struggling with forgivness

[Redheadedstepchild]

I've been going back and forth over whether or not to start this thread, but I'm clearly struggling and I could use your help.

There is a girl at work with very low self-esteem who thrives on drama and needs to tear other people down in order to build herself up. Several times she has said or done things that were harmful to me in one way or another. She is actually someone I like, when I can get past her baggage. However, I have really had to work hard at forgiving her. I know she's sorry for the things she does, though she never really acknowledges that what she does is wrong.

It's been pointed out to her by others that she needs to stop doing what she's doing, but she continues. And I'm finding it harder and harder to be around her without being really short with her. I guess I'm overly sensitive at this point, but what that tells me is although I've been able to forgive her in the past I'm struggling with it now. Worse yet, her behavior is self-destructive and eventually I am sure it will come back on her...I don't actually want to see her get hurt but I'm not feeling very sympathetic.

Anyway, I know my reaction to her is not one of love and I'm bothered that I can't seem to get past this like I should. Ideas?

[JAS4Yeshua]

With some people, our flesh just seems to get in the way. Whether it is because of something they do (such as your case) or whether it is just someone who "rubs us wrong" it is hard to get past our flesh at times.

Here are some steps that will help.

Pray. You know that you can't do it in your felsh. None of us can. Ask God to help you forgive her. Give the entire situation, the good and the bad over to him. Ask Him to take it all, and try not to hold onto any of it.

Go to her and actually tell her that you are sory for your attitude. Tell her how you've been feeling, and ask for her forgiveness. Let the Holy Spirit work through you in the situation. If she's not a believer, this might be an opportunity to share God's love to her.

No matter how she reacts, if there is something you haven't forgiven her for, forgive her for it at that moment. If she reacts poorly, forgive her for that as well. Once you do forgive her, give it back to God. While it is impossible for us to forget, it is possible for God to help you push it away almost as if it were forgotten.

So, pray from the start, and pray to the finish. In all things pray, and give it to God. We'll still struggle with the flesh, but that is why every moment we need to keep turning to God.

I hope this helps, and maybe someone else might have more ideas for you. :)

[zaksmummy]

She sounds like the kind of people I work with - people with personality problems.

I'm afraid that she doesnt need sympathy, she needs boundaries, of what is and is not acceptable behaviour. And you need to try and get you co-workers to be doing the same as you.

I know that this does help much with the forgiveness aspect, at work we try not to get involved in the emotional stuff, which again is easier said than done. Is there someone else who you can talk to vent your feelings. I dont mean gossip, I mean have a constructive discussion of how you feel about her behaviour, with the intention of coming to a resolution?

Hope this helps

Catrin xx

[Redheadedstepchild]

With some people, our flesh just seems to get in the way. Whether it is because of something they do (such as your case) or whether it is just someone who "rubs us wrong" it is hard to get past our flesh at times.

Here are some steps that will help.

Pray. You know that you can't do it in your felsh. None of us can. Ask God to help you forgive her. Give the entire situation, the good and the bad over to him. Ask Him to take it all, and try not to hold onto any of it.

Go to her and actually tell her that you are sory for your attitude. Tell her how you've been feeling, and ask for her forgiveness. Let the Holy Spirit work through you in the situation. If she's not a believer, this might be an opportunity to share God's love to her.

No matter how she reacts, if there is something you haven't forgiven her for, forgive her for it at that moment. If she reacts poorly, forgive her for that as well. Once you do forgive her, give it back to God. While it is impossible for us to forget, it is possible for God to help you push it away almost as if it were forgotten.

So, pray from the start, and pray to the finish. In all things pray, and give it to God. We'll still struggle with the flesh, but that is why every moment we need to keep turning to God.

I hope this helps, and maybe someone else might have more ideas for you. :)


You are so right. I've been praying about this a good bit already, but I know I need to do better. Sometimes letting go is difficult for me (no control issues here!). It also occured to me today that I needed to apologize to her for my behavior. I'll let you know how this goes.

[Redheadedstepchild]

She sounds like the kind of people I work with - people with personality problems.

I'm afraid that she doesnt need sympathy, she needs boundaries, of what is and is not acceptable behaviour. And you need to try and get you co-workers to be doing the same as you.

I know that this does help much with the forgiveness aspect, at work we try not to get involved in the emotional stuff, which again is easier said than done. Is there someone else who you can talk to vent your feelings. I dont mean gossip, I mean have a constructive discussion of how you feel about her behaviour, with the intention of coming to a resolution?

Hope this helps

Catrin xx

You are right, she does need boundaries. Part of the problem is that she is very manipulative and not everyone sees what I see (or believes it when they do see it). I think people are afraid to really address the behavior because they don't want the confrontation....so usually I just deal with it and try to make the best of things. This is probably why the situation is the way it is now - things have built up so much that it's getting harder for me to ignore.

I do have a good friend at work who also happens to be a pastor. In the past I could go to him just to talk, but we haven't had time to connect recently. And, although he is a good listener he's really not in a position to help me get to a resolution. I'm a little concerned about taking this to my principal (I'm a teacher) because it's such petty stuff and honestly I don't want to bother her with it if I don't have to.

Thank you for your thoughts!

[Redheadedstepchild]

An update...

First thing this morning I appologized to my co-worker for being short with her. I didn't mention the things that have gone on or my forgiving her...timing wasn't right...but at least I'm being accountable. Maybe that will help me let go of a few things.

[JAS4Yeshua]

Thanks for the update. Praying for you and the situation.

[Redheadedstepchild]

Thank you. I appreciate that. :)

[Deba]

I read this post yesterday, but couldn't offer anything meaningful. Today during my QT while reading 2Cor2:8-11, I thought of you. I'm not putting the scripture here, so you can read it another time.

May I add that I think she is gift from God for you. The only way you may not have to face her (or someone similiar) over and over again is to let the Lord take you through. When 'gifts' like her come my way, I know that God is telling me it's time. He is helping me to look inside my own heart, my own personality to see why I have such a response so that He can heal me in that area. Don't know that such is your case, but for me it always is.

[bithiah2]

I've been going back and forth over whether or not to start this thread, but I'm clearly struggling and I could use your help.

There is a girl at work with very low self-esteem who thrives on drama and needs to tear other people down in order to build herself up. Several times she has said or done things that were harmful to me in one way or another. She is actually someone I like, when I can get past her baggage. However, I have really had to work hard at forgiving her. I know she's sorry for the things she does, though she never really acknowledges that what she does is wrong.

It's been pointed out to her by others that she needs to stop doing what she's doing, but she continues. And I'm finding it harder and harder to be around her without being really short with her. I guess I'm overly sensitive at this point, but what that tells me is although I've been able to forgive her in the past I'm struggling with it now. Worse yet, her behavior is self-destructive and eventually I am sure it will come back on her...I don't actually want to see her get hurt but I'm not feeling very sympathetic.

Anyway, I know my reaction to her is not one of love and I'm bothered that I can't seem to get past this like I should. Ideas?

she sounds like one of my cousins...where is this place?:idea:
anyway we are all human, within our own selves there is just so much we can take. i prayed for my cousin again this morning, that's all i can do.
i think that we have to try to identify with where the other person is, then their behaviour won't bother us as much. it does not make them right, but it keeps us from being hindered. i am only saying this because it is what i have to do TODAY. that way it does not hinder my life or my relationship with God, and it keeps the other person in their place. that way i can pray for them. maybe at some point you will be able to let her know how her actions affect you.
blessings
bithiah2

[Redheadedstepchild]

I read this post yesterday, but couldn't offer anything meaningful. Today during my QT while reading 2Cor2:8-11, I thought of you. I'm not putting the scripture here, so you can read it another time.

May I add that I think she is gift from God for you. The only way you may not have to face her (or someone similiar) over and over again is to let the Lord take you through. When 'gifts' like her come my way, I know that God is telling me it's time. He is helping me to look inside my own heart, my own personality to see why I have such a response so that He can heal me in that area. Don't know that such is your case, but for me it always is.
She's definetely been a gift to me, in ways that I would have never expected. In a weird kind of way she's the reason I'm back in church. Her behavior last year caused a bit of a crisis in my life...and due to a weird turn of events I became friends with a co-worker (the pastor I mentioned earlier). I can totally accept that there's more work here to be done. Ty for the reminder!

[Redheadedstepchild]

she sounds like one of my cousins...where is this place?:idea:
anyway we are all human, within our own selves there is just so much we can take. i prayed for my cousin again this morning, that's all i can do.
i think that we have to try to identify with where the other person is, then their behaviour won't bother us as much. it does not make them right, but it keeps us from being hindered. i am only saying this because it is what i have to do TODAY. that way it does not hinder my life or my relationship with God, and it keeps the other person in their place. that way i can pray for them. maybe at some point you will be able to let her know how her actions affect you.
blessings
bithiah2
In thinking about this...I'm reminded about how Christians are suposed to help each other refrain from sin. At some point I do need to be able to talk to her about how her actions hurt others - me in particular - and also how SHE is hurt by them. But, it needs to come from love and not any kind of selfish desire to *get* her, kwim? I hope I'm in a place spiritually one day where I can do this...I'm not there yet.

[Godslilgurlalways]

I wish you could have seen this episode I saw last night by joel osteen it was about being quick to forgive.