Torn into two.

[sedulous_samantha]

Dear everybody,

I haven't posted much in this forum before, so for those who don't know me, you might like to read my introduction and previous post entitled "Sex before marriage".

I will try and explain my situation to you. I apologise now if I appear short and cold, but I am finding it difficult to deal with things at the moment.

I have been exploring Christianity for about a week now. I turned to Christianity because I felt that things were too physical with my boyfriend, and that we were neglecting the emotional connection between us in the precious little time we have during our exam period. I started to think that maybe the bible wasn't so "out of date" in its teaching, and so maybe I had something to learn from it. My boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 and a half years, and have been having sex for about 2 years of that time. Simply put, I couldn't imagine my life without him. It brings me to tears to just imagine him moving on, and falling in love with another girl. It brings me to tears thinking that something I've been looking at for one week, when I have been with him for 2 and a half years, could drive him away.

I spoke to him yesterday about my feelings. About possibly stopping sex before marriage. He said that if it was my wish, he would respect that. But equally, I realised that I would have to respect that if it became too difficult for him, I wouldn't be able to force him to stay. He tells me that he is a Christian, because he believes in Jesus Christ and God, but feels that some things in the bible are out of date. He told me that he has no issue with sex before marriage because he thinks God is watching and saying, "Look how in love they are". Whilst I know that we are in love and I enjoy being with him in this way, I worry about marriage and that it will be no different - when I want it to be so different. I worry that we are losing touch with what brought us together.

I told him this, and he said that when the exams are over (7 weeks), we will have so much time to do so much more. He said that he wants to be close in the ways that I suggested. But I questioned why we couldn't apply the thought of "doing so much more" with the time that we already have, even though it is little (Friday evenings). Until around this week or so, it has admittedly been too dark to go for walks, and we tend to stay in my bedroom which does make other physical recreation difficult. So that has caused problems, but there are still many things we could have done.

When I was telling him these things, I became so confused. My love for him was so strong that I was in tears for most of the conversation, which lasted several hours. I know that if I decide to stop sex, I could well lose him. Or drive us further apart, when what I want is to bring us closer together. He asked me if I could say how much of this was me wanting to stop sex, or me acknowledging that in Christianity it was a sin. He obviously has no problem with the latter, but was just concerned that I had only explored Christianity for a week, and for many people it takes years and years to build up a faith. I tried to explain that I had never considered Christianity until I became concerned with our relationship, and so I felt it was more me doing the talking.

But then I questioned what I had said, and told him that I hadn't meant it, I just wanted to make us closer together and I thought saying no to sex would do that. I considered carrying things on until I am certain of my faith, but if I felt uncertain about sex last night - when I have known God for only one week - surely that uncertainty will only grow. I'm not even sure I know God yet or that there even is one, but I am trying to learn more about Christianity and speak to him more.

I know that a Christian's relationship with God is supposed to be their most treasured. But I hardly know him at all, and even though it is sinful to say this, I feel that I would rather lose God than Ben. But perhaps I may lose Ben anyway, because my heart expressed anxiety about sex in our relationship before Christianity ever did.

Please guide me. I know that it breaks God's heart everytime that we sin, but I would like to question whether it would break his heart more if I turned away from him - and sinned anyway, not caring about it. Would he prefer me to sin and confess to him, than never speak to him again?

I have no idea what to do - it tears me apart to think of losing Ben. We have been through so much together. :cry:

[SpiritPsalmist]

Samantha,

God love's you so much. The things written in the Bible were and are not to keep us from enjoying each other but for our individual Devine protection. Obedience to God and His Word will only bring blessing from Him. His way's are to see us living in all His blessing's. He does not want to take our dreams away, but He want's to give us more than we ever thought we could have or even dream of.

I don't know that what I've written may not make complete sense to you but I know that as you seek after God and His way's and learn to walk in obedience He will not leave you forsaken.

Feel free to PM me if you like.

Barbara

[sedulous_samantha]

Hi Quaffer,

I suppose that I am so torn in two because Ben is so wonderful. When I modelled in London last Summer, Ben didn't work himself and came with me every time because he could not imagine me walking those streets without him. He tells me that it is calling in life to protect me. He has travelled all over the country with me to visit universities, because he is so worried that something could happen to me if I was alone. We have a holiday planned in July, for 5 days in Jersey (a Channel Island), after the stress of our final school exams. It will be my first holiday without school/parents, and our first together. We applied to the same universities, and both have a place at the same college at Oxford University (providing that we get good results in our exams). We have planned our life to be together, and I can't bear the thought of that not happening.

I wrote an e-mail about this to somebody at everystudent.com. I started with such anxiety in my heart, and again at the point of tears. But when I ended I was calm. Maybe it was God.

Thank you for caring. :hug:

[Biarien]

Sam,

I went through something similar earlier in my life. Perhaps my experiences will mean something to you.

I was quasi-dating a girl I knew in high school, Elizabeth. She and I had been close friends since freshman to sophomore year, but at the middle of junior year, she and I grew much closer. After junior year, during prom and the summer, we discovered that our friendship had grown into something more. So for that summer, senior year, and the summer after, we were sort of dating. She was reluctant to ever call it that for a couple reasons: one was that I was not Christian while she was. The other is that she was fiercely independent and wanted to make sure she never lost that independence by being labelled as someone's "girlfriend." This was difficult, but being with her was worth it.

Meanwhile, I was growing spiritually, as you read in another thread. As I began to seek God more, something happened. In August, before we went to college (we were going to the same college), she told me she didn't want to be "with" me anymore. She told me that her feelings for me were in the way of her spiritual growth (and to be truthful, she was in the way of mine at the time; I needed to mature a lot). I really felt like my heart was being torn from me, physically and emotionally. She told me that she thought it was a good thing, but I couldn't see past her. I really felt like it was all over then. That everything had meant nothing.

After we separated, I began to more deeply investigate God, and it was then that I actually came to faith in Christ. The pain of 'losing' her was always there, but the more I grew in my faith, the more I realized how much more wonderful it was. It was a bummer that I couldn't have the best of both worlds, but I realized that some things just can't work like that.

As it is, we are back together. Whether or not we were 'made for each other,' I don't know, but I know things have worked out right now.

--

Anyway, that's my little story. I don't know how much it means to you, if anything at all.

Trust in God, for as much as you trust in Ben, God is so much greater. :)

[Mary_Magdalene]

i lived for 27 years without Christ. I also searched for 27 years for a man that would fill the void in me. i searched for something from a man that i now know i was never to find- TRUE love. When i met Christ He became my true love.

Now i am married and understand that no person can match what God is to me-not even my husband or my beautiful children.

i also learned alot about the men i was with while searching for my TRUE love- if they really cared about me they would also care about my purity. they would put me on a pedestal. they would want to keep me pure and innocent until God found it acceptable-after marraige. i would want to be my future husbands beautiful gift. a beautiful gift that he would open on our wedding night.

when my husband and i got married we had already been together. long story short, we stopped having sex after being convicted of this sin and we waited until we were married. now i trust him so much more because if he could wait for me for almost a year (especially after we had already had sex before), then i knew how much he values me.

God loves you.

[sedulous_samantha]

Godschosengirl, is your husband a Christian too? That's a wonderful story about stopping until marriage, and I think it is far harder on the other partner to accept that decision once they already know what sex is like.

The only thing is that with Ben and I being both 18, and with 3 years of university and then probably a serious fund deficit (!) in the first year after, we're looking at waiting at least 4-5 years. That's a long time to ask of somebody.

Thank you everybody for posting your thoughts. I really, really appreciate all that has been said.

[Mary_Magdalene]

When we had met he had once thought he was saved but wasnt sure. so he knew what the bible said about sex before being wed. We both became believers and were baptised at church together. when asked to say something about what Christ did in his life, he spoke (in front of the whole church) about degrading me (by having sex before marraige) and spoke on how God had now forgiven him. From that point on we waited until our wedding night.

The bible also speaks of being equally yolked. I pray that your boyfriend comes to know Christ as his Savior. Please remember that us women can be a great influence by example of God's work in our lives. This in itself can be very attractive to a man.

My honest suggestion is this. If i knew these things when i was 18, I wouldnt have to have gone thru half the troubles i did and God wouldnt have to work so hard to repair what he did in my life. It doesnt matter how long you make someone wait until you get married. You, my friend, are a wonderful, beautiful, glorious woman that God wants set apart from the world. If a man had to wait for 10 years for such a precious, beautiful gift- it would be worth it- to both of you. i felt like a virgin on my wedding night-even though i wasnt. Once you make that commitment to God to be a pure woman, he will clean you up! What a beautiful gift i felt like that night- vs. what would have been just an "every day sexual encounter" with my boyfriend. It was so special!!!

My honest opinion is like i stated before, you are worth waiting for (no matter how long that is). The bible says so- so God says so. You body is not your own-its Gods. He is your Father-the one who created you. Please-I know its hard but try to focus on pleasing Him before anyone else. He is the one you will spend ETERNITY with!! He knows what is best for us. He loves you so much and wants what is best for His best girl (You) !!!! You are the apple of His eye. He loves you enough that He sent His Son for you.

Let me know if i can help you further. You are in my prayers. :prayer:

with His love and mine,

GodsChosenGirl

[Svt4Him]

Sam,

Who is Jesus Christ to you?

A father and son go camping at a beautiful lake. At one end of the lake there is a blocked off section with clearly shown danger signs all around the fence. The father looks at the son and says, “You may swim in any area of the lake you like, but don’t cross the fence and go in that area, it’s very dangerous.”

A day goes by and the father and son are having a great time. Then in the afternoon, the father goes to take a nap. The son then goes up to the fence and looks at the nice dock on the other side. He thinks it actually looks pretty nice over there, and ignores the warnings of his father. He jumps the fence and walks on to the dock. The water looks nice, and when he dips his toe in, it feels nice. So against the warning of his father, and the warning on the fence, he jumps in.

The father is awoken by a horrific scream. He jumps out and sees his son in the water and alligators are coming towards him. The father jumps the fence and jumps into the water. The son is thrown onto the dock, and looks back to see his dad’s bloody body crawling onto the dock. His dad survives, but will never be the same.

Now if the son jumps up and thinks it wasn’t too bad and he’d like to go in again, either he didn’t understand the danger and didn’t value his father’s sacrifice, or he thinks his father will keep saving him. If he understood the horror of the situation, and the sacrifice of the father, not swimming there wouldn’t be a big issue.

And what kind of love would say it would be better to swim in that lake than to listen to his father? Wouldn't love want what was best in the long term, body soul and spirit?

[Kelly]

Samantha,

As you grow closer to Christ, he will begin to transform your heart. It's happening already as evident in your post. The Bible may appear to be a document for 'the olden days' but it's application to today is evident in almost every page. First and foremost, it's the Word of God. We don't get to pick and choose what parts of his will we follow and what we don't.

If he loves you, and is Christian, he will respect your wishes to abstain from sex until marriage. It can be very difficult to be in a relationship with someone unequally yoked. If you are in a relationship with a fellow Christian you can work together on getting closer to Jesus. You can study the Bible together, and help each other out throw rough spots. I recommend that you find a church right away and get involved. Surround yourself with other believers who can support you.

God Bless!

[Jenna]

Maybe I'm out of place here, but I see obsession. I say it without malice or intent to hurt, but from an understanding through having been there.

I once had a boyfriend that I loved more than life itself. I believed that he was everything that I ever wanted in a mate. It was a challenge to me to grow in my own right for fear of doing something to put him off. Like with the sex issue, I was afraid that if I didn't give him everything that he wanted from me, he would turn elsewhere and I would lose him. When it comes down to it, I did lose him, or rather he lost me. ;) I learned a lot of real hard lessons from that point on.

One thing that I learned was to never wrap myself up in a human to the extent that they are the most important thing in your life, even above God. God never fails and never changes, the same can't be said for mankind.

Another thing that I learned is that sex cannot and willnot sustain a relationship, whether married or single. You have to have a firm foundation to build a relationship on, and sex just isn't sufficient. It WILL crumble, and it will be the one who has the most invested in the relationship that hurts the most.

You are of age. If the two of you love each other as much as you say, it might be best that you marry instead of burning with lust. In that way, you can in essence, have your cake and eat it too. If you aren't ready to marry for some reason, I'd say that it's probably a good indication that you aren't ready to be having sex either. If marriage sounds like a big commitment, having children is just as big, if not more so.

Even though it doesn't always feel like a great thing, it sure is when we reach the point where we begin to reach a more mature mindset. Congratulations. You're getting there. Sex will never keep a guy for long if he doesn't truly desire to be committed. So, if he were to leave because he doesn't get sex, he would have eventually left anyway. Regardless of whether he sticks around or not, at least you would be able to say that you were on the right page in the end.

All in all, it seems like the Lord is reaching out to you. Go ahead, heed the call. It's far more important. God can introduce you to a love that is so all encompassing that it makes all else seem pale. It's a lesson of great importance, and it will teach you how to love others, to really love others. Loving someone also means doing what is good (and right) for their benefit, even when it hurts. You can love someone more by withholding that which is unhealthy for them (premarital sex, for example) than by indulging the situation.

[Svt4Him]

I really do feel for you, it's not a nice situation, but you need to repent and believe in Jesus Christ. Repent means to turn from sin, not play with it while God changes you. It may make you sad, but walk away from Jesus like the rich young ruler did, if you are unwilling to surrender all.

[TerryR]

This is a great example for us parents, of stressing the importance of teaching abstinence until marriage to your children, starting young. Ephesians 5:31 says "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." Marriage is the holy sanctuary for sexual practices, there is no other substitute. There is also biblical precedent for you yearnings to know the truth, eventhough, you were not a believer Romans 1: 19-20 "19since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. 20For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities--his eternal power and divine nature--have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse" This means, inside of everyone of us, there is an internal knowledge of the Creator, as well as external evidence, all of Creation. Another thing, you are blantanly holding this mortal man over The Living God. That is exactly the same as idol worship, putting your boyfriends sexual desires above your own relationship with your Creator.

Please read these scriptures:

Galatians 5:16-17 "16-So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. 17-For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want."

Galatians 5:19 "19-The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery;"

Galatians 5:22-25 "22-But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23-gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24-Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. 25-Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. "

Titus 2:11-12 "11-For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. 12-It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age,"

You know the truth now, you have no excuse for turning away from it. Actually you have created a double edge sword. The worst and best thing you could have done was come on here and ask to hear the truth. You now know it, do what is right, and walk in the Spirit. Though your heart and your flesh are weak, the Lord is your strength and your portion forever. Amen

[BarbB]

Samantha - It occurs to me from what you've posted that you are being "called" by God; you feel it and are now under conviction over your pre-marital sex. The above posters have given you excellent advice. What you might want to do is follow your call and begin reading the Bible. I did and discovered it's truth! And have been glad that I have done so! I'm sure that I'm not the only one praying for you! Keep posting with what you're thinking and feeling!

[Jenna]

I'm sure that I'm not the only one praying for you! Keep posting with what you're thinking and feeling!

Don't you know know it! :) While we can't be supportive of pre-marital sex, we're definitely pullin for you! Hang in there doll, you've got our prayers.

[desi]

Godschosengirl, is your husband a Christian too? That's a wonderful story about stopping until marriage, and I think it is far harder on the other partner to accept that decision once they already know what sex is like.

The only thing is that with Ben and I being both 18, and with 3 years of university and then probably a serious fund deficit (!) in the first year after, we're looking at waiting at least 4-5 years. That's a long time to ask of somebody.

Thank you everybody for posting your thoughts. I really, really appreciate all that has been said.
Samantha I married at age 18 because the girl I love got pregnant. Friday I will graduate with a Doctor of Pharmacy degree, still married to the same beautiful woman I married long ago. My wife having been through my time in the Marine Corps, earning an associates degree, bachelor's degree, and finally the 'big one' in a few days I find myself struck by how much we have in common, 5 children aside, by how much we have been together in trying times. I know many people who waited until the 'time was right' to marry according to society's ruler, while a few of these marriages work out quite a few of them don't. These same people who wondered at my cavalier attitude at young marriage have found themselves clueless as they chalk up a divorce to "irreconcilable differences".

Sex before marriage was discouraged by the bible for many reasons which are still glaringly obvious today, VD & single mothers with maladjusted children living in poverty. In all fairness to your boyfriend he is rebelling against a hardship her perceives you implementing. You have to be wise enough to see it is for the best in the long run. In addition to what I've already said I know many beautiful women sharing their bodies with men they hope to marry, all the while waiting for him to pop the question. If the sex stops, the question will happen or he will leave. If he leaves he wasn't right for you anyways.

Please forgive my preaching as I have four daughters and a son who I find myself hassleing every day on one thing or another. As long as you follow what God leads you to as right you will be doing best for all.

[gort]

Hello Samantha,

Every one of these posts you find here is wisdom talking. Not much I can add to it. Our Father in Heaven has a marriage set for His Beloved Son. The bride is the body of believers here on earth. The bride so loves the Son so very much, and the bride loves the Father. The Son gives the bride a life so abundant that mere words cannot explain. The Son wants His Bride to be clothed in pure white on the day of the wedding feast. The Blood of the SOn cleanseth away all sin. The bride wants to be clean, and lamps full of oil on that day. THe love that God gives is unmatched in the world.

You also have a conviction in your heart, to tell you that it is wrong. Follow that please. Hard to do, it may well be, but you will never regret it. If the guy loves you, then he will do what you wish.

Kelly has some good advice. Go find a church with others your age, and you will find new friends and all can help each other. Everybody needs fellowship.


<><