Living alone

[RadMan]

I've noticed that some women that are widowed, divorced or just plain single get to a point in their lives that they would rather just stay single. Most of my male friends are married so I don't have any way to correlate their opinions with unmarried people. Maybe single men are just as satisfied. I don't know. The single guys I do know all seem to looking for a partner. Not so much the women.

Anyway, back to the women. Is it just my perception that women are more able to live alone than men? Do some women absorb themselves in their children.s lives and men leave the kids to their own devices? Does that make men more distant and make them feel more alone? Do women get involved in work or activities more? DO they have more crafts/hobbies? Women seem more satisfied with their existence than men.

My life has slowed down since my X left me last year this week. Also being disabled, things take more time to do. I try and keep active, somewhat, but life just seems empty. Maybe I'm not seeing things as they are but I would like to know how women can survive/exist being alone.

I know I'm making a lot of assumptions, and rambling here, but I can only see it from my perspective. Maybe someone could enlighten me.

[Jim47]

Interesting thoughts and I'm sure sonewhat true. One of my friendsfrom church lost his wife from cancer about 12 years ago. He has remained single and although I know he misses his wife seems to be happy. He still works teaching at a local trades college and he is quite busy with the church and visits a lot of people.

Perhaps I am wrong, but I think the feelings of lonelyness are more profound in man, and man was made to be more dependant on a relationship with his wife and that is why God made a helper for Adam.

[DaRev]

Living and being alone stinks to high heaven!
My wife left nearly 20 years ago and I relegated myself to raising my children above my own needs. I had enough to keep myself occupied so that the lack of personal companionship wasn't that much of an issue. Over time I had grown accustomed to the lifestyle that I had been thrust into and really didn't think all that much about it.
Then one day the Lord introduced to me someone beautiful and wonderful, but for whatever reason He seems to be holding her just outside my reach. I don't understand it at all and it's quite frustrating. But He has His reasons, I'm sure. A clue would be nice, though.
But consider this. Remember that the woman was created from the rib of the man. The woman, in and of herself, is complete by herself. The man, on the other hand, is incomplete in and of himself. He is made complete by his wife. This nature of men and women quite possibly explains why women seem to be satisfied to remain alone, while men are not.

[RadMan]

Living and being alone stinks to high heaven!
My wife left nearly 20 years ago and I relegated myself to raising my children above my own needs. I had enough to keep myself occupied so that the lack of personal companionship wasn't that much of an issue. Over time I had grown accustomed to the lifestyle that I had been thrust into and really didn't think all that much about it.
Then one day the Lord introduced to me someone beautiful and wonderful, but for whatever reason He seems to be holding her just outside my reach. I don't understand it at all and it's quite frustrating. But He has His reasons, I'm sure. A clue would be nice, though.
But consider this. Remember that the woman was created from the rib of the man. The woman, in and of herself, is complete by herself. The man, on the other hand, is incomplete in and of himself. He is made complete by his wife. This nature of men and women quite possibly explains why women seem to be satisfied to remain alone, while men are not.hmmm........interesting observation. So the verse here is not just for a help meet but a completion of man. Being as one
Genesis 2:18 (http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=1&chapter=2&verse=18&version=9&context=verse)
And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.

[LilLamb219]

Many years ago I used to take the train in to Chicago to work and I met some awesome ladies that I would sit with regularly. One lady was in her 50s and single and proclaimed she had no desire to ever marry again. She loved having boyfriends, but she wanted to just go home and be alone to whatever she wanted after a date. She kiddingly (or not) said, she loved it that in the privacy of her home that if she wanted to sit and watch tv and pick her nose that she could and didn't have to worry about a man walking in and finding her disgusting.

[DaRev]

hmmm........interesting observation. So the verse here is not just for a help meet but a completion of man. Being as one
Genesis 2:18 (http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=1&chapter=2&verse=18&version=9&context=verse)
And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.

The continuation of the passage is in Genesis 2:24, "For this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh." It is the man who leaves his parents to cleave to his wife. Paul picks up on this in Ephesians 5:28-29, "So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church."

[SobriaInebrietas]

All interesting answers so far! I would add: Because men drive us crazy!

:D

Not really... Well, I couldn't imagine life without my husband, but sometimes it is a relief to not have him around - at least in the house - for a while. I mean, when your life revolves around cooking and cleaning and working at whatever else it is you do as an individual (work, homemaker, etc.), not to mention kids if you have them (unless you count the antics of a messy high-maintainance spouse!), life can get pretty hectic. There isn't really time to lazy about and relax, and engage in personal hobbies. Being alone - at least for me - can bring much needed relief from these stresses and give me time to do some of those things that I like and not have to worry about offending anybody or looking like I am slacking off.

Anyway, it may be nice sometimes, but I know if I get too much of it I start to get really depressed, kind of lost in my own little world, lazy about housework... I think it is better to have a man around to impress with all that hard work! Not only that, but the the benefits of marraige are just too many and too great to ignore! I know I just couldn't do it, but maybe it just depends on the woman...

I don't know... Just my two cents.

:)

[PreachersWife2004]

Rad, I spent ten years playing a single mom, and the whole time I was looking for a husband. I had no desire to be alone, and I knew it was God's plan for me to be married.

Course, now I'm not so sure about that!! ^_^ Just kidding!!

I think that now if my husband died, I probably wouldn't have that same desire. I don't think I'd want to be alone, but with four kids that's not going to really be an issue any time soon.

Some of the people that I know who are widowers/widows just can't imagine themselves with anyone else anymore and have no desire to be with someone else. Some of them, like I did, yearn for companionship and want to get married again.

For me, I can't fathom how anyone would want to be left alone, but there are plenty of people out there who are like that.

Now, with my husband, I can come home, put my feet up on the dinner table and pick my nose and he's not going to even blink!! ;)

[porterross]

From my perspective, it's because we are natural caretakers and expected to be the multi-taskers in the house whenever someone else is inhabiting it with us. When we live alone we have to tend to no one but ourselves and what a welcome break that is! :D

As for being wrapped up in our kids, that is definitely true, but when my daughter is gone, I know I'll be terribly lonely. Until that happens, my daily existence is pretty full emotionally and I can see someone else being potential competition for the life-balance that she and I have eased into over the last 9 years.

Anyone coming into our existence would have to do so effortlessly and naturally and her interaction with someone is just as important as mine. I believe more women think about that more than men do, so it's less stressful to keep the home in balance while kids are there. By the time the kids leave, most women are enjoying their freedom and/or are at an age where the men are seeking younger women and it's not worth the aggravation.

Bottom line, as much as growing old alone wouldn't be my first choice, it wouldn't keep from doing the things I want to do and I wouldn't be depressed about it. I truly enjoy solitude more than most normal people. ;)

[ctay]

It may also be the situation they were in when they were married. They may be afraid they would pick out the same type of person.

[RadMan]

From my perspective, it's because we are natural caretakers and expected to be the multi-taskers in the house whenever someone else is inhabiting it with us. When we live alone we have to tend to no one but ourselves and what a welcome break that is! :D

As for being wrapped up in our kids, that is definitely true, but when my daughter is gone, I know I'll be terribly lonely. Until that happens, my daily existence is pretty full emotionally and I can see someone else being potential competition for the life-balance that she and I have eased into over the last 9 years.

Anyone coming into our existence would have to do so effortlessly and naturally and her interaction with someone is just as important as mine. I believe more women think about that more than men do, so it's less stressful to keep the home in balance while kids are there. By the time the kids leave, most women are enjoying their freedom and/or are at an age where the men are seeking younger women and it's not worth the aggravation.

Bottom line, as much as growing old alone wouldn't be my first choice, it wouldn't keep from doing the things I want to do and I wouldn't be depressed about it. I truly enjoy solitude more than most normal people. ;)

It may also be the situation they were in when they were married. They may be afraid they would pick out the same type of person.

It almost makes me think you are both saying the same thing. Someone came in and disturbed a balance, radically. And what woman would want to do that without reservations. Men on the other hand enter new relationships like an alcoholic does. More interested in a new "love" than in what dangers to avoid in the new relationship and repeating old mistakes. Most men don't fear danger and aren't afraid to interfere with a "balance" like you mentioned PR. We bull ahead and sometimes don't recognize the implications of possibly making a wrong choice.

Women being caretakers recognize the need for harmony and balance for a peaceful existence. Guys usually aren't sensitive to thosse things.

Guys looking for younger women. I guess it shows how shallow we can be. Not recognizing that a younger lady might not have the same interests as us. Many of us are looking for a trophy and can't see beyond that into the person themselves. I think we make decisions more on testosterone than what is really inside. I know I'm guilty of that. All my boys where the same way. They married beautiful women but the gals were either immature are totally screwed up. My last X was like that. I don't know what private devil she was wrestling with. I even saw the signs and ignored them. Most of us guys are programed from youth to notice the superficial and not see inside the person. We're glandular. At least I am. I'm entering a relationship with a lady that is like that. She's strong and controlling and has baggage but really looks great in Levis, cowboy boots and long hair. Am I using my head. Yea---the wrong one. And I thought at my age that I had matured in my choices. Not really. :doh::sigh:

These are not blanket statements for all men but there are a lot of men out there like this.

[filosofer]

I truly enjoy solitude more than most normal people.

But crazy people you would really, really enjoy!! :D ^_^





One other factor is that many times after the death of a spouse or divorce, the person begins to date too soon, and to get married too soon. There is a period of grieving that is necessary, but can be stifled if re-married too soon. When pre-marital counseling people, I encourage them to wait at least two years. If not, they tend to marry the exact person whom they just divorced.

[DaRev]

This is an interesting discussion.

I find that women tend to paint all men with a very broad brush and that is not exactly fair. When we are younger, I agree that we all tend to think the same way. But life has a way of making some of us much wiser while at the same time making some dumber than sticks. Life experiences go a long way in one's maturity or lack thereof.

There is a major difference among men who have had children and those who have not. There is a major difference between men who, after a divorce or seperation, have had a hand in raising their children and those who have not. And I would say that there is a major difference between men who have raised their children alone and those who have not. There is a very broad range of maturity and experiences involved, and to swipe all of us with such a wide brush is not only unfair but extremely inaccurate.

I also feel that in cases where a woman has children, they need to be considered as a unit. Her children are her life. They are part of who she is. To ignore that part is to ignore a major part of her, and that does not make for any kind of relationship. I have seen cases where a single mom marries someone who isn't necessarily accepting of her children. Everyone suffers is a situation like that. A man who courts a single mom must realize that she is not alone. There are a number of considerations that must be made. And above all, the man must be able to accept and love her children as his own, otherwise such a relationship is doomed from the start.

[jcj3803]

From my perspective, it's because we are natural caretakers and expected to be the multi-taskers in the house whenever someone else is inhabiting it with us. When we live alone we have to tend to no one but ourselves and what a welcome break that is!


I have heard this from other older, divorced women. They have no longterm need for a husband or serious boyfriend. They have their children and grandchildren, female friends, and are usually financially independent. Morality aside, if they want sex it's pretty easy to find an obliging male. OTOH, if you look at any of the online dating sites, there are a lot of older women looking for ... something... out there.

"The fickleness of the women I love is matched only by the damnable constancy of those who love me."

[SobriaInebrietas]

Women do indeed tend to paint men with broad brushstrokes. Maybe this is an extension of past hurts and experiences: As women have a natural instinct to strive for balance and harmony, having traumatic experience, or even an unpleasant one, can push this automatic instinct into overdrive creating and intense desire to control her own life and dominate over men - even her own husband. Painting a man with broad brushstrokes makes it easier to control him (at least in her own mind) and make sense of the things that he does that offend her emotionally, which allows her to retain some sort of dignity/pride which is safety for a woman who fears that men do not truly love her.

Not that any of this is a good thing. A mature and Godly woman will realize that it is a mistake to do this, because ultimately she will find that submitting herself -both to God, her husband- will allow her the perspective that she needs to see that she has nothing to fear, and ultimately more freedom in surrendering herself to a man who truly loves her (no matter his imperfections or weaknesses).

[filosofer]

Until I was in my mid 50's I always assumed that if my wife were to die, I would most likely get married again.

But now that I have grown up (at least chronologically ^_^) ... probably not.

[LilLamb219]

Well, if something happened to my husband, I'd definitely want to remarry! I'd probably be one of those that filo warns about...the one who remarries too soon. Maybe it's because I enjoy being a wife and homemaker? I dunno.

[porterross]

But crazy people you would really, really enjoy!! :D ^_^

Well, they usually have a good time no matter what. :P





One other factor is that many times after the death of a spouse or divorce, the person begins to date too soon, and to get married too soon. There is a period of grieving that is necessary, but can be stifled if re-married too soon. When pre-marital counseling people, I encourage them to wait at least two years. If not, they tend to marry the exact person whom they just divorced.


Amen, amen, AMEN!!!! Preach it, Filo.

That is EXACTLY why I've waited so long to even think I might be getting close to knowing what I need from someone else AND how to be a good marital partner. I learned a great deal from watching other, successful couples who have weathered the storms and still liked both hanging out together and had a great deal of respect for one another. :thumbsup:

[Jim47]

Well, if something happened to my husband, I'd definitely want to remarry! I'd probably be one of those that filo warns about...the one who remarries too soon. Maybe it's because I enjoy being a wife and homemaker? I dunno.


I think some people just don't like being alone all that much? I know I'm that way, and the older I get the more I'm that way.

[RadMan]

Well actually I like being alone. I just don't like being without a mate. Probably doesn't make much sense but I have a lot of things to keep me busy. I just don't have anybody to share experiences with.

[PreachersWife2004]

There is a big difference between being alone and being lonely. I wrote the book on it!

I have my alone time, even though I am married. But I am never lonely now.

:hug:

[porterross]

Well actually I like being alone. I just don't like being without a mate. Probably doesn't make much sense but I have a lot of things to keep me busy. I just don't have anybody to share experiences with.
That I understand. Finding someone to respect your space and need to be busy without them is the challenge. If you can spend several hours in the same house with someone, go about your business, not be under each other's feet and not need to speak to be happy sharing the same space is rare and probably what I need, if it exists.

[DaRev]

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[LilLamb219]

You must have a rather large notebook filled with notes by now, Rev ;)

[filosofer]

Well, if something happened to my husband, I'd definitely want to remarry! I'd probably be one of those that filo warns about...the one who remarries too soon. Maybe it's because I enjoy being a wife and homemaker? I dunno.

The more I think about this, I might consider remarriage, but it would have to involve some very specific concerns, etc...

I guess that is why I might not ;)

[DaSeminarian]

Interestingly enough studies have been done on remarriage after the death of a spouse. Men are more apt to be remarried than women. I think the underlying reason is because they don't know how to do the things their wife did for them while they lived and now that they have to do it they don't like it and don't do very well with it either.

Women on the other hand unless they are young and have no education with which to get a job will not remarry right away. Also if she is young and has children she will often be a repellant to available men. Many men do not want an instant family.

The other worry for women remarrying is that they will compare the second husband to the first, but only to the firsts good traits not his poor ones. This can often hurt a second marriage ending in divorce.

My mom survived my dad and he has now been gone almost 19 years. She has not desired to remarry (though she has had a couple of men who might have been interested). He was the love of her life and she is too busy with other things now that to get involved would mess that all up.

[DaRev]

.

[CaliforniaJosiah]

Just MY very untheological rambles....


1. I'm ALONE for the first time in my life, since mid summer. My "significant other" and I of nearly 3 years parted the day before we planned to "seal the deal" and become officially engaged. Almost 6 months later, I'm still grieving - even though it was I that "terminated" things (I'm still making payments on the ring, LOL). And I live alone for the first time in my life - I have this one bedroom, one bath house just to me and my rabbit. I can wander about in my birthday suit and the place stays clean, but other than that - it has no advantages.


2. I think that SOME people just have a huge capacity or need to love (there is a huge difference there - and I'm not sure which applies to me - maybe both). I've always been blessed with lots of friends - as I am now - and family is not far away. But as God said, "It is not good that man is all alone." He knew what He was talking about there....


3. I've never had a lack of girls in my life (no boasting or whatever, it's just true) and I'm very confident there are several "possibilities" now. For a couple of years in my mid-teens, I PURPOSELY didn't date and PURPOSELY evaded all relationships - I just couldn't handle it and I just decided not to "go there." It was hard. Then one came along that caused me to forget all about that absolute promise I had made to myself. Now, I'm the same. I'm not "finished" yet, I"m still grieving, I've got a lot of personal issues in my life. I just can't "deal" with all that right now, I'm not in a position to totally give to another - I have my "own stuff" I still to deal with and resolve before I can do that - as much as I ache for that.


4. I'm almost 20, but I HAVE noticed that guys (whether they are teens or in their 80's) just seem to have more "trouble" being alone. We may be the most hesitant to bond, but also to break that - and once we do, we seem the most "lost." It's the same with old people. Widows seem to move on and live a more happy, productive life. Widowers often seem lost....


But then, what do I know? :sigh:




- Josiah





.

[filosofer]

Sounds like you are learning.





And some of us "old folks" are okay with either situation, eh? ^_^

[RadMan]

Josiah. I don't know about you but in my case I had an unloving mother who tried to raise a cohesive, professional family. Back in the 50's you had to make a family look successful. Her procedure was totally off the wall and unloving.

One thing I'll always remember. She taught me how to dance with whatever she could get her hands on. Spoons, rulers, hangers, switches. etc. I would dance around the room with her holding on to my arm while she drew welts and blood. She broke many an implement of my backside and back of my legs.

She was also the queen of guilt trips. She would never say she loved us kids. She was stern because dad was just the opposite. I know that's why I am indifferent to her memory to this day.

Anyway----I'm assuming that's why I look for a lot of attention from a mate. Some ladies don't care for that. Oh well.:sigh:

[porterross]

Working on volume 2. :P


And how will you know which note applies to what situation? Women are not machines. :doh:

[DaSeminarian]

And how will you know which note applies to what situation? Women are not machines. :doh:


Quite frankly, I don't think your comment is fair. He is not intimating that he thinks they are machines. He is taking notes as to what it is that certain women want in a relationship. Whether one specific note fits a situation or not is beside the point. Give him a break. He is a big boy and he will figure it out sooner or later. I just hope his ship has not sailed past him.

[filosofer]

Quite frankly, I don't think your comment is fair. He is not intimating that he thinks they are machines. He is taking notes as to what it is that certain women want in a relationship. Whether one specific note fits a situation or not is beside the point. Give him a break. He is a big boy and he will figure it out sooner or later. I just hope his ship has not sailed past him.

You are braver (or...) than I. I wouldn't touch this conversation for anything.

'tis a general forum. ^_^

[DaSeminarian]

You are braver (or...) than I. I wouldn't touch this conversation for anything.

'tis a general forum. ^_^




Maybe so, but I called it as I saw it.

[DaRev]

.

[DaSeminarian]

Where did that come from? :scratch:


Must have been watching "The Stepford Wives" movie on TV. Only place where I can figure she would have gotten the idea that we want a machine for a wife. ;)

[porterross]

Quite frankly, I don't think your comment is fair. He is not intimating that he thinks they are machines. He is taking notes as to what it is that certain women want in a relationship. Whether one specific note fits a situation or not is beside the point. Give him a break. He is a big boy and he will figure it out sooner or later. I just hope his ship has not sailed past him.



You are braver (or...) than I. I wouldn't touch this conversation for anything.

'tis a general forum. ^_^



Where did that come from? :scratch:

Must have been watching "The Stepford Wives" movie on TV. Only place where I can figure she would have gotten the idea that we want a machine for a wife. ;)


I don't think any woman wants to be made feel as though she is a project to be completed or that she can be manipulated to be what a man wants if only he can use her own nature against her to get what he wants from her. The implication of it is more than a little offensive.

Filo is wise beyond his years on subjects other than theology. Gentility and temperance are admirable qualities.

[DaRev]

.

[PreachersWife2004]

These days, I don't blame guys for taking notes one bit. We women are wishy washy, emotional and hormonal. What rules govern one day may indeed change the next. Men need to know the why of that, as well as the when and how and the who.

But...I also don't know the instrinsic details of Rev's and PR's relationship. I only know what I see here, which is enough for me to know that these are two people who are very close, who have a relationship that is strong, and who will have their quibbles like any other normal "couple" (um, of course, that's based on the assumption that you two are normal...I could be wrong about that part!!) There is probably a bit more to this little discussion that meets the eye...

So I'm gonna MYOB (as my son is now into saying) and hope that these two wonderful people find a way to get married and live with each other.

Er...did I just say that out loud? :doh:

[RadMan]

I've dated a few ladies that must have law degrees. I get cross examined and put on the defensive. Everything I say has to have a reason or I get a rebuttal. Then what I say is dissected with a critical eye. Life's too short to have such stress.

I don't want a stepford wife but I sure don't want a lawyer. Maybe a Christian Geisha.......OOPS! I started that once before and never heard the end of it. Never mind.

[porterross]

These days, I don't blame guys for taking notes one bit. We women are wishy washy, emotional and hormonal. What rules govern one day may indeed change the next. Men need to know the why of that, as well as the when and how and the who.



I assure you that I am not wishy-washy, emotional without cause or hormonal. :| My analytical nature confounds a lot of people, especially men, but that is how God made me. I don't know what notes need be taken about that.

The more a man goes out of his way to try to get a woman's attention by being someone other than himself, the more likely there is to be a disastrous outcome. Just be yourself and trust that God will help you find a partner who appreciates your qualities as much as you appreciate theirs. It's when we get antsy and try to force things not in His plan that the process goes awry.

[DaSeminarian]

I don't think any woman wants to be made feel as though she is a project to be completed or that she can be manipulated to be what a man wants if only he can use her own nature against her to get what he wants from her. The implication of it is more than a little offensive.

Filo is wise beyond his years on subjects other than theology. Gentility and temperance are admirable qualities.


And I never indicated that I felt otherwise. I thought your comment was unfair to DaRev that is all. His comment was that he was taking notes which for a guy is a good thing. At least he will not be clueless.

By the same token, I think there are women out there who want to make men their projects and my mother was one of those people however, she had a long fight ahead of her because my dad was a stubborn German who was not going to let her do it so easily. In fact it took more than 10 years before she finally relaxed and realized that she wasn't going to get her way. When she relaxed then so did he and she found him to be more cooperative. She has been alone now for almost 19 years since he passed away.

Scott