So what would you do?

[Guineverelyndy]

So what would you do if you found out that the person you had just broken up with about a month ago had either cheated on you in some way, shape or form or was lying throughout your entire relationship (or both) and that with one sentence said to the right person you could probably ruin his life forever?

I'll tell you what I'd do - I'd sit at my desk and work and pray really hard that God would keep me from doing something really stupid. And I'd ask for some crazy intense prayer from others as well.

God help me.

[Mary of Bethany]

I'm sorry.

Prayers.



Mary

[kamikat]

Pray really hard that you can forgive him and let it go. Since you are now broken up, he can't hurt you anymore. It's all in the past.

[Matrona]

One question... is the sentence true?

[Guineverelyndy]

Yes, it is.

[Jacob4707]

So what would you do if you found out that the person you had just broken up with about a month ago had either cheated on you in some way, shape or form or was lying throughout your entire relationship (or both) and that with one sentence said to the right person you could probably ruin his life forever?

I'll tell you what I'd do - I'd sit at my desk and work and pray really hard that God would keep me from doing something really stupid. And I'd ask for some crazy intense prayer from others as well.

God help me.

I guess it might also depend on whether doing what could ruin his life forever might also save or keep from being ruined the life of whomever he is now (or has always been) involved with.

IF that is the case - i.e., if his dishonesty is affecting or could affect another person in the same way that it affected you - what would be his response/reaction if you were to let him know that you are going to do what could ruin his life forever if he doesn't do such-and-such that would cause him to be open and honest with that other person who is or will be affected by his cheating or lack of integrity?

And, I guess it also depends on the extent to which you compromised anything or did anything wrong in your relationship with Mr. Cheater.

[Guineverelyndy]

Basically, the "sentence" is something he told me he did a few years ago before becoming a Christian. If I exposed that to the right person, I could ruin all of his future plans. Essentially, the temptation is to take revenge, which I don't *really* want to do.

And no, I didn't do anything wrong. He apparently began pursuing a relationship with someone else while still in one with me. I broke up with him because he did something stupid, but I forgave him and still wanted to be friends because I still cared about him. It was right about that time that God told me to have nothing more to do with him, and I didn't understand why. Now I know. I had a hunch shortly after God said that, but now I know for sure.

Really, I am mostly struggling with pride over being duped. I don't want to fall into sin over this. Someday, it will all be exposed and I want nothing evil on my hands in this whole situation.

[Matrona]

Basically, the "sentence" is something he told me he did a few years ago before becoming a Christian. If I exposed that to the right person, I could ruin all of his future plans. Essentially, the temptation is to take revenge, which I don't *really* want to do.

It's right for you to not want to do this out of taking revenge, but if the information you have could (or has) endanger(ed) someone else's life or well-being, telling the person is the right thing to do. You can do the right thing for the wrong reason. It doesn't make the thing any less right to do or the reason any less sinful either way.

I remember I had an acquaintance who had a powerfully bad addiction to something, and one day I took it upon myself to throw her "materials" away. The problem is, I didn't do it out of concern for her health or well-being, I just wanted to do something to spite her because of a (relatively minorly) inconsiderate thing she had done to me that had nothing to do with her addiction. It was right for me to do that, yes, but I know I did it for a bad reason, and it's the reasoning I think was sinful, not the act itself. I'm very glad I did what I did, even though I didn't quite have my priorities straight at the time.

[Guineverelyndy]

Pray really hard that you can forgive him and let it go. Since you are now broken up, he can't hurt you anymore. It's all in the past.
Perhaps he can't hurt me with anything new, but his previous actions still really hurt...

But thank you.

[Guineverelyndy]

I don't think it would really accomplish anything good for me to expose it. I'm positive that girl knew that he was dating me at the time, so if she becomes hurt it's not because she didnt' know.

[apsalmistspraise]

when i ended up leaving my ex I knew he had cheated on me and I also knew some pretty terrible stuff that he had done earlier in his life that he never got caught for. I COULD HAVE made his life HELL after all it was his fault i was hurting and had to end the relationship. I pray for him. I pray that he learns from his mistakes and that God gets a hold of his heart and makes him into something I could never help him become which was a better person! lol Realize that you are better off with out him but someone else might be better WITH him. who knows. it took me leaving the ex for him to grow up and now he is gunna be a dad with this otehr lady and they are happier than me and him ever were togehter and we had just brought out the worst in eachother. and NOW I am with someone better and i love him and we are working in a church together. and this good that came out of failure in one relationship is now made right. All things work together for the good for those who love God and are called according to his purpose. never give up hope in his changing not for you but for the Lord and Give up BITTERNESS, ANGER and temptation to do him wrong BECAUSE it will only hinder you from a better life. :O) peace and joy to you!

[Guineverelyndy]

Thanks for the encouragement.

I'm pretty sure I'm done with dating. And courtship. And marriage. And men. It would take a miracle to convince me otherwise, which I won't rule out (because I know God is that big and I don't want to limit Him), but basically right now I would rather run razor blades over my eyeballs than put myself through the inevitable hell that all relationships seem to become for me. And no, I do not go out looking for losers. Most of the guys I have dated have been guys who were waiting for marriage, were strong Christian leaders, etc. etc. They all turned out to be liars.

[Akathist]

This kind of reminds me of the life lessons I learned reading the book about the life of St. Nectarios of Aegina.

When tempted as you are, I have in the past found reading about the Saints to be very helpful.

St. Nectarios was not treated fairly by many of the people high in status in the Church during his time. The way he handled this is very inspiring to me. I read a copy of this biography that my church library has in it: http://www.stnectariospress.com/cgi-bin/shopper.cgi?preadd=action&key=NEKT

When Christ was mocked and mistreated he accepted it. He spoke of turning the other cheek.

It is hard to live up to those words. I understand perfectly as I have been badly spurned by a man in my life too. But the focus that helps me the MOST is to pray for that person. The act of praying for God to have mercy on them and that God help me forgive them is extremly effective....... if taken in sufficient doses...

for me, at times I have had to carry a prayer rope on my wrist and stop and say 33 Jesus' prayers often to help me get through the rough times.

I have confession where I have discussed this too. I think it might be helpful for you to at least talk to the local Priest about this even though you can not yet have confession.


Prayer for Enemies

Lord Jesus Christ, Who didst command us to love our enemies, and those who defame and injure us, and to pray for them and forgive them; Who Thyself didst pray for Thine enemies, who crucified thee: grant us, we pray, the spirit of Christian reconciliation and meekness, that we may heartily forgive every injury and be reconciled with our enemies. Grant us to overcome the malevolence and offences of people with Christian meekness and true love of our neighbor. We further beseech Thee, O Lord, to grant to our enemies true peace and forgiveness of sins; and do not allow them to leave this life without true faith and sincere conversion. And help us repay evil with goodness, and to remain safe from the temptations of the devil and from all the perils which threaten us, in the form of visible and invisible enemies. Amen.


While the above prayer is directly to the point of the issue, I have to say the following two have been even more helpful to me:

Prayer for times of need:
Dear Lord,

The dark clouds of trouble gather above me, and the grief of torments terrify me. Though I find myself in a state of suffering, I do not complain against you, O Good One, for you are my support and the unshaken rock upon which I place my hope.

You know God the cause of my sorrows, and you continue to look after me. Even in my sufferings, I know that you love me, and it is this very knowledge that strengthens me. Thus hoping in your love and goodness, I shall not allow these assaults to overcome me; rather I will fight with courage, and confident in your help, I shall be victorious.

It is you that guide the world and the fate of morals; thus direct the ship of my life which is assailed by the waves of temptations so that it may reach the calm harbor. Alone, I fight in vain against the tempests of life, for without you I can do nothing. I therefore flee to you, O Good One, and I pray: Come to my aid and save me by Your might, just as you once saved Peter who came to you upon the water. Stretch out your hand to me as you did to him, O Lord of mercy and do not delay.
Amen.


Psalm 51

1 Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy lovingkindness: according unto the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions. 2 Wash me throughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. 3 For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me. 4 Against thee, thee only, have I sinned, and done this evil in thy sight: that thou mightest be justified when thou speakest, and be clear when thou judgest.

5 Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me. 6 Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden part thou shalt make me to know wisdom. 7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. 8 Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice. 9 Hide thy face from my sins, and blot out all mine iniquities. 10 Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. 11 Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me. 12 Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit. 13 Then will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee.

14 Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, thou God of my salvation: and my tongue shall sing aloud of thy righteousness. 15 O Lord, open thou my lips; and my mouth shall shew forth thy praise. 16 For thou desirest not sacrifice; else would I give it: thou delightest not in burnt offering. 17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.

18 Do good in thy good pleasure unto Zion: build thou the walls of Jerusalem. 19 Then shalt thou be pleased with the sacrifices of righteousness, with burnt offering and whole burnt offering: then shall they offer bullocks upon thine altar.

[Guineverelyndy]

Thank you for that, Akathist. Those prayers are really helpful.

*trudges on*

[Jacob4707]

Thanks for the encouragement.

I'm pretty sure I'm done with dating. And courtship. And marriage. And men. It would take a miracle to convince me otherwise, which I won't rule out (because I know God is that big and I don't want to limit Him), but basically right now I would rather run razor blades over my eyeballs than put myself through the inevitable hell that all relationships seem to become for me. And no, I do not go out looking for losers. Most of the guys I have dated have been guys who were waiting for marriage, were strong Christian leaders, etc. etc. They all turned out to be liars.

:cry: :sigh: That's sad, esp. the "liars" part.

Have you ever tried eharmony.com?

[Guineverelyndy]

:cry: :sigh: That's sad, esp. the "liars" part.

Have you ever tried eharmony.com?
Yeah, I have. Didn't have much luck there, either. I remember being interested in one guy and corresponding with him quite a bit until I got this very, very odd feeling about him and felt like I should stop talking to him. I didn't get why, until about a month later he announced to me out of the blue that he was engaged. Apparently he was pursuing a couple girls at once, of which I was one. Yuck.

[Guineverelyndy]

I'm really not exaggerating here, either. There are a few people I've known who thought I was being overly dramatic until I told them exactly what happened, and then they quickly changed their minds.

[NyssaTheHobbit]

It's hard to say....In my own experience, there has been:

1) A guy who broke up with me for reasons even my friends called petty, told people lies about me, and didn't understand that I had a learning disability which affected my actions. I often suspected that the things he told people, were why nobody asked me out for the longest time. It's hard to get over somebody when you don't have any prospects. Then when I finally had a chance to start again with somebody new, this guy "warned" him about me. The warning didn't work, but I was furious. Why could he go out with all these different girls, while I couldn't date anybody? Wouldn't he rather I find happiness with somebody else?

2) I was engaged to a guy who turned out to be emotionally abusive. He broke up with me, and started dragging my name through the mud with his friends, manipulating them as well as me. He found a new girlfriend right away, and during their rocky relationship, was abusive with her as well. After I graduated, he was still at school a while longer, and found a new girl, whom he married. I thought about warning her, but didn't know her; my friends knew her, and one of them warned her instead. I also didn't want to be seen as having sour grapes. The warning didn't work, anyway; they were married a short time later. I recently learned that the marriage has now ended. He thinks they moved too fast, but I strongly suspect he was abusive with her as well. My friends reported signs of it to me while they were still at college.

"Warnings" can be influenced by our own perceptions; even if they're totally true, there's a good chance they won't be listened to. I suppose you have to examine your motives, make sure you have the facts straight, and accept that you may not be listened to anyway.

[Orthosdoxa]

I'm sorry you've been hurt. There are lots of wicked people on this earth, men and women both.

There are good guys out there. I snagged one. And he was NOT what I thought I was looking for at the time. :D Just don't rule anything out, but perhaps it IS better you don't date for a time, until some healing has happened.

I urge you not to seek revenge, even as delicious as it might seem. It will only hurt you in the end.

[Jacob4707]

There are good guys out there. I snagged one.

Yeah, it's that "snag" part that gets me, like we're fish to be caught or something. ^_^ :help:

[Akathist]

Yeah, it's that "snag" part that gets me, like we're fish to be caught or something. ^_^ :help:

Fishing is fun!

But honestly, marriage is a sacrement and it is a very good thing. I think men are the ones who should do the "fishing" myself... they live longer when they are married and get in less trouble.

[MariaRegina]

Married men may look healthier too.

Before we were married, my hubbie used to wear green and orange shirts and those colors were simply horrible on him. Whenever he wore those colors, they made him look positively sick.

So, after our honeymoon, I took several bundles of clothes and donated them to the Goodwill and bought him some shirts with color combinations that looked better on him.

Then people made the comment that he looked so much healthier!

[Orthosdoxa]

Pish posh, Jacob. :P He'd be the first to tell you HE snagged ME. I fought it every step of the way!