Please, I need your help.

[MostLostSheep]

I am so lost right now, as a Christian, as a man, as a person. This evening 'who I am' was really shaken. My sister and I were raised by our grandmother, she lived with many people, I moved out and did drugs. But the past three years I've gone back to school, got a job, I'm just finishing graduating and will go to college in September. But I've hurt so many people. I cannot handle the world so I always fight. I live in my own f*cking castle and fend off any weakness, emotion, kindness. I've driven off friends, girlfriends and I really, really do utterly hate myself. Now I've driven off my sister. She brings so much drama and she tries to manipulate me and I do not know that I love her anymore. But I should. She brought me to her church. She's so popular there and dragged me through throngs of friends but I balled up despite their friendliness. I couldn't go to see our dad who we never see and go to the movies tonight because I flunked one of three finals and need to study. This brought up all sorts of the past. She cursed me out in my room and I threw a piece of plastic at her which got her in the eye. She asked me if I wanted her to leave and I screamed yes! She brought drama into my workplace today and I do not know what to do. Shes gone to live with her church friends saying, GOD IS ON MY SIDE, GOD HAS A PLAN FOR ME! Well [wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth] am I. just a man trying to live here on Earth. People think I'm arrogant and stick to myself but I'm screaming in 5th gear with the tires burnt off trying to be something, anything! I want the world to leave me alone but I am absolutely lonely.. I am the 4$$hole at the gym, at school, in the office that people love to hate that wishes you would just punch me to show me I'm still breathing. Why has my God forsaken me...? I've cried at the foot of my bed in prayer. I've read the Bible in what my family thought where my last days. I have screamed at the night and meditated alike. I do not know. I am so lost right now. Someone tell me what to do because I am burnt.

[porterross]

God hasn't forsaken you, Son. He never leaves us, no matter how fast or far we run. :pray:

[Edial]

I am so lost right now, as a Christian, as a man, as a person. This evening 'who I am' was really shaken. My sister and I were raised by our grandmother, she lived with many people, I moved out and did drugs. But the past three years I've gone back to school, got a job, I'm just finishing graduating and will go to college in September. But I've hurt so many people. I cannot handle the world so I always fight. I live in my own f*cking castle and fend off any weakness, emotion, kindness. I've driven off friends, girlfriends and I really, really do utterly hate myself. Now I've driven off my sister. She brings so much drama and she tries to manipulate me and I do not know that I love her anymore. But I should. She brought me to her church. She's so popular there and dragged me through throngs of friends but I balled up despite their friendliness. I couldn't go to see our dad who we never see and go to the movies tonight because I flunked one of three finals and need to study. This brought up all sorts of the past. She cursed me out in my room and I threw a piece of plastic at her which got her in the eye. She asked me if I wanted her to leave and I screamed yes! She brought drama into my workplace today and I do not know what to do. Shes gone to live with her church friends saying, GOD IS ON MY SIDE, GOD HAS A PLAN FOR ME! Well [wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth] am I. just a man trying to live here on Earth. People think I'm arrogant and stick to myself but I'm screaming in 5th gear with the tires burnt off trying to be something, anything! I want the world to leave me alone but I am absolutely lonely.. I am the 4$$hole at the gym, at school, in the office that people love to hate that wishes you would just punch me to show me I'm still breathing. Why has my God forsaken me...? I've cried at the foot of my bed in prayer. I've read the Bible in what my family thought where my last days. I have screamed at the night and meditated alike. I do not know. I am so lost right now. Someone tell me what to do because I am burnt.
Since you say you hurt so many people, including your sister, why not start apologizing to them?

If you are seeking God's help, this is the first thing one must do.

MT 5:23 "Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, 24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.

Thanks,
Ed

[stumpjumper]

You sound like a Prodigal Son.

Journey home.

[RevCowboy]

As someone with experience with chaplaincy in the psychiatric medicine setting, seek professional help!!! If your post is genuine, then for your own sake and the sake of your family, seek help whether at the psychiatric unit of closest hospital or at school. They will have the resources to connect you to the appropriate person that can provide the care you need. If you are having any thoughts of suicide, harming yourself or harming others, go immediately!!! Please!

[LilLamb219]

Have you ever been diagnosed with depression? It sounds like you're headed that way and I agree that you should try to seek some help. After that, go speak with the pastor of a church (it doesn't have to be your sister's church) and he'll help you with the struggles you're having.

Prayers for you :)

[seajoy]

It sounds to me as though God is drawing you in to Him. You are seeking help here, but as LilLamb said, you need some professional help...and please do speak with a pastor. Read the Psalms in the meantime, until you can see someone in person.

God is there to help in all times of trouble. Big trouble and small alike. He cares very much about what you do with your life. He sent His Son to save you. You are worth so much to Him.

Please come back and speak with us some more. :hug:

[BigNorsk]

I agree completely with RevCowboy. It really does sound like you likely have a medical condition and need evaluation so you can be helped.

Marv

[Radiata]

You won't be able to return my pm until you have at least 5 posts. Actually, I don't even know if you can recieve them until you do. This is why I am posting this. If you don't recieve a private message, please say so on this discussion thread, and I will find another way to contact you.

[rockytrails]

this is what you do.

you call this number and their are people there that will know how to help .

wisconsin lutheran family services 24 hour help line
1 800-422-7341