month that they could not provide child care to special needs children. :eek: I was very upset with what I was reading and I forwarded the message to the pastor with my response saying that if we were a church looking to the future and trying to bring our comminity together then we should have a plan for families that have special needs. The pastor replyed by saying that he was sorry that I was upset but there was nothing that could be done. My husband and I are very offended by what this church has done and I am planning on writing to our superintendent. I just can't believe that a church would be turning away a child just because he needs a little more love, care, and attention then other children. This is really a :cry: SAD day for me. Does anyone have any suggestions on this?

Thanks for listening and God Bless,

kittystorm92:tutu:

[Celticflower]

Writing to the superintendent is a good place to start and may be all you need do. If not, keep working your way up the chain of command.

I can't believe that a church would decide on no care for a special needs child -- that is just outrageous! In the last Methodist church we were at I helped with the nursery during Sunday school or worship (depended on the month). One little girl my son's age was developmentally slow -- she didn't walk until she was almost 3 and no one would have turned her away. In the church I grew up in my mom took care of one child in the nursery with spina biffida --again, no one would have thought to turn the child away. And these children sound like they needed more care than your son does. He sounds like a couple of ADHD kids we have at our current church. During VBS one year we discovered that one of them was much better behaved if he felt he was helping you instead of being asked to do something. But again, no one even suggested that they shouldn't be there.

[kittystorm92]

And worst thing about it is that last night I sent an e-mail too the people that are involed in the contemp. service saying that I was no longer going to be a member and that if anyone wanted to find out more that they could contact me and so far only the two youth members have done so. I can't beleive I'm getting this from people that say they want to bring the coummunity together.

[vle045]

I really wish I could help, but this is completely outside of my range of knowledge. But prayers are with you.

[cristianna]

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. IMO Leadership has made a very saddening choice for everyone involved-present and future. And quite frankly, doesn't the Pastor have the authority to nix that newly developed policy?

Have you spoken to the Adm. Leadership Team? Their reasons could be liability/insurance, budget, safe haven laws (requires more than one worker in the nursery at all times), etc. If there is a reason such as those, maybe you can work with them towards a real resolution.

I personally see no harm in writing to the Super, but if it was me I would first start with the group whom created this policy.

I'll be praying for all of you involved. :hug:

[kittystorm92]

Well, so far I have only heard back from 4 people. Out of 11. Two are youths, 1 is the sec. that I talk to all the time, and the other is the Super. He called a few hours after I sent him the e-mail. He said that he was sorry about what had happened and that he was going to forward the e-mail to the other pastor at the church and that he would be calling me to meet and discuss, but so far I have not had any contact from ANY of the clergy.

[GraceSeeker]

I'm unclear on something. You said that you asked if there would be childcare for you son when your husband attended a trustees meeting at the church this past Tuesday.

The answer was that "at this Ad. Leadership Team meeting back on the 7th of this month that they could not provide child care to special needs children."

So, what is the connection between the trustees meeting this past Tuesday (the 19th on my calendar) and the Ad. Leadership Team on the 7th? Such an answer doesn't really answer your question unless I'm missing some of the pieces here.

Second, were they providing childcare for other children during this Trustees meeting your husband was attending and refuse your child simply on the basis of special needs? Or were they not providing any childcare at all? Also, if they were not, would they have provided it for a non-special needs child?

Third, does the church have any stated policy regarding providing childcare not just for worship services but also for parents with young children while they are attending a meeting or were you asking them to consider doing something that they were not in the custom of doing before?

Being more clear with regard to these issues will help me to understand your situation and how to respond to it better.

[kittystorm92]

OK, I will lay it out in order for you. Monday morning I called over to the church and asked if there would be someone able to watch Ben (my son, who everyone knows) during the trustees meeting on Tuesday. This is the reply I got: At the Administrative Leadership Team meeting on February 7th, it was decided that the campuses of River of Life would not be able to provide appropriate childcare for children with special needs. We do not have trained personnel at any of campuses to provide the necessary care. I then called one of our Decons and asked her what this meant and she said that it was not stated correctly and that I should forward it onto the Pastor so I did along with thie following response:
Since I work in the evenings, if there is a trustee meeting on any weeknight then my husband will no longer be able to attend since the below e-mail states that no appropriate child care will be available. We are very upset by this e-mail since both of us have not heard or seen any other children with special needs around church, and this e-mail is clearly pointed at Ben, since someone has already made comments about Ben on Wed. nights. My husband has told me that he is very offended and will not be coming to church anymore and will be going to church elsewhere. I have already spoke with The Decon and told her about this e-mail and she said that I needed to forward this onto you. I'm sorry if I have caused any problems but if we are truly trying to work to bring the community together and increase our church family then we need to have some plan in place to welcome other families that have children with special needs like Ben. I know that Ben is not the only special needs child in the stateline area, and I think if we had a plan in place and we show that to the community then we may just increase out family and bring the community together. I'm not asking that we get trained people that are certified, but only people that are willing to care and learn a little bit more then what normal childcare people learn. I started out with New Hope because of Paul and when he left it was a big change, and when we became one church I was looking forward to the future, but if that future does not include making plans for families with children with special needs then we are not truly helping our community.
I then got a reply from the Pastor stating: I understand you being upset.

Unfortunately, we don't have a qualified person who has the needed training for a special needs child whether it is Ben or someone else. Trying to find just anyone to watch Ben would, in my opinion, not be good for Ben either.

I wish we could help you in this but there is no easy solution. I'm sorry.
Now understand something, we have been members of this church for over 4 years and my son has been part of the church. When we brought him on Wed. nights there was 2 people that would look after him and make sure that he was involed in the children's church and then after that they took him to the nursery where there was 2 other people that would play and watch him. None of these people are Cert. Trained people. The other problem I have is when I asked if child care would be available I was not asking for any special treatment, I was just a church member wanting to know so I could make plans. If they would have replied by saying that they were having problems finding people to do child care during small group meetings other then during Worship times I would have been fine with that, but to get the response that I did, that's what offended us.

[GraceSeeker]

If they would have replied by saying that they were having problems finding people to do child care during small group meetings other then during Worship times I would have been fine with that, but to get the response that I did, that's what offended us.



Gotcha.

Yeah, it sure seems like someone is singling Ben out because they make an issue out of it being "special needs children" that they can't care for. It also sounds like you've already made your statement to the pastor with little helpful response and the Administrative Leadership Team's actions can hardly be interpretted as anything other than a direct refusal to make room to be inclusive of your son.

I don't blame you for leaving.

At first I was going to agree with sending a letter to the DS, but I've changed my mind on that. It sounds like you have already made the decision to leave, and even if the church reversed itself you might not want to stay. Sort of the "too little, too late" type of scenario. So, what I think I would do is simply write a letter to the pastor and Administrative Leadership Team that you copy to the D.S. and Bishop simply as a point of information telling the church that you are resigning from your ministry position there, that you will be leaving and highlighting the reasons why. Be sure to not imply that you are leaving immediately, but that you will be eventually seeking to transfer your membership when you locate a new congregation that is a better fit for you and your family.


I suggest you include the following paragraphs:

1) A statement of gratitude for the ministry opportunities and any nurturing in spiritual growth that you have experienced during your time as part of the congregation.

2) A short simple, one sentence statement that despite this it has become clear to you that it is time to leave the congregation.

3) A paragraph that outlines (in order just as you have provided it for me here) the events that led up to your decision. (No interpreting of those events, like in the old Dragnet TV show, "just the facts".) This paragraph expresses your needs and your experience of the church's responsiveness (or lack thereof) to those needs. It does not evaluate or critique them.

4) If you want to talk about your feelings, do it quickly without accusation. Say, "I feel insulted," NOT "You insulted me." And do not include any of this in the above where you are describing the facts of the case. Your emotional experience arising out of the events is a seperate issue than the events themselves. Don't confuse the two. Own that they are your feelings that you have to genuinely deal with. Whether they caused them, intended them, or preciptated them is not the issue. The only fact of importance here is that you now feel this way at this point in time.

5) As the issue remains unresolved for you, leaving is the way you have chosen to deal with your feelings and the best hope that you can see for meeting the needs of your family.

The last thing I would probably do, though I don't recommend that you really do it, is make some smart-aleck comment about how you always appreciated the open hearts, open minds, open doors you had experienced in the United Methodist Church, but as they were now closed with respect to your son that you realized it was time for you and your family to find a chruch that was open to all people as well.



The reason I suggest that you write to the church and not the DS, but rather merely "cc" them, is that your issue is not with the DS, but the local church. Also, neither the DS nor the bishop have the authority to make the local church change its policy. They oversee, they don't administer the local congregation. What they can do, however, is address these sorts of issues with all churches and pastors (and probably make a phone call to the pastor of this church) to say that these are important things to be aware of in our ministry to people in our local congregations and the world in general.

Where you can be positive, be sure to be that way. This will keep your letter from sounding like it comes from a crank, and will give it more weight as a concerned, caring person who has been hurt by the process that she went through at her church.

Good luck. And may God lead you to where he can bless you and you can best serve him again.

[beachbum2]

This is terrible. I hope everything works out for you and your family.

[kittystorm92]

Thank You so much GraceSeeker for the help!!!

[contriteheart]

Hi GraceSeeker,

I really like the approach you suggested as you outlined possible paragraphs in your suggested letter. A question for you - as a pastor, do you feel it is best to state your intentions to leave (and your reasons for leaving) in writing in most situations, or was your advice specific to this situation?

Also, you advised kittystorm not to give the impression that she was leaving immediately, but rather would retain her membership there until she found another church more suitable for her family. Why do you advise against leaving immediately?

[kittystorm92]

My husband and I were offended by the singling out of our son and since they decided to do nothing we decided to stop going. And I have yet to have the pastors or Decon call me!!!!

[contriteheart]

Kittystorm - I don't blame you for wanting to leave. It sounds to me, as well, like your son has been singled out.

You know, I saw the neatest thing recently. There is a Baptist church in our city whose ministry is specifically to welcome special needs families. How cool is that?!!! I think Jesus loves it when we welcome his children in his name.

[contriteheart]

I'm really sorry to hear about your experience. That's just not how things should be.

[kittystorm92]

:angel: Thanks! My husband and I are going this Sunday to see our former pastor. He is the one that got us started at the church and then got appointed to a new church almost a year ago. There is some rule stating that any pastor that gets transfered is not allowed to have any contact with the former church, but we are going to go and see him and tell him what happened. If he would have been still our pastor then this would have never happened. :cry: I have really missed him and I hope that he will have some advice.

[GraceSeeker]

Hi GraceSeeker,

I really like the approach you suggested as you outlined possible paragraphs in your suggested letter. A question for you - as a pastor, do you feel it is best to state your intentions to leave (and your reasons for leaving) in writing in most situations, or was your advice specific to this situation?

Also, you advised kittystorm not to give the impression that she was leaving immediately, but rather would retain her membership there until she found another church more suitable for her family. Why do you advise against leaving immediately?

What I suggested was for the particular situation. Generally, I would be happy, if people just stopped into the office to give me a verbal head ups on their leaving.

In reality most people just leave and never tell you, so the local church is left to guess and often guesses incorrectly as to what the issues were. Thus they rarely address the real things that they need to look at in a church. For instance, in the above situation, the pastor my take the fall for losing such a valuable member, but in reality it is the whole church that appears to have made this decision, the pastor is just executing it.

The reason that I suggested that they not leave immediately, wasn't about walking out of the building and looking for another church, but that I am assuming they are going to want to transfer their membership. So, even though one is looking for another place, they should still be able to leave their membership in place. Depending on the church, they find (if not another UMC) they may request a letter of recommendation or something from their former church. Also, until they find a new place, if there were to be (heaven forbid) some pastoral emergency they haven't burned all of their bridges.


:angel: There is some rule stating that any pastor that gets transfered is not allowed to have any contact with the former church.

That is about coming back to the old church to do weddings and funerals, or trying to be in the role of pastor (in essence not letting the new pastor do his/her job because the old one hasn't really left). It is not about you not having any contact with each other at all. I've run Church camps where kids from my former churches attended. You should feel free to swing by and see your old pastor to touch base -- he probably can't counsel your with regard to your current situation -- and if you are close enough transfer your membership to his present church if you so desire.

[kittystorm92]

Thsnks for everyone help. I will let you all know what happens in the coming weeks.

[GraceSeeker]

Hey, Kitty, how are things a month later?

[kittystorm92]

Hey, Kitty, how are things a month later?

Sorry everyone, I wanted to wait until I had more news to share with you all. As of today we are settling into life at a new church. This church has been so welcoming I can't believe how much different they are. This church has gone out of their way to make our son Ben feel welcomed and part of the Sunday School Program. They have found a few Jr. High Youth members who are like his 1 on 1 and help him during S.S. (Sunday School). I am so happy about the way Ben has been enjoying himself and has been so far (and please pray) not had any outburst. I have already had my Certification transfered to the new dist. Right now this new church does not have many Lay Speakers so I think I will be quite busy once they find a place for me. Right now we are on hold as far as membership due to that they ask that all new members go through a membership class even if your transferring from another Methodist church. As since the classes are being help on Monday nights and I was still working, we were not able to make them. So this coming fall we will be doing that and become members. :prayer:Please keep my family and I in your prayers and God Bless You!:amen:

[Redheadedstepchild]

I'm glad you found such a great church!

[RadicallyTransformedMom]

That is so wrong. All churches SHOULD have something in place for special needs children. My son Luke is turning 4 next month and has the same diagnoses as your son. he is PDD-NOS and high functioning autism. A little over a year ago when we were looking for a church it was on the top of our list that the church welcomed special needs and had someone in the daycare to watch him. We looked at a UMC, a Wesleyan and a Nazarene church at that time and we ended up staying at the Nazarene church because of their openness and willingness to work with my special needs son. he loves going to his "church school" as he calls it.

i am so glad you found another UMC that has welcomed your son with open arms.

[kittystorm92]

I'm glad you found such a great church!

That is so wrong. All churches SHOULD have something in place for special needs children. My son Luke is turning 4 next month and has the same diagnoses as your son. he is PDD-NOS and high functioning autism. A little over a year ago when we were looking for a church it was on the top of our list that the church welcomed special needs and had someone in the daycare to watch him. We looked at a UMC, a Wesleyan and a Nazarene church at that time and we ended up staying at the Nazarene church because of their openness and willingness to work with my special needs son. he loves going to his "church school" as he calls it.

i am so glad you found another UMC that has welcomed your son with open arms.

Thanks to the both of you, I hope that we will continue to grow here and that my son can learn about Jesus.

[JosephPaul]

My family has just recently gone through a change in churches, and it's been difficult. I'm glad you found a great place to worship.

[kittystorm92]

My family has just recently gone through a change in churches, and it's been difficult. I'm glad you found a great place to worship.

Thank You and Welcome to CF! If you have any questions about what's going on here please let me know. I will be glad to help you out.

[JosephPaul]

Thank You and Welcome to CF! If you have any questions about what's going on here please let me know. I will be glad to help you out.

Thank you for both the welcome and the offer. Don't be surprised if I take you up on that offer. I hardly ever know what is going on--here or anywhere.:)

[kittystorm92]

Thank you for both the welcome and the offer. Don't be surprised if I take you up on that offer. I hardly ever know what is going on--here or anywhere.:)

Glad to help! Everyone right now is still getting used to the new CF, we just had a big Upgrade and there are bugs that still are being worked on.

[cristianna]

Very awesome kittystorm! :prayer:

[JosephPaul]

Glad to help! Everyone right now is still getting used to the new CF, we just had a big Upgrade and there are bugs that still are being worked on.

Apparently I need 15 posts to be able to PM you. Ah, what a beautifully written PM just got lost in internet neverland. :) But thanks for the blessings. I have no idea what that's all about, but I'll check the links you provided. Sounds kind of fun.

[kittystorm92]

Apparently I need 15 posts to be able to PM you. Ah, what a beautifully written PM just got lost in internet neverland. :) But thanks for the blessings. I have no idea what that's all about, but I'll check the links you provided. Sounds kind of fun.

Blessing are like money here in CF, right now most everything is free, but as soon as they fix all the bugs things will start to cost, like making a CF Character. If you go to Edit Advatar and click on Living Advatar you can make a character and that will show up in your posts. Let me know if you need any help.

[GraceSeeker]

Kitty,
I read this (http://www.startribune.com/lifestyle/faith/19059069.html?location_refer=Error) today and it made me think of some of your struggles. I'm glad you posted here so as to educate some of the rest of us that don't deal with autisic children on a daily basis. You've opened our minds. I hope your story enables us to better understand and I am glad you've found a church that appears to have indeed opened both doors and hearts to you and your family.

[kittystorm92]

Kitty,
I read this (http://www.startribune.com/lifestyle/faith/19059069.html?location_refer=Error) today and it made me think of some of your struggles. I'm glad you posted here so as to educate some of the rest of us that don't deal with autisic children on a daily basis. You've opened our minds. I hope your story enables us to better understand and I am glad you've found a church that appears to have indeed opened both doors and hearts to you and your family.

Thank You so much for this, I now feel a little better that my son is not the only one that got pushed out of a church, but it is still very sad that churches are allowed to do this.

[tpony298]

Kitty, thank you for your testamony.

Today on our news it was talking about an autistic child been kicked out of their church to the point of the church sending them a restraining order. They go to court in June. Adam, the child is physically large and strong. Didn't get his age or the name of the church. I think it was in detroit.

Anyway, Your story and this family's story and my own experience, ( I am in a wheel chair and can't even get into a lot of churches) has caused me to want to start a campaign or something about discrimating against the handicapped. Maybe get a new law written....Huh?

I don't know how to do this, maby some one here can advise me on a proper proceedure. sincerely Pony

[kittystorm92]

Kitty,
I read this (http://www.startribune.com/lifestyle/faith/19059069.html?location_refer=Error) today and it made me think of some of your struggles. I'm glad you posted here so as to educate some of the rest of us that don't deal with autisic children on a daily basis. You've opened our minds. I hope your story enables us to better understand and I am glad you've found a church that appears to have indeed opened both doors and hearts to you and your family.

Kitty, thank you for your testamony.

Today on our news it was talking about an autistic child been kicked out of their church to the point of the church sending them a restraining order. They go to court in June. Adam, the child is physically large and strong. Didn't get his age or the name of the church. I think it was in detroit.

Anyway, Your story and this family's story and my own experience, ( I am in a wheel chair and can't even get into a lot of churches) has caused me to want to start a campaign or something about discrimating against the handicapped. Maybe get a new law written....Huh?

I don't know how to do this, maby some one here can advise me on a proper proceedure. sincerely Pony

In GraceSeeker's post she has the link about that story you mentioned in your post, if you want to read it, just click on the word THIS. Thanks, I'm not any good at that kind of stuff either, but hopefully there is someone out there that does and can help.

[GraceSeeker]

This is when I like something like wikipedia's article on the American's With Disabilities Act (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Americans_with_Disabilities_Act_of_1990). They've got the information summarized well, and if you really need to seek specific legal information, reading the links in the footnotes will at least send you in the right direction.

[kittystorm92]

Thank You GraceSeeker

[tpony298]

I went to the link...It was a sad story. I guess there is more of that then we hear about.

I used to run a your center, an after school recreation program, and when we got children in with special need we got a Wrap around from the local MHMR. She was just a shadow for
the special child and saw to his needs while he took part in our program.
I never turned a child away

I am retired now and disabled and live in a trailer court with a lot of single moms..They worked and let their 10yrs + children to take care of them selves and most of them (14) show up at my trailer. There is one spec child and many with behavior problems. Sometimes they only come in for an ice pop or candy, some come for a meal...doesn't matter they are all welcome.

They have learned to respect my husband, who is also disabled, my daughter and me, and our home. agreed it was a little harder to bring the spec one around, his mother always let him do what ever he wanted. He was demanding, angry a lot of the time, grabbing, etc. But I prayed for them as often as I could and last christmas, he remembered it was Jesus's birthday. He colored a picture with the rest of the kids. a good kid. His mother found some help for him and for herself.

I will pray for you guys. and for the churches you attend....And I will find a way to bring this to the attention of one of the civil rights org. Love Pony

[kittystorm92]

Thank You so much Pony, and God Bless You and your family in all you do as well.