More Jewish Humor

[ChavaK]

It's getting a little serious here....time to lighten things up!

Top eleven comments that let you know that the
person next to you hasn't been to shul very often.

1) "Hey, my book is printed back to front!"

2) "Isn't it impolite to talk when the rabbi is speaking?"

3) "I get the standing and sitting bit, but when do we kneel?"

4) "Why do people keep coming in even after the service starts?
Don't they know what time it begins?"

5) "Do people always get up and walk out just before the
rabbi gives his sermon?"

6) "The food after the service is really very good, but wouldn't
it be better if people waited in line and then only took a
little at a time?"

7) "You there, slow down, your getting ahead of the soloist!"

8) "Why am I the only male sitting in this section?"

9) " You'd think nobody has ever seen a cell phone before."

10) "Pardon me, but you have some string hanging down from
your scarf."

11) "When do they pass the collection plate?"

[ChavaK]

A lesson in Hebonics from Howard Schollman, linguistics professor
and author of Switched on Hebonics.

Basic grammar rules:
1) The response to any question is usually another question-
plus a complaint that is implied or stated. An example: "How are you" may be answered by "How should I be, with my feet?"

2) Hebonics is a superb way to express sarcasm or skepticism by
repetition of a word with "sh" or "shm" at the beginning: "Mountains, shmoutains. Stay away, you want a nosebleed?"

3) Move the subject of the sentence to the end, with it's pronoun
at the beginning. "It's beautiful, that dress"

4) Move the verb to the end of the sentence. Thus, the proper
response to "He is as slow as a turtle" would be "Turtle, shmurtle!
Like a fly in Vaseline he walks"

Here are examples of questions and the proper way to Hebonicaly
answer them:

Question: What time is it?
English response: Sorry, I don't know
Hebonic answer: What am I, a clock?

Remark: I hope things turn out okay.
English: Thanks
Hebonics: I should BE so lucky!

Remark: Hurry up, dinners ready.
English: I'll be right there.
Hebonics: Alright already, I'm coming! What's with the "hurry"
business? Is there a fire?

Remark: I like the tie you gave me, I wear it all the time.
English: I'm glad you liked it.
Hebonics: So what's the matter, you don't like the other tie
I gave you?

Remark: Sarah and I are engaged.
English: Congatulations!
Hebonics: She could stand to gain a few pounds.

Remark: It's a beautiful day.
English: It certainly is.
Hebonics. So, the sun is out; what else is new?

Answering a phone call from a son:
English: I'ts been a long time since you called.
Hebonics: You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?

To guest of honor at his birthday party:
English: Happy Birthday!
Hebonics: A year smarter you should become.

Lady to butcher: This chicken has a broken leg.
English: I'm sorry; I will get you another one.
Hebonics: Look lady, are you gonna eat it or
dance with it?

Lady to fishmonger: I don't like the looks of this whitefish.
English: I'll get you another piece
Hebonics: For looks, you don't buy whitefish, you buy goldfish.

Have fun adding your own....

[ChavaK]

Move the verb to the end of the sentence. Thus, the proper
response to "He is as slow as a turtle" would be "Turtle, shmurtle!
Like a fly in Vaseline he walks"

Makes me wonder if Yoda was trained in Hebonics...

[Ivy]

2) "Isn't it impolite to talk when the rabbi is speaking?"



My favorite one. :D

[ChavaK]

My favorite one. :D

That, plus the one regarding the kiddush, and walking
out on the rabbis drash.....all very true!

[zaksmummy]

Well I've never been to a synagogue, but it sounds like fun, and I appreciate the humour

Catrin xx

[ChavaK]

Well I've never been to a synagogue, but it sounds like fun, and I appreciate the humour

Catrin xx

Well, if you go....compare what you see to the list here...:)

[Colabomb]

My favorite one. :D

I don't get it :P :blush:

[SingingElk]

*dies* This is too funny.

8) "Why am I the only male sitting in this section?"

Now for some Hebonics of my own

The bride introduces her husband who has a nice head of hair.
English: Oh he is so handsome!
Hebonics: He could stand to lose some of that mop.

Child looks ruefully at his plate. "My peas are touching my fish!" The Mother replies:
English: Just move them aside with your fork Dearie.
Hebonics: It won't matter to your stomach. It will get all mixed up anyways.

[ChavaK]

My favorite one. :D

Not only is it not impolite, it's expected!

[ORI]

LOVE IT!

Thanks Chava

:D

[ChavaK]

LOVE IT!

Thanks Chava

:D

See what you have to look forward to??
:wave:

[Ivy]

Makes me wonder if Yoda was trained in Hebonics...


LOL!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D

Hebonics you are speaking, hmmmm? Judge me by my size, do you???? :D

[ChavaK]

Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream is now available in Israel in
the following flavors:


Wailing Wallnut

Moishemellow

Mazel Toffee

Chazalnut

Oy Ge-malt

Mi Ka-mocha

Bernard Malamint

Berry Pr'i Hagafen

Choc-Eilat Chip

Simchas T'Oreo

It should be noted that all of these flavors come in
either a cup or a Cohen

[ContraMundum]

Top eleven comments that let you know that the
person next to you hasn't been to shul very often.

....

2) "Isn't it impolite to talk when the rabbi is speaking?"

....

6) "The food after the service is really very good, but wouldn't
it be better if people waited in line and then only took a
little at a time?"

...

7) "You there, slow down, your getting ahead of the soloist!"


Crack up!
^_^ :D :thumbsup:

[ContraMundum]

Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream is now available in Israel in
the following flavors:


Wailing Wallnut

Moishemellow

Mazel Toffee

Chazalnut

Oy Ge-malt

Mi Ka-mocha

Bernard Malamint

Berry Pr'i Hagafen

Choc-Eilat Chip

Simchas T'Oreo

It should be noted that all of these flavors come in
either a cup or a Cohen

LOL....you crack me up!

[ChavaK]

Crack up!
^_^ :D :thumbsup:

I think the general rule
is the frummer the shul, the truer those
observations are....

[Ivy]

I want a double scoop of Berry P'ri Hagafen :D

[Homesick4Heaven]

:D

Cup or Cohen.....hard decision. As if choosing a flavor wasn't hard enough.

[HadassahSukkot]

Rofl!

[ChavaK]

:D

Cup or Cohen.....hard decision. As if choosing a flavor wasn't hard enough.

It gets even harder. Do you want a sugar cohen, regular cohen,
or a waffle cohen ( I think that is one that cannot make up his mind).

[Homesick4Heaven]

How about chocolate coated cohen? I prefer my cohen to be coated to prevent the ice cream from making it soggy.

[Torah613]

not to mention Chocolate. The gifts of HaShem are endless!

Yochanan

[ChavaK]

The gifts of HaShem are endless!

Yochanan

This is true! Although I am one of the weirdos who doesn't
really like chocoloate. I much prefer vanilla.

[Torah613]

What?! first no coffee and then no chocolate? Are you sure your not from mars....or canada? just kidding.

Yochanan

[Torah613]

I do rather like vanilla myself at times. But with chocolate, anything less than 75% is just too light for my tastes. with vanilla I'm much easier to please.

Yochanan

[ChavaK]

Addition to Hebonics:

Inflection, too, is an important aspect to Yiddish. This from Leo Rosten's wonderful book "The Joys of Yiddish": (The questioner as asking whether he/she should attend a concert being given by a niece. The meaning of the same sentence changes completely, depending on where the speaker places the emphasis:)
Ishould buy two tickets for her concert?--meaning:, "After what she did to me?"
I should buy two tickets for her concert?--meaning: "What, you're giving me a lesson in ethics?"
I should buy two tickets for her concert?--meaning: I wouldn't go even if she were giving out free passes!
I should buy two tickets for her concert?--meaning: I'm having enough trouble deciding whether it's worth one.
I should buy two tickets for her concert?--She should be giving out free passes, or the hall will be empty.
I should buy two tickets for her concert?--Did she buy tickets to our daughter's recital?
I should buy two tickets for her concert?--You mean, they call what she does a "concert"?

[Ivy]

Addition to Hebonics:

Inflection, too, is an important aspect to Yiddish. This from Leo Rosten's wonderful book "The Joys of Yiddish": (The questioner as asking whether he/she should attend a concert being given by a niece. The meaning of the same sentence changes completely, depending on where the speaker places the emphasis:)

Ishould buy two tickets for her concert?--meaning:, "After what she did to me?"

I should buy two tickets for her concert?--meaning: "What, you're giving me a lesson in ethics?"
I should buy two tickets for her concert?--meaning: I wouldn't go even if she were giving out free passes!
I should buy two tickets for her concert?--meaning: I'm having enough trouble deciding whether it's worth one.
I should buy two tickets for her concert?--She should be giving out free passes, or the hall will be empty.
I should buy two tickets for her concert?--Did she buy tickets to our daughter's recital?

I should buy two tickets for her concert?--You mean, they call what she does a "concert"?


LOL!!!!!!! :D :D :D

[HadassahSukkot]

It gets even harder. Do you want a sugar cohen, regular cohen,
or a waffle cohen ( I think that is one that cannot make up his mind).
ROFL!!

[johnd]

bump

[johnd]

bump

[johnd]

bump

[ContraMundum]

Q. How many midrashic writers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Fourteen, because the word for "pelican" has had fourteen cycles of
meaning through the ages.

Q. How many Talmudic Sages does it take to change a light bulb?

A. R. Akiva heard from R. Millerstein, who heard from Rab Yossi, who got it
from R. David, who got it from Moses, that it would
take three.
Whereupon, R. Yakov said that Moses said 'three' but meant 'two'
since "light" has three radicals, but the vaw in the
middle separates the light from the dark.

Q. How many Talmudic scholars does it take to change a light-bulb?

"A changed light-bulb proves nothing!"

Q. How many Orthodox Jews does it take to change a light-bulb?

One, unless it's Saturday.

A bit academic, but:

Q. How many pre-Maccabean Jewish writers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. None. There is no need. Abraham invented the light bulb (right after the plough), and Moses invented the first eternal light bulb (after inventing irrigation for the Nile).

[ChavaK]

Q. How many midrashic writers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Fourteen, because the word for "pelican" has had fourteen cycles of
meaning through the ages.

Q. How many Talmudic Sages does it take to change a light bulb?

A. R. Akiva heard from R. Millerstein, who heard from Rab Yossi, who got it
from R. David, who got it from Moses, that it would
take three.
Whereupon, R. Yakov said that Moses said 'three' but meant 'two'
since "light" has three radicals, but the vaw in the
middle separates the light from the dark.

Q. How many Talmudic scholars does it take to change a light-bulb?

"A changed light-bulb proves nothing!"

Q. How many Orthodox Jews does it take to change a light-bulb?

One, unless it's Saturday.

A bit academic, but:

Q. How many pre-Maccabean Jewish writers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. None. There is no need. Abraham invented the light bulb (right after the plough), and Moses invented the first eternal light bulb (after inventing irrigation for the Nile).

LOL! I thought I had heard every Jewish joke in existence, but
this is a new one to me.
But you do bring up a good point- does the light bulb in the
ner tamid ever need changning? ;)

[Ivy]

Q. How many midrashic writers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Fourteen, because the word for "pelican" has had fourteen cycles of
meaning through the ages.

Q. How many Talmudic Sages does it take to change a light bulb?

A. R. Akiva heard from R. Millerstein, who heard from Rab Yossi, who got it
from R. David, who got it from Moses, that it would
take three.
Whereupon, R. Yakov said that Moses said 'three' but meant 'two'
since "light" has three radicals, but the vaw in the
middle separates the light from the dark.

Q. How many Talmudic scholars does it take to change a light-bulb?

"A changed light-bulb proves nothing!"

Q. How many Orthodox Jews does it take to change a light-bulb?

One, unless it's Saturday.

A bit academic, but:

Q. How many pre-Maccabean Jewish writers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. None. There is no need. Abraham invented the light bulb (right after the plough), and Moses invented the first eternal light bulb (after inventing irrigation for the Nile).


LOL!

That was a stitch! :D

Made me glad I've been attending shul classes so long so I could actually somewhat "get it." :)

[johnd]

Rabbi Altmann and his secretary were sitting in a coffeehouse in Berlin in 1935. "Herr Altmann," said his secretary, "I notice you're reading Der Stürmer! I can't understand why. A Nazi libel sheet! Are you some kind of masochist, or, G-d forbid, a self-hating Jew?"
"On the contrary, Frau Epstein. When I used to read the Jewish papers, all I learned about were pogroms, riots in Palestine, and assimilation in America. But now that I read Der Stürmer, I see so much more: that the Jews control all the banks, that we dominate in the arts, and that we're on the verge of taking over the entire world. You know – it makes me feel a whole lot better!"

[johnd]

After the assassination of Tsar Alexander II of Russia, a government official in Ukraine menacingly addressed the local rabbi, "I suppose you know in full detail who was behind it."
"Ach," the rabbi replied, "I have no idea, but the government's conclusion will be the same as always: they will blame the Jews and the chimneysweeps."
"Why the chimneysweeps?" asked the befuddled official.
"Why the Jews?" responded the rabbi.

[johnd]

Down South during World War II, a sergeant gets a telephone call from a woman. "We would love it," she said, "if you could bring five of your soldiers over to our house for Thanksgiving dinner."
"Certainly, ma'am," replied the sergeant.
"Oh... just make sure they aren't Jews, of course," said the woman.
"Will do," replied the sergeant. So that Thanksgiving while the woman is baking, the doorbell rings. She opens her door and, to her horror, five black soldiers are standing in front of her.
"Oh, my!" she exclaimed. "I'm afraid there's been a terrible mistake!"
"No ma'am," said one of the soldiers. "Sergeant Rosenbloom never makes mistakes!"

[johnd]

SUPER MENSCH

[LadyGarnetRose]

HAHAHAHA!!! I should read this thread more often!

[ChavaK]

HAHAHAHA!!! I should read this thread more often!

How about contributing some jokes??? ;)

[LadyGarnetRose]

How about contributing some jokes??? ;)
Next one I remember, I'll post :D

[ChavaK]

Next one I remember, I'll post :D

Excellent! I could use with some fresh ones....seems like all
the jokes are the same old ones that have been around for
ever.

[LovebirdsFlying]

Obviously much of the humor went ziiiip right over my head, but the ice cream flavors had me falling off my chair. :D I thank having read Leo Rosten's "The Joys of Yiddish" for that.

Probably the only joke I can contribute is the one set in WWII Europe, where an elderly Jew accidentally backed into a Nazi officer. Angrily the Nazi barked, "Schweinhundt!"*

The elderly Jew bowed politely and answered, "Goldberg."
.
.
.
.
*It means "pig-dog" and was considered the lowest insult.

[LadyGarnetRose]

Obviously much of the humor went ziiiip right over my head, but the ice cream flavors had me falling off my chair. :D I thank having read Leo Rosten's "The Joys of Yiddish" for that.

Probably the only joke I can contribute is the one set in WWII Europe, where an elderly Jew accidentally backed into a Nazi officer. Angrily the Nazi barked, "Schweinhundt!"*

The elderly Jew bowed politely and answered, "Goldberg."
.
.
.
.
*It means "pig-dog" and was considered the lowest insult.
The Joy of Yiddish is a wonderful book.

[Ivy]

I read a great joke in that book once, but after looking and looking, I can't seem to re-find it.The gist was that two old men were complaining to each other about how hard life is, and one of them says, "It'd be better not to be born." And the other says, "Yes, but how many men are so lucky?" :D

I wish I could have remembered it better, but anyway, I always liked that joke. :)

[johnd]

Two old Jewish gentlemen lived across the hall from each other for years. They would ride up and down the same elevator together year after year without saying a word. Usually a gesture or a grunt would suffice.

One day Irving asked Shmuely, "Shmuely, you and I have been riding up and down this old elevator for what fifteen years now."

Shmuely just stared ahead into space as he always did.

"I mean, would it kill us to say hullo? Or how's tricks? Or how's the family?"

The lift reached the destination.

Shmuely looked directly at Irving for the first time in fifteen years and said, "How are ya, Irving?"

Irving waved his hand, "Don't ask..."

[christinepro]

Obviously much of the humor went ziiiip right over my head, but the ice cream flavors had me falling off my chair. :D I thank having read Leo Rosten's "The Joys of Yiddish" for that.

Probably the only joke I can contribute is the one set in WWII Europe, where an elderly Jew accidentally backed into a Nazi officer. Angrily the Nazi barked, "Schweinhundt!"*

The elderly Jew bowed politely and answered, "Goldberg."
.
.
.
.
*It means "pig-dog" and was considered the lowest insult.
Funny! The German should have called her Dunkoff.

[LadyGarnetRose]

Talk about timing, my father sent these to my email today :D

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he’s been given a part in the school play.
“Wonderful. What part is it?”
The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.”
The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”
----------
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a rabbi, if they could discuss his use of the family car. His father took him into his study and said: “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut and then we’ll talk about it.”
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father’s study where the father said: “Son, I’ve been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied the Talmud diligently, but you didn’t get your hair cut.”
The young man waited a moment and then replied:” You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Rambam had long hair and even Noah had long hair.”
The rabbi said: “Yes, and they walked everywhere they went.”
------------

What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
Is ANYTHING all right?”

------------

Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?

Under the vaccum cleaner.

[HeatherMicaela]

LadyGR - that first one made me LOL

I love this one:
A wealthy Jewish man buys a fabulous home
in Beverly Hills, California. He brings in a local
workman to decorate the place.

When the job is finished, the homeowner is
delighted but realizes that he's forgotten to put
mezuzahs on the doors.

He goes out and buys 50 mezuzahs and asks the
decorator to place them on the right hand side of
each door except for the bathrooms.

He's really worried that the decorator will chip the
paint work or won't put them up correctly.

However, when he comes back a few hours later,
he sees that the job has been carried out to his
entire satisfaction. He's so pleased that he gives
the decorator a bonus.

As the decorator is walking out of the door he says,
"Glad you're happy with the job...Oh, by the way, I
took out the warranties in each one and left them
on the table for you!"

_______________________________________________
A rabbi took his Passover lunch to eat
outside in the park. He sat down on a
bench and began eating.

A little while later a blind man came by
and sat down next to him. Feeling
neighborly, the rabbi passed a sheet
of matzo to the blind man.

The blind man handled the matzo for
a few minutes, looked puzzled, and
finally exclaimed,

"Who wrote this nonsense?"
________________________________________________
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

[ChavaK]

I love this one:
A wealthy Jewish man buys a fabulous home
in Beverly Hills, California. He brings in a local
workman to decorate the place.

When the job is finished, the homeowner is
delighted but realizes that he's forgotten to put
mezuzahs on the doors.

He goes out and buys 50 mezuzahs and asks the
decorator to place them on the right hand side of
each door except for the bathrooms.

He's really worried that the decorator will chip the
paint work or won't put them up correctly.

However, when he comes back a few hours later,
he sees that the job has been carried out to his
entire satisfaction. He's so pleased that he gives
the decorator a bonus.

As the decorator is walking out of the door he says,
"Glad you're happy with the job...Oh, by the way, I
took out the warranties in each one and left them
on the table for you!"

That reminds me of this one:

A man takes his tallis to the cleaners and is quoted a price
of $4.00 to have it cleaned.
When he picks it up, he is given a bill for $12.00. He
complains to the owner, wanting to know why he was
charged so much more than the original quote.
The owner, who prided himself on always giving excellent
service to his customers, stated that he actually gave the
gentleman a discounted price: "Do you know how long it
took me to get all the knots out of the strings?"

[HeatherMicaela]

Roflol

[ChavaK]

I read a great joke in that book once, but after looking and looking, I can't seem to re-find it.The gist was that two old men were complaining to each other about how hard life is, and one of them says, "It'd be better not to be born." And the other says, "Yes, but how many men are so lucky?" :D

I wish I could have remembered it better, but anyway, I always liked that joke. :)

Then there's the one about the rabbi who is so over come on
Yom Kippur that he throws himself on the floor and screams
"G-d, I am nothing! NOTHING!"
The cantor is so moved that he too starts screaming
" I am NOTHING!"
One of the congregants runs up, also so throws himself
on the floor, screaming "I am NOTHING!"

The rabbi looks and the cantor look at each other, rolling
their eyes. "Look who thinks he's nothing!" says the rabbi.

[ChavaK]

Another ancient one:

A Jewish man is walking through the woods when a bear starts
chasing him. Spying a cave, the man runs into to seek safety
from the bear. Unfortunately the bear follows him in. Realizing
he is about to die, the man closes his eyes and starts reciting
the shema.
He opens his eyes and sees that the bear also has
his eyes closed and is davening.
Baruch Hashem, I am saved! The bear is a lantzman!
But then he listens a little closer to the bears davening
and hears: "shehakol nihyeh bidvaro...."

[Henaynei]

Another ancient one:

A Jewish man is walking through the woods when a bear starts
chasing him. Spying a cave, the man runs into to seek safety
from the bear. Unfortunately the bear follows him in. Realizing
he is about to die, the man closes his eyes and starts reciting
the shema.
He opens his eyes and sees that the bear also has
his eyes closed and is davening.
Baruch Hashem, I am saved! The bear is a lantzman!
But then he listens a little closer to the bears davening
and hears: "shehakol nihyeh bidvaro...."ROFL ;)
'cept dat bar sho' has a funny idear o'kosher :D

[ChavaK]

ROFL ;)
'cept dat bar sho' has a funny idear o'kosher :D

LOL, so true!
The original joke has "hamotzi lechem min haaretz" but
I decided to make it "halachaly correct" ;)
But I guess it's a moot point since you don't say
a brachah for treif food anyway..... :)

[ChavaK]

After months of negotiation, a Jewish scholar from Odessa was granted permission to visit Moscow. He boarded the train and found an empty seat. At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him.

The scholar looked at the young man and thought:
This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if he isn't a peasant he probably comes from this district. If he comes from this district, he must be Jewish because this is, after all, the Jewish district. On the other hand, if he is a Jew where could he be going? I'm the only one in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow.

Wait - just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and you don't need special permission to go there. But why would he be going to Samvet? He's probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there, but how many Jewish families are there in Samvet?

Only two - the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a terrible family, so he must be visiting the Steinbergs. But why is he going?

The Steinbergs have only girls, so maybe he's their son-in-law. But if he is, then which daughter did he marry? Sarah married that nice lawyer from Budapest and Esther married a businessman from Zhadomir,
so it must be Sarah's husband.

Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not mistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name. What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs.

But if he changed his name he must have some special status. What could it be? A doctorate from the University.

At this point the scholar turns to the young man and said, "How do you do, Dr Kovacs?"

"Very well, thank you, sir" answered the startled passenger. "But how is it that you know my name?"

"Oh," replied the scholar, "it was obvious".

[HadassahSukkot]

:D Chavak! I love the last one... sounds so much like my hometown... everyone knows everyone else and by the time you've figured out who someone is (even if you haven't seen them in years and years) it's so close to that joke.... :D

[ChavaK]

:D Chavak! I love the last one... sounds so much like my hometown... everyone knows everyone else and by the time you've figured out who someone is (even if you haven't seen them in years and years) it's so close to that joke.... :D

It's also so true for anyone who is part of a Jewish community.
Everybody knows everybody else and everybody else's
business...

Plus you always know relatives and friends of the community. No
matter where in the world you are, you will run into them...

[ChavaK]

LOL!

Here are more in the same vain:


*Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
*A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

*Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American Princess horror movie ?
*A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes".

*Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers?
*A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

*A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
*"Not too good,"says the mother. "I've been very weak."
*The son says, "Why are you so weak?"
*She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
*The man says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?
*The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth filled with food if you called."

*Q. How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
*A. (Sigh) Don't bother, I'll sit in the dark, I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody.

*Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, 'Lady, I haven't eaten in three days.'
*"Force yourself," she replied.

* Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother?
* A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

* Sam Levy was driving down the road, gets pulled over by a policeman. Walking up to Sam's car, the policeman says, 'Your wife fell out of the car five miles back.' Sam replies, 'Thank god for that... I'd thought I'd gone deaf!'

* Q: If a doctor carries a black bag and a plumber carries a toolbox, what does a mohel carry?
* A: A Bris-kit!

* Q: What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews?
* A: Filet minyan.

* Jewish telegram: 'Begin worrying. Details to follow.'

[Henaynei]

* Jewish telegram: 'Begin worrying. Details to follow.'^_^ those are all good - but this one *really* got to me! ;) :pink:

[Torah613]

Q. How many midrashic writers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Fourteen, because the word for "pelican" has had fourteen cycles of
meaning through the ages.

Q. How many Talmudic Sages does it take to change a light bulb?

A. R. Akiva heard from R. Millerstein, who heard from Rab Yossi, who got it
from R. David, who got it from Moses, that it would
take three.
Whereupon, R. Yakov said that Moses said 'three' but meant 'two'
since "light" has three radicals, but the vaw in the
middle separates the light from the dark.

Q. How many Talmudic scholars does it take to change a light-bulb?

"A changed light-bulb proves nothing!"

Q. How many Orthodox Jews does it take to change a light-bulb?

One, unless it's Saturday.

A bit academic, but:

Q. How many pre-Maccabean Jewish writers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. None. There is no need. Abraham invented the light bulb (right after the plough), and Moses invented the first eternal light bulb (after inventing irrigation for the Nile).
ROFL! An excellent pre-shabbos treat Contra! (it helps me remember to set the lights).

Yochanan

[Torah613]

Oy Chava I am rolling.

An unworther extension on Contra's theme:

Q. How many Satmar Chasidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A. change? What do you mean Change?! are we commanded to change a lightbulb?

Q. How many Lubavitcher Chasidim does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. I don't know, but I'll send people all over the world to off-the-wall places till I find an answer.

Yochanan

PS: Sorry if I offended anyone by these crude attempts at humor.

[Torah613]

How many followers of Reb Nachman of Bratslav are needed to change a lightbulb? None. Their Rebbe's teachings last until the time of haMoshiach.

[ChavaK]

Oy Chava I am rolling.

An unworther extension on Contra's theme:

Q. How many Satmar Chasidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A. change? What do you mean Change?! are we commanded to change a lightbulb?

Q. How many Lubavitcher Chasidim does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. I don't know, but I'll send people all over the world to off-the-wall places till I find an answer.
LOL!:D


PS: Sorry if I offended anyone by these crude attempts at humor.

If I haven't offended anybody yet, I don't think you have
to worry about it. ;)

[christinepro]

A Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture.
When the son returned, he said, "Papa, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity."

"Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?"

He took his problem to his best friend. "Ike," he said, "I sent my son to Israel , and he came home a Chris tian
. What can I do?"
"Funny you should ask," said Ike. "I too, sent my son to Israel , and he also came home a Christian.
" Perhaps we should go see the rabbi. So they did, and they explained their problem to the rabbi.

"Funny you should ask," said the rabbi.. "I, too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian.
What is happening to our young people?"

And so they all prayed, telling the Lord about their sons. As they finished their prayer, a voice came from the heavens:

"Funny you should ask," said the voice. "I, too, sent my son to Israel ...."

[johnd]

http://i108.photobucket.com/albums/n4/MyWordsA/foepa/corey-freakout.jpg

the world has a problem with your being Jewish???


footnote... I didn't see the "finger" in the photo until after it was published here. If it offends, by all means remove it or I haply will.

[Colabomb]

http://i108.photobucket.com/albums/n4/MyWordsA/foepa/corey-freakout.jpg

the world has a problem with your being Jewish???


footnote... I didn't see the "finger" in the photo until after it was published here. If it offends, by all means remove it or I haply will.


(bangs head on desk)

There can't be an innocent joke thread without "The Gentiles are out to get us"?

[ChavaK]

Pre-Pesach humor for the techies here:

Exodus - in computer command language

>Release ISRAEL

ISRAEL running in slave mode, cannot release

>Set ISRAEL;mode=master

Pharaoh already running in master mode, cannot change ISRAEL

>Set Pharaoh;mode=slave

Command ignored

>Load Moshe/Moses

Done

>Deactivate Pharaoh

Pharaoh account hard locked;cannot be deactivated

>For i=1 to 10 do plagues

Are you sure? Y

Done

>Release ISRAEL

error: ISRAEL uninitialized

>Set ISRAEL = 600,000

Done

>Release ISRAEL

ISRAEL released

>Declare Matza;array(width=20,length=20,height=0)

Done

>Move ISRAEL to Sinai

OPERATOR WARNING! SYSTEM ABOUT TO CRASH! PHARAOH AND RED SEA HAVE LIMITED YOUR MEMORY SPACE! SAVE YOUR WORK!

>Save ISRAEL

Specify save device

>Save ISRAEL with miracle

Done

>Move ISRAEL to Sinai

Done

>For I=1 to 10 do commandments

Allocation conflict:Commandments cannot be operated with

active golden calf routine

>Destroy calf

Done

>For I=1 to 10 do commandments

Done; commandments stored on hard rock device

>Move ISRAEL to desert

Warning! Command could lead to infinite loop

>Move ISRAEL to desert;limit=40 years

Done

>Build Mishkan

Syntax error

>Build Mishkan;owner=Betzalel

Done

>Move ISRAEL to ISRAEL

Warning: operand terms must be unique

>Move ISRAEL to CANAAN

Overload: cannot move all of ISRAEL to CANAAN

>set ISRAEL = ISRAEL - (SPIES * 10)

Done

>Move ISRAEL to CANAAN

Done

>Happy Pesach/Passover

[ChavaK]

The Rabbi and the Priest

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of the clerics is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from G-d. G-d must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." The priest replies, "I agree with you completely."

"This must be a sign from G-d." The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely G-d wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?" The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."

[Colabomb]

Pre-Pesach humor for the techies here:

Exodus - in computer command language

>Release ISRAEL

ISRAEL running in slave mode, cannot release

>Set ISRAEL;mode=master

Pharaoh already running in master mode, cannot change ISRAEL

>Set Pharaoh;mode=slave

Command ignored

>Load Moshe/Moses

Done

>Deactivate Pharaoh

Pharaoh account hard locked;cannot be deactivated

>For i=1 to 10 do plagues

Are you sure? Y

Done

>Release ISRAEL

error: ISRAEL uninitialized

>Set ISRAEL = 600,000

Done

>Release ISRAEL

ISRAEL released

>Declare Matza;array(width=20,length=20,height=0)

Done

>Move ISRAEL to Sinai

OPERATOR WARNING! SYSTEM ABOUT TO CRASH! PHARAOH AND RED SEA HAVE LIMITED YOUR MEMORY SPACE! SAVE YOUR WORK!

>Save ISRAEL

Specify save device

>Save ISRAEL with miracle

Done

>Move ISRAEL to Sinai

Done

>For I=1 to 10 do commandments

Allocation conflict:Commandments cannot be operated with

active golden calf routine

>Destroy calf

Done

>For I=1 to 10 do commandments

Done; commandments stored on hard rock device

>Move ISRAEL to desert

Warning! Command could lead to infinite loop

>Move ISRAEL to desert;limit=40 years

Done

>Build Mishkan

Syntax error

>Build Mishkan;owner=Betzalel

Done

>Move ISRAEL to ISRAEL

Warning: operand terms must be unique

>Move ISRAEL to CANAAN

Overload: cannot move all of ISRAEL to CANAAN

>set ISRAEL = ISRAEL - (SPIES * 10)

Done

>Move ISRAEL to CANAAN

Done

>Happy Pesach/Passover


ROFLMBO!!!!!!!!

(one of the few i actually understand :blush:)

[christinepro]

Not Jewish homor but It's funny!
CATHOLIC GASOLINE

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, an Exxon Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been lent out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street.

One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'

[ChavaK]

Not Jewish homor but It's funny!
CATHOLIC GASOLINE

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, an Exxon Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been lent out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street.

One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'

LOL......jokes of all types welcome :)

[ChavaK]

This isn't a joke, but an actual email our rabbi sent out today:


Dear Friends – a couple of things:

1. There was a wad of cash in a paper clip left at shul last week on the back table – if you think it is yours, just send me an email.I wonder how many emails he got...
Of course, maybe this is his way of finding out who can make a big donation to the shul, LOL :D

[ChavaK]

Jewish film titles

Oy of the Beholder - Singles kvetch about their awful partners.
Girls Interrupted - Women's section of shul are told to be quiet during davening.
Seder House Rules - Zeda explains the law on Pesach.
Angela's Kashas - Woman tells all her secret recipes.
Supernova - Rocket scientists discover powerful strain of lox.
Dredel Will Rock - Toy comes alive during Chanukah.
Sleepy Halah - It's Friday and dad fills up on bread then dozes off.
Goys Don't Cry - Rabbi explains why only Jews celebrate Tisha B'Av.
Goy Story 2 - Issy divorces shiksa, then marries another.
Mun on the Moon - Astronauts find hamentashen filling on the moon
Stuart Ladle - Mouse makes chicken soup for shabbos.
The End of the Affair - Sheva Brachos finishes at 3am.

[ChavaK]

Gourmet food.
Harry was walking down Regent Street and stepped into a posh gourmet food shop.
An impressive salesperson in a smart morning coat with tails approached him and politely asked, "Can I help you, Sir?"
"Yes," replied Harry, "I would like to buy a pound of lox."
"No. No," responded the dignified salesperson, "You mean smoked salmon."
"OK, a pound of smoked salmon, then."
"Anything else?"
"Yes, a dozen blintzes."
"No. No. You mean crepes."
"Okay, a dozen crepes."
"Anything else?"
"Yes. A pound of chopped liver."
"No. No. You mean pate."
"Okay," said Harry, "A pound of pate then and I'd like you to deliver all of this to my house on Saturday."
"Look," retorted the indignant salesperson, "we don't schlep on Shabbos!"

[ContraMundum]

Gourmet food.
Harry was walking down Regent Street and stepped into a posh gourmet food shop.
An impressive salesperson in a smart morning coat with tails approached him and politely asked, "Can I help you, Sir?"
"Yes," replied Harry, "I would like to buy a pound of lox."
"No. No," responded the dignified salesperson, "You mean smoked salmon."
"OK, a pound of smoked salmon, then."
"Anything else?"
"Yes, a dozen blintzes."
"No. No. You mean crepes."
"Okay, a dozen crepes."
"Anything else?"
"Yes. A pound of chopped liver."
"No. No. You mean pate."
"Okay," said Harry, "A pound of pate then and I'd like you to deliver all of this to my house on Saturday."
"Look," retorted the indignant salesperson, "we don't schlep on Shabbos!"

That's hilarious! LOL

[ContraMundum]

During the Soviet era, a Jewish man was sitting in Gorky Park reading a book on how to speak Hebrew, practicing aloud. A policeman happened by, and said "What are you reading that for? You know we'll never let you out of the country!"

"I'm learning it for when I get to Heaven" replied the man.

"What if you go to Hell?" laughed the policeman.

The Jew replied "Oh, Russian I already know"

[ContraMundum]

Two students of a Rabbi were summoned to his home for a meeting. While they were waiting, the Rebbetzin came with cake and coffee. She placed them on the table, and left for the students to enjoy while they were waiting.

However, one piece of cake was much larger than the other. The students looked at each other for a moment, and finally one took the bigger piece and began to eat it.

"Wait a minute, what are you doing?" said the other student. The one with the large cake looked up in surprise, "what do you mean?"

"Well, shouldn't you have offered me the big piece first, out of courtesy?" he stated.

"If I had have done that, would you have taken it? replied the student.

"Of course not, I would have offered it back to you" he answered.

The student replied "well, what are you complaining about? You got the piece you wanted!"

[christinepro]

This isn't a joke, but an actual email our rabbi sent out today:

I wonder how many emails he got...
Of course, maybe this is his way of finding out who can make a big donation to the shul, LOL :D
It's mine!HeHe!;)

[HaReb]

Great ones!

One night a guy takes his girlfriend, the daughter of the local Rabbi, home. As they are about to say goodbye, the guy starts feeling a little romantic. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her: "Darling, would you give me a good, long good-night kiss?"
Horrified, the straight-laced girl replies; "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
Ann,"No way. It's just too risky!"
Bob: "Oh please, please, I love you so much!"
Ann"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can’t"
Bob: "Oh yes you can. Please!"
Ann,"No, no. I just can’t"
Bob, "I beg you ...
Suddenly, without warning, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up, clad just in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a good-night kiss, or I can do it. Or if need be, mum says she can come down herself and do it. But for goodness' sake tell him to take his bl.....y off the intercom..."

[ChavaK]

It's mine!HeHe!;)

I'll send you his phone number, you can call and lay claim to it :D

[HaReb]

What about the Jewish dyslexic wannabe satanist....


he gave his life to santa!

[LadyGarnetRose]

The year is 2016 and the United States has elected the first Jewish president, Susan Goldfarb. She calls up her mother a few weeks after election day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration."


"I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again."


"Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."


"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmaltzy, what on earth would I wear?"


"Oh Mom" replies Susan, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom made by the best designer in New York ."


"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."


The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York , kosher all the way. Please, Mom, I really want you to come."


So Mom reluctantly agrees, and on January 21, 2017, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States .


In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a Senator sitting next to her.


"You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States ?"


The Senator whispers back, "Yes, I do."


Says Mom proudly, "Her brother is a doctor."

[HadassahSukkot]

^_^

[ChavaK]

Says Mom proudly, "Her brother is a doctor."


LOL :D

[HaReb]

A poor Jew, lost in the woods at nightfall...one of the three prescribed times of prayer - without his prayer book.

This is what he said to G_d: Dear G_d, I have done such a stupid thing: I do not have my prayer book with me, and I've such a poor memory, I cannot recite the prayers by heart. But you know the prayers, L_rd! so I'll just recite the letters of the alphabet, and you can just put them together in the right order!

[ContraMundum]

Q. What does a Jewish Princess make for lunch?

A. Reservations.

[ChavaK]

Q. What does a Jewish Princess make for lunch?

A. Reservations.

LOL!!! :D

[ChavaK]

A new joke I heard on my trip to Israel:

Torah sages decided that people must quit smoking because
Torah does not allow us to damage our health.

The Reform movement decided that the Torah is man made, and
does not need to be followed.

The Conservative movment agreed that they would smoke
only outside the house, but never inside it.

The Orthodox proclaimed " No big deal, we will just
sell our lungs to the goyim".


Kind of appropriate for Pesach, I thought.

[ChavaK]

More from Jewlarious:

http://www.kosherjudaism.org/forum/link.php?url=http://www.aish.com/movies/jphone.asp

[ChavaK]

More from Jewlarious:
http://www.kosherjudaism.org/forum/link.php?url=http://www.aish.com/movies/jphone.asp

[Skeeterbug]

The Jewish Parrot

Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancy Street one day wishing something wonderful would happen in his life, when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish, "Quawwwwk...vus machts du?" (How're ya doin') "

Yeah, du." (Yeah, you.)

Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. Couldn't believe it. Perfect Yiddish.

The proprietor urged him, "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot..." Meyer did. An African Grey thingyed his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst sprechen Yiddish?" (What? Can you speak Yiddish?)

In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot. In Yiddish.

He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his late wife, Sarah, was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his years of working in the garment district. About Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how lonely he would get on the weekends. They both went to sleep.

Next morning, Meyer began to put on his Tfillin, all the while saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to do the same. Meyer went out and had a miniature set of tfillin hand made for the parrot.

The parrot wanted to learn to daven (pray), and learned every prayer. He even wanted to learn to read Hebrew. So Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and fellow Jew.

One morning, on Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul was not a place for a bird, but the parrot made a terrific argument, so Meyer relented and carried the bird to Shul (Synagogue) on his shoulder.

Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and the Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days, but Meyer persuaded them to let him in this one time, swearing that the parrot could daven (Pray).

Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc.

All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!" Nothing. "Daven...parrot, you can daven, so daven...come on, everyone is looking at you!"

Nothing.

After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars..

He marched home, so upset he said nothing to the parrot. Finally several blocks from the Temple the Parrot began to sing an old Yiddish song, as happy as a lark. Meyer stopped and looked at him.

"Why? After I had tfillin made for you and taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashana, why? WHY?!? Why did you do this to me?"

"Meyer, don't be a meshuggener, (crazy fool)" the parrot replied. "Think of the odds we'll get on Yom Kippur!"

[HaReb]

Minister, Priest and Rabbi - all out getting drunk in the local bar.

As they debated their various traditions a wager was made - the one who could make the local bear a member of his congregation would be the winner.

The Priest goes first. He staggers to the park and finds the bear standing by the lake, gives him a shove, jumps in and blesses the bear. He returns to the bar soaking wet but claiming victory.

The Minister goes next. He, too, staggers to the park and finds the bear almost asleep. He grabs the bear's head and, after some struggle, he makes the sign of the cross on the bear's forehead. Rather dishevelled, bruised and cut a bit, he staggers back to the bar and he claims victory.

The Rabbi is next out. He staggers to the park and finds the bear waiting for him. Anyway, to cut a long story short, the Rabbi staggers back to the bar. One arm broken, black eyes, teeth missing, filthy dirty with bruises and cuts everywhere.

In amazement the Priest and the Minister ask what happened - they couldn't understand why their friend should be in such a state. What went wrong, they asked. "Oh well", said the Rabbi, shrugging his shoulders, and clenching his teeth through the pain, "maybe circumcision was not the best thing to do".

[Rep Daddy]

http://www.drstevej.com/nag.jpg

[ChavaK]

http://www.drstevej.com/nag.jpg

LOL! Love the photo too!

[HaReb]

Duplicate post -again! It seemed to get lost and then appeared after I had re-done the following!

[HaReb]

LOL! Love the photo too!



Yeah, I can see what he means :D :D :D

[ChavaK]

Yeah, I can see what he means :D :D :D

I just noticed it appears that there are Christmas ornaments
(bells) hanging on the fireplace behind the couple.
They must be really assimilated! ;)

[HaReb]

I've been wondering what it is he has stuck in his jacket - looks like a book but... any suggestions, in the light of the storyline?

[Ivy]

I just noticed it appears that there are Christmas ornaments
(bells) hanging on the fireplace behind the couple.
They must be really assimilated! ;)

Oh I thought they were birthday decorations or something, being pink....like for a little girl's birthday party maybe. :pink:

[visionary]

https://zone.artizans.com/images/previews/CRO1344.300.jpgObama commanding the waves...Ohh... that's right .. He is not Jewish.

[HaReb]

Moshe Obama - certainly has a good 'ring' to it!

[johnd]

edited just in case it might offend :)

[Lulav]

I just noticed it appears that there are Christmas ornaments
(bells) hanging on the fireplace behind the couple.
They must be really assimilated! ;)

1. Nothing in the article says they were Jewish. ;)

2. Those bells look like the paper bells you buy to hang around a room to decorate for an anniversary, and by the looks of them, all dressed up and made to sit for a picture, that is what it is , an anniversary, probably a 50th or 60th.

:)

[ChavaK]

1. Nothing in the article says they were Jewish.


If the joke is in the Jewish humor tread, then of course
they have to be Jews! ;):D

[visionary]

Saddam Hussein phoned President George W. Bush. "I had a dream about the United States," he said. "I could see the whole country, and over every building and home was a banner," said Saddam. "What was on the banner?" asked President Bush. "LONG LIVE SADDAM!" answered the dictator.

"I'm so glad that you called," said President Bush, "because I too had a dream. In my dream, I saw Iraq and it was more beautiful than ever; totally rebuilt with many tall, gleaming office buildings, large residential subdivisions with swimming pools in every yard; and over every building and home was a big, beautiful banner." "What did the banner say?" asked Saddam. "I don't know," answered President Bush, "I can't read Hebrew."

[Lulav]

Saddam Hussein phoned President George W. Bush. "I had a dream about the United States," he said. "I could see the whole country, and over every building and home was a banner," said Saddam. "What was on the banner?" asked President Bush. "LONG LIVE SADDAM!" answered the dictator.

"I'm so glad that you called," said President Bush, "because I too had a dream. In my dream, I saw Iraq and it was more beautiful than ever; totally rebuilt with many tall, gleaming office buildings, large residential subdivisions with swimming pools in every yard; and over every building and home was a big, beautiful banner." "What did the banner say?" asked Saddam. "I don't know," answered President Bush, "I can't read Hebrew."^_^

[johnd]

edited: love never fails.

[johnd]

edited because shalom prevailed

[ChavaK]

I've been wondering what it is he has stuck in his jacket - looks like a book but... any suggestions, in the light of the storyline?

Probably his checkbook so he can pay the 5 grand to
ship his wife home :D

[visionary]

It is better to keep personal comments off the thread.

[Lulav]

Probably his checkbook so he can pay the 5 grand to
ship his wife home :D^_^^_^

[HaReb]

:clap: There's that gorgeous lady, again!:clap:

[Wags]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mYq61BOacd0

[ChavaK]

What's the difference between an Israeli and an Israelite?



The Israelite has 1/3 fewer calories.

[Lulav]

cute one! :D

[johnd]

:clap: There's that gorgeous lady, again!:clap:

Talking about the one with the hat?

Is that Visionary? Or just a model?

Why am I reminded of the Monty Python Holy Grail line... "it's just a model....
shhhh"
LOL

[johnd]

T- 6 hours and counting!!!!

Qvestyon....

Does the moon look not so full???

Thought it had to be full for Sameach

[johnd]

Of course the rabbinical answer in the truest ironical form would be...

So the moon is not cooperating... Happy Passover anyway!!!!!!!!

[johnd]

Why am I thinking Pink Floyd now? (http://membres.lycos.fr/yanu/media/webcam/moon.htm)

This is updated every 18 seconds and looks pretty full to me.

It just really did not look so full this morning before it set...

[Torah613]

bump. things are too serious round these parts. We need a bit of levening in our lives bout now me thinks.

[ChavaK]

bump. things are too serious round these parts. We need a bit of levening in our lives bout now me thinks.

Ger posted this at the KJ thread.
It's isn't humor, but it is great fun.
Gotta love Chabad!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lss5Tz02fcI

[Torah613]

With that all i can say is "Is there a canopy in store for me?" ;)

Yochanan

[ChavaK]

With that all i can say is "Is there a canopy in store for me?" ;)

Yochanan

Soon by you!

I was wondering if the bottles were full, as an incentive not
to drop and break them? Whatta waste of l'chaims that would
have been!

[Torah613]

lol