Hahaha :)

[J.A.I]

How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb? One, since his/her hands are in the air anyway.

How many Calvinists does it take to change a lightbulb? None. God has predestined when the lights will be on.

How many Brethren does it take to change a light bulb? CHANGE?!!!

How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb? 10, one to change it and 9 others to pray against the spirit of darkness.

How many TV evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb? One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.

How many Roman Catholics does it take to change a lightbulb? None: Candles only.

How many Amish does it take to change a lightbulb? What's a light bulb?

How many Polygamous Mormons does it take to change a lightbulb? Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to knock on your door and ask you if you've seen the light!

How many Unitarians does it take to change a lightbulb? We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

[J.A.I]

A leader in a Christian Science church was talking to a member of his congregation: "And how is your husband today?" "I'm afraid he's very ill." "No, no," corrected the leader, "You really shouldn't say that - you should say that he's under the impression that he's very ill ." The woman nods in agreement, "Yes, I'll remember next time." A few weeks later the leader saw the woman again. "And how is your husband at the moment?" "Well", she replied, "he's under the impression that he's dead!"

---

What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovahs Witness?.... Someone who knocks at your door for no apparent reason.

---

Three young boys were walking on the sidewalk arguing over whose daddy was the greatest. One said, "My dad is the greatest because he is the president of the town bank." The second boy said, "That is pretty good, but my daddy owns two grocery stores in town!" The third boy said, "That's nothing, my dad is a preacher, and he owns hell. He came home last night and told my mom that the Church Board gave it to him!"

[ChrisB]

How many evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb? Evangelicals do not change light bulbs - they try to persuade the light bulb to change itself.......

It's good to laugh at yourself sometimes, it forestalls self-righteousness - great thread JAI :clap:

[Gunny]

Humor is tonic for the soul.

[plum]

lol! such great jokes. I've gotta pull out a few of those :)

[Lady_Firehawk]

Q: How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What is the sound of one hand clapping?



A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.

Because both had jobs they found it difficult to coordinate their travel schedules, so it was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day.

Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. In his room there was a computer so he decided to send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left out one letter in e-mail address, and sent the e-mail, without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The dearly departed was a parish deacon who had passed away following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived

You're probably surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine.

P. S. Sure is hot down here!

[Victorian Rose]

LOL! Great jokes!

[tulc]

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge,
about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
He said, "Like what?"
I said, "Well... are you religious or atheist?"
He said, "Religious."
I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"
He said, "Christian."
I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
He said, "Baptist!"
I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the
Lord?"
He said, "Baptist Church of God!"
I said, "Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed
Baptist Church of God?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!"
I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of
1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!"
I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
tulc(who loved this joke!)

[Paula]

A elderly woman finished making out her Christmas cards and took them to the Post Office to buy stamps and mail them out.

She showed her stack of cards to the clerk and declared, “I need stamps for all of these cards.

"Fine ma’am,” said the clerk, “how many, and what denomination of stamps would you like?"

"Oh, good Lord! Has it come to this?" said the woman.

"Well, give me 50 Catholic, 20 Presbyterian, 10 Episcopal, 10 Nazarene, and I guess I need to get at least 50 Baptist ones for the members of my own congregation."

=====================================

Church Marquee Signs:


"The best vitamin for a Christian is B1"
"Under same management for over 2000 years"

"Soul food served here"

"Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!"

"You can give without loving but you cannot love without giving"

"Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!"

"Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church"

"We should be more concerned with the Rock Of Ages, instead of the age of rocks"

"Reputation is what people think about you. Character is what people know you are"

"Seven days without prayer makes one weak"

"No Jesus - no peace, Know Jesus - know peace!"

"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due"

"A man's character is like a fence. It cannot be strengthened by whitewash"

"Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your Bible"

"It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees"

"A clear conscience makes a soft pillow"

"The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday"

"Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive"

"Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings"

"Forbidden fruit creates many jams"

"Christians, keep the faith... But not from others!"

"Satan subtracts and divides. God multiplies and multiplies"

"If you do not want to reap the fruits of sin stay out of the devil's orchard"

"To belittle is to be little"

"God answers kneemail"

"If Jesus is your co-pilot - switch seats"

=================================================


A merry heart doth good like medicine,
But a broken spirit dries the bones.

Proverbs 17:22

[BarbB]

This company is owned by Jesus Christ - What a great boss!

God - "If you catch them, I will clean them"!

[Ceris]

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Things you normally don't hear in church:
Hey! It's MY turn to sit on the front pew!

I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went over time 25 minutes.

Personally, I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

I've decided to give our church the $500.00 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.

I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.

Forget the denominational minimum salary: let's pay our pastor so s/he can live like we do.

I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!

Since we're all here, let's start the worship service early!

Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Baptists, please don't take offense at this one)
A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Denomination?" The man says, "Methodist." St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Denomination?"

"Lutheran."

"Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

A third man arrives at the gates. "Denomination?"

"Presbyterian."

"Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different denominations, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"

St. Peter tells him, "Well the Baptists are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A pastor and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.

'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the pastor to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the pastor. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a pastor, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

[Ceris]

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice,
"Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said.
"I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(This one's a little more cute than funny, but...)
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.

She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that her the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."

So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.

The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little boy, who wanted $100.00 very badly, prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to GOD, U.S.A., they decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy $5.00. Mr. President thought that this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and immediately sat down to write a thank you note to GOD that read: "Dear God, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, those devil's deducted $95.00.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Not very funny, I really like the point this one makes)

This millionaire wanted take some of his money to heaven with him when he died, so he talked to God about it beforehand. He told God that he had lived a good life and all he wanted was to bring a little of his fortune with him. God finally agreed, but told the millionaire he must limit the amount to whatever he could fit into one suitcase.
The millionaire decided to make the most of it by comparing American dollars, French Francs, Japenese Yen, and every kind of currency available in the world to see to it that he fit the most possible into the suitcase. Finally, he decided the best he could do was to exchange his money for gold and place that in the suitcase.

When he died and arrived at Heaven's gate, St. Peter asked him what was in the suitcase. He told St. Peter that down on earth he had been a millionaire and that God had given him permisson to bring some of his fortune with him, as long as he could fit it into one suitcase.

St. Peter told the millionaire this was most unusual and he would have to take a look inside the suitcase before he could determine whether the millionaire could enter the gate with it. The millionaire opened the suitcase and St. Peter said, "Oh, yes. That's just pavement, please come in!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(You might have heard this one)
The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for awhile.

Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope proceeds to hop on Route 95 and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. He gets to about 90 miles per hour and, WHAM, there are the blue lights of our friendly State Police in his mirror.

He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. Seeing who it was the trooper says "just a moment please I need to call in."

The trooper radio's in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief "I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."
The chief replies "Who is it, not Ted again ?"
The trooper says,"No, even more important."
The chief replies, "It's the Governor, is it?"
The trooper replies "No, even more important."
"It's isn't the President is it?"
"No, more important", replies the trooper.
"Well WHO the HECK is it!", screams the chief.
"I don't know" says the trooper. "But he's got the Pope as a chauffeur!"

[Grace_Alone4gives]

The Baptists should get this one...........I liked it and I'm not even Baptist.

One day in school, the teacher told the class that they would be studiying world religons. She asked each student who belonged to any world religon, to bring something, an item, that symbolized their faith. The next day they would show the class their item and talk about which religon they belonged to.

The next day came and class began. The teacher saw that a few children brought in items and began to ask each child to tell the class what their item was, and which faith it represented.

Molly Muslim went first - she stood up and showed her classmates her Quaran. "This is a Quaran, it is our holy book."

Collin Catholic stood up and said "This is my Rosary, we use this in our prayers"

Jamie Jewish stood before the class "This is the star of David" he explained.

Amazed at all, she saw the teacher continued to ask each child to show their item that represented their faith. She was so proud of them...until she came to little Billy Baptist.

She looked at Billy Baptist as he excitedly held his item in his hand. She thought to herself, "he must have misunderstood the assignment - what on earth is he doing with a Crockpot???"

[carolbob]

These are awesome! It's nice to hear clean jokes that are actually funny!!! Thank you!

[J.A.I]

:D HAHAHA! Oh gosh, this thread is wonderful :D

[Gunny]

Note:If in any way this joke offends, I will gladly edit it with another joke.


HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS


The wife of a Southern Baptist preacher talks to her Sunday School class about a wonderful religious experience that she had last week:
"The other day I went up to the local Christian Book Store where I saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance at church, so I bought that bumper sticker and put it on the back bumper of my car. I'm really glad that I did. What an uplifting experience followed.
I was at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and I did not notice that the light had changed. It's a good thing someone else loves Jesus or I may have never noticed that the light had changed. I found that lots of people love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy and then he leaned out his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD, Go! . . . . Go! Jesus Christ! Go!"
Everybody was honking. I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people and I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenager son in the back seat what this meant, he said that it was nothing, probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met a person from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My son burst into laughter. Why, even he was enjoying the love of this religious experience.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their car and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but that is when I noticed that the light had changed so I waved one more time to my loving brothers and sisters and drove through the intersection.
I was the only car that got across the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of bad that I had to leave them after all the love that we'd shared so I slowed the car down, leaned out of he window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one more time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such a wonderful experience. Honk if you love Jesus!"


Note:If in any way this joke offends, I will gladly edit it with another joke

In Christ
Gunny

[J.A.I]

Oh my gosh, that is hilarious in an ODD way! LOL

[ChrisB]

How many agnostics does it take to change a light bulb? None since they can't agree whether or not the light bulb exists or whether light is a good or bad thing............

[Liberius]

For how many Catholics does it take to change a bulb, you should say, "None, they'll ask Mary to."

[BarbB]

For how many Catholics does it take to change a bulb, you should say, "None, they'll ask Mary to."

Actually, I think I heard "None, candles only!" :D

[Paula]

Q. What does it mean when the Easter Bunny arrives one day late with melted candy?
A. He probably had a bad hare day.

Q. What does it mean when you see thirty rabbits in a row and they are all marching backwards?
A. What you have is a receding hareline.

Q. What can rabbits have that no other animal can have?
A. Baby rabbits.

Q. Which side of a rabbit has the most fur?
A. The outside.

Q. What is the difference between a new-age rabbit that is preparing for the future and one that is getting ready for dinner?
A. The first rabbit will visualize world peace. The second rabbit will visualize whirled peas.

[J.A.I]

For how many Catholics does it take to change a bulb, you should say, "None, they'll ask Mary to."

This is supposed to be a happy thread... no bashing please.

[Liberius]

:)Sorry, I am Catholic, I was just laughing at myself a little, although I wouldn't really do that!

[BarbB]

Paula, I loved your bunny jokes. I have the cutest little bunny living in my driveway area - he's there every evening! :hug:

[VigilanteHamster]

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

That one had me ROLLING!!! :D You get reps for that, dude! (Not many, but a few. :P)

[Ceris]

God created the donkey and told him: you will work tireless from sun up to sun down, carrying heavy bags on your back, you'll eat grass, you will not have intelligence and you will live 50 years. You will be a DONKEY!

The donkey answered: I'll be a donkey, but living 50 years is too much, give me only 20 years. And God gave him 20 years.

God created the dog and told him: You will look after the man's house, you will be his best friend, you will eat whatever they give you and you will live 25 years. You will be a DOG!

The dog answered: God, living 25 years is too much, give only 10. God gave him 10 years.

God created the monkey and told him: You will jump from branch to branch, you will do silly things, you will be amusing and you will live 20 years.

The monkey answered: God, living 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years. And God agreed.

Finally, God created man, and told him: You will be Man, the only rational being on this earth, you will use your intelligence to control other animals, you will dominate the world and you will live for 20 years.

The man answered: God, I'll be man, but living 20 years is not enough, why don't you give me the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 20 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years that the monkey refused.

That was what God did, and since then, Men live 20 years like a man, then he enters adulthood and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying the load on his back, then when his children leave home, spends 15 years like a dog, looking after the house and eating whatever is given to him, then he gets into retirement, and spends 10 years like a monkey, jumping from house to house or from children to children, doing silly things to amuse the grandchildren.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was an elderly man at home, upstairs, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. led down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies.

With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.

Gasping for breath, he asked her, "Why did you do that?"

"Those are for the funeral."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behaviour that made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the banker said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Husbands' Quotes




I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrup ther.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.

A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "I wish I had your will power."

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Husband Speak




"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." Really means....
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."

"It's a guy thing." Really means....
There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" Really means....
"Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really mean....
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

"Good idea." Really means....
"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

"Have you lost weight?" Really means....
"I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"My wife doesn't understand me." Really means....
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."

"It would take too long to explain." Really means....
"I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means....
"The batteries in the remote are dead."

"I got a lot done." Really means....
"I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late." Really means....
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"You cook just like my mother used to." Really means....
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means....
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear." Really means....
"Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means....
"I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me." Really means....
"You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie." Really means....
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars."

"That's women's work." Really means....
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man went to the doctor because he was concerned about his lessening level of energy. He told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young woman brought her fiance home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told her father to find out about the young man.

The father invited the fiancee to his study for a talk. "So what are your plans?" the father asked the young man.

"I am a Biblical scholar," he replies.

"A Biblical scholar. Hmmm," the father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.

The conversation proceeded like this, and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asked, "How did it go, Honey?" The father answered, "He has no job and no plans, and he thinks I'm God."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Husband Speak 2




"Will you marry me?" Really means....
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"Go ask your mother." Really means....
"I am incapable of making a decision."

"I do help around the house." Really means....
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means....
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it." Really means....
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?" Really means....
"What did you catch me at?"

"She's one of those rabid feminists." Really means....
"She refused to make my coffee."

"I heard you." Really means....
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else." Really means....
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific." Really means....
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present." Really means....
"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I missed you." Really means....
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means....
"No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework." Really means....
"I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful." Really means....
"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night." Really means...
"I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."

"I don't need to read the instructions." Really means....
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant." Really means....
"This time we won't use the drive-thru window."
-----------------
Long enough for ya? ;)

[Ceris]

One last funny one for now:

Wives have many faults. Husbands have only 2: everything they say and everything they do.

Husband: "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"

Wife: "No problem. I'll get you some that is."

You really have to feel sorry for husbands.

They were given a brain and reproductive machinery but only enough blood to run one at a time.

[Ceris]

Dear Technical Support,

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Fishingweekend 10.3 and Bowlingbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can not seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?

Jonathan Powell

To: Mr. Powell

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES and ENTERTAINMENT" program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once it is installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system Look in your manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support.

I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire system regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur.

The best course of action will be to push apologize button, then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but is very high maintenance.

Tech Support

[BarbB]

Ceris, you are way too much! :D What a great way to lighten the load!

[ChrisB]

What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur?

Doyouthinkhesaurus.............

OK you can groan ;)

[BarbB]

What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur?

Doyouthinkhesaurus.............

OK you can groan ;)

Ohhhhhh noooooo! :P Was that good enough, Chris. I'm going to tell that one to my great niece and nephew! They're going to love it! :clap:

[J.A.I]

There was an elderly man at home, upstairs, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. led down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies.

With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.

Gasping for breath, he asked her, "Why did you do that?"

"Those are for the funeral."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behaviour that made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the banker said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."

ROFL HAHAHAHA I LOVE THOSE!!!

[J.A.I]

What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur?

Doyouthinkhesaurus.............

OK you can groan ;)

Oh that was horrible.... LOL!!

[TCapp]

Directions to heaven: turn right and go straight.

[Lorena]

That's a good one, TCapp! LoL This one is also great - I laughed out loud at the part about interpretive dance!

How many Unitarians does it take to change a lightbulb? We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

[ChrisB]

What's the dentist's favourite hymn?





Crown him with many crowns...................................... ;)

[BarbB]

Very funny, ChrisB as I got two crowns this year. Ow! :eek: :D

[Bulldog]

How many Calvinists does it take to change a lightbulb? None. God has predestined when the lights will be on.

Ans he didn't just look into the future to see that the lightbulb would be changed. :P

[Ceris]

All right! I'm back! (Sheesh, am I the only one who's posting good ones? ;) )

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the little girl replied, "They will in a minute."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
YOU MIGHT BE IN A COUNTRY CHURCH IF . . .
1. The doors are never locked.
2. The Call To Worship is "Y'all come on in!"
3. People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.
4. The Preacher says "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" - and 5 guys stand up.
5. The restroom is outside.
6. Opening day of deer hunting season is recognized as an official church holiday.
7. A member requests to be buried in his 4-wheel drive truck because "I ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get me out of".
8. In the annual stewardship drive there is at least one pledge of "2 calves".
9. Never in its entire 100-year history has one of it's pastors had to buy any meat or vegetables.
10. When it rains, everybody's smiling.
--------------------------------------------------------
If a church's average morning attendance is 100, how many will attend a Sunday evening service? (Answer: about ten)
If a church's average morning attendance is 2,500, how many will attend a Sunday evening service? (Answer: A Sunday evening what?)
Pastor Price has been at First Church for three years, and attendance has been growing at a rate of 11.3 percent annually, volunteerism is up, the budget is balanced, & the bathrooms painted.
What percentage salary increase can Pastor Price expect? (Answer: He will be fired for painting the bathrooms without calling a congregational meeting.)
When listening to a colleague preach, what percentage of pastors are convinced they could do a better job? (Answer: 63%. The rest aren't listening at all.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU MAY NOT BE READING YOUR BIBLE ENOUGH:

10) The Preacher announces the sermon is from Galatians ... and you check the table of contents.
9) You think Abraham, Isaac & Jacob may have had a few hit songs during the 60's.
8) You open to the Gospel of Luke and a WWII Savings Bond falls out.
7) Your favorite Old Testament Patriarch is Hercules.
6) A small family of woodchucks has taken up residence in the Psalms of your Bible.
5) You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn't listed in either the Concordance or the Table of Contents.
4) Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon, you demand: "Who gave you this stuff?"
3) You think the Minor Prophets worked in the quarries.
2) You keep falling for it every time when Pastor tells you to turn to First Condominiums.
And the number one sign you may not be reading your Bible enough:
1) The kids keep asking too many questions about your usual bedtime story: "Jonah the Shepherd Boy and His Ark of Many Colors."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy who was waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand.
"We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, sorry, I don't have any insurance," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.
"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.
"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters;' they are married to God."
"Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
(This one I actually heard from my father and that I have added onto)
The was a pastor who had a horse. Unfortunately, his church was low on money and he had to sell his horse. So he put an ad in the paper and the next day a man came by. "I saw your ad, I'm here to buy the horse," he said.

"Great!" replied the pastor, "But before you do, there's something I must tell you about this horse. I trained it in a special way. To make it trot, say 'Praise the Lord'. To make it gallop, say 'Hallelujah!'. And to make it stop, say 'Amen".

"All right," replied the man, "I think I've got that." He bought the horse and the pastor left. The man wanted to try out his new horse, so he saddled it up and got on. "Go!" said the man. "Giddy up!" The horse didn't move. "Oh what was it that I'm supposed to say...... oh yeah! Praise the Lord!" The horse started off at a trot.

They soon came to an open field and the man wanted to see just how fast the horse was. "Yah!!!", he said as he put his heels in the horse. The horse kept trotting. "Go!...... Run!..... Gallop!...... please?" No respone. "Oh yeah! Hallelujah!"

The horse shot off! It was the fastest horse he had ever ridden! The man was having the time of his life, feeling the wind rush through his face, when all of a sudden there was a cliff in front of him! The horse was running straight towards it! Fearing for his life, the man quickly called out a prayer. "Please God, save me! I don't wanna die. Amen!" The horse skidded to halt and stopped right on the edge of the cliff.

"Whew!" the man said in relief, "Praise the Lord and Hallelujah!"

[ChrisB]

I think this is supposed to be serious but it made me laugh :D

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/3775799.stm

[ShyAngel_18]

I thought all those jokes were funny. Had me cracking up! :D

[HappyMomof4]

How do you kill a blue elephant?
Shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a pink elephant?
Hold his nose until he turns blue and shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

:)

[crossrunner]

A retired preacher wanted to sell his aging horse. A not so smart fella came along and saw the horse. Looking for a good deal, he approached the preacher asking about the horse. "I'll give him to you for $10.00". The fella was impressed. "DEAL!" He said with glee. The preacher warned him, "there is only one problem...and you must not forget this...the horse will only go if you say 'Praise the Lord' and he will only stop if you say 'amen'." The fella, being very excited, didn't pay too much attention. He shoved $10 into the preacher's hand and mounted his new steed.
"Giddy-up" he yelped. Nothing. "Come on horse" the fella yelled as he jabbed the nag in the ribs with his feet. Nothing. "oh yeah...what was it I wuz s'posed to say....that's right...Praise the Lord!!". The horse began to gallop. They were galloping along and having a good time when up ahead the fella spotted a cliff. He pulled on the reigns and yelled "whoa boy". The dense horse didn't stop. "Stop ya stoopid horse". Nothing. In a panic, the fella's usually cloudy mind cleared and he exclaimed "AMEN!!!". The horse stopped at the very edge of the cliff. the fella looked down to see pebbles loosened by the horse's hooves falling down the cliff. The relieved fella looked up in the sky, wiped his brow and loudly stated...."PRAISE THE LORD". http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/4/4_1_210.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZNxdm86740US) http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/4/4_1_214.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZNxdm86740US) http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/4/4_1_212.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZNxdm86740US) cr....who loves to laugh at her own jokes.

[jlujan69]

Hey, how about some Baptist jokes?

[cygnusx1]

How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb? One, since his/her hands are in the air anyway.

How many Calvinists does it take to change a lightbulb? None. God has predestined when the lights will be on.

How many Brethren does it take to change a light bulb? CHANGE?!!!

How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb? 10, one to change it and 9 others to pray against the spirit of darkness.

How many TV evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb? One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.

How many Roman Catholics does it take to change a lightbulb? None: Candles only.

How many Amish does it take to change a lightbulb? What's a light bulb?

How many Polygamous Mormons does it take to change a lightbulb? Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to knock on your door and ask you if you've seen the light!

How many Unitarians does it take to change a lightbulb? We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
COOL :D

How many Liberals does it take to change a light bulb ??

No-one knows what a light bulb really is! :P

[cygnusx1]

How many Quakers does it take to change a light bulb ??


None ... they don't use light bulbs , everyone has inner light man! :D