I am really upset--what to do?

[SirTimothy]

A couple of months ago, I was directing and accompanying the music for the midweek family service at the church I used to attend a couple of years ago, and still have a very friendly relationship with the Elders and youth leaders. I arrived--as all good professional musicians do--45 minutes early. To find the 'PA person' not in sight. As I had attended the church and knew the system inside out (including knowing the guy who built it extremely well and he'd taught me how it worked) the lady running the service asked me to set up. I rolled my eyes, but said yes, I would. She told me this 'PA person' would not be there, so I got in and did it. 30 minutes later, having got about 80% set up, he arrives. He easily in his 70s, if not pushing 80, and starts immediately getting in my way and fussing about how I am doing things.
Now, I do PA semi-professionally, my father did it professionally. I expect the person doing PA for a normal service to be there a minimum of 30 minutes early. For a service where we were moving and adjusting everything like that, an hour is the minimum you can get away with. 10 minutes is not nearly enough.
Anyway, like I say, he started getting in my way and telling me the way I was doing things was wrong (but worked flawlessly nonetheless.) I got really upset with him and told him to get out of my way and let me do what I was doing, as I had not signed up for doing it in the first place and was trying to pull together a lot of things at that point. Both he and his wife were EXTREMELY rude about my attitude and age.
Today I saw him, and regretting some of the things I had said in haste, I went up to apologise for my attitude in speaking to him. I didn't apologise for how I had done anything, just merely that I had been stressed and had said a few things in haste and irritation. His response: "You were an arrogant git and I hope you learned your lesson for the future."

How the heck do I deal with this? Right now I'm feeling really upset and hurt, and certainly won't be doing anything that involves that church in the neat future. I hate apologising at all, let alone when I'm in the right yet have an attitude problem, but nonetheless felt it the right thing to do. Now I'm having a bigger problem forgiving him than I did merely about his rudeness in the past, because insulting someone when they are apologising and telling them off seems deliberately nasty and spiteful. I have half a mind to contact the elders of the church, but I don't want to cause any problems.

[Father Rick]

While you have every right to be upset--

Jesus also said to turn the other cheek.


You have to choose to be Christ-like, regardless of what the other person says or does. If this man has that kind of attitude, it will readily become apparent to those around. And it will also become apparent that you are willing to behave properly, in spite of ill treatment-- which is a sign of maturity in your walk with Christ.

Remember, God promised that which is done in secret will be shouted from the rooftops.

Blessings!

[karen freeinchristman]

wow, tough situation. Those guys who are 70+ aren't easy to deal with! :sorry:

i dunno. just forget about it, i think.

edited to add: in other words, what Father Rick said! :)

[RedneckAnglican]

I think my response would've been, "I been called worse by better people"...

that WOULD NOT HAVE been the Christian thing to do...

[pdudgeon]

i'll bet that your PA person arrives on time from now on!:thumbsup:

we had a similar situation in our church years ago, only it was the aging organist who began showing up late.:eek: Finally when she was late yet again, and after delaying service start, someone in the choir who played piano began the service and played the first hymn. The organist arrived late in the middle of the hymn and had to make her way across the front of the church (in front of the whole congregation) in order to get to the organ. :blush:
The next Sunday and thereafter she was on time.:thumbsup:

[neilius73]

It was HE who acted unprofessionally, and I think he should give you an apology. I know you may have said things in haste, but hey, you had a show to perform and didnt want things messed up.

[norbie]

Sorry, can't agree with you, do you realy think a 70+ will apologiese?
And he shouldn't have to. Let's see it this way, with his age he properly is doing a great job. Whatever happened he was late we don't know.
Think back about the time - was he realy so rude to you? Can we put it up as 'grumpy old man?'
Mature aged people are set in their ways, and you can't change a 70+ year old anymore.
NOW the important thing about this is, even if he was in the wrong, we have to forgive him. This is were our work for Christ comes in: humble serving, loving serving.
renember we work for the Glory of God and even if we got pushed right down in the ground - we forget and forgive. It's a great Privilege to work for God.
So cheer up my Dear Brother in Christ, put down your anger, offer him your friendship and maybe tell him that you would be very happy to help him a little...
Your Brother in Christ, Norbie

[Finella]

Another perspective is that he could have just been projecting his anger onto you that he was really feeling for himself. And not just about that particular situation with you, but also about just being older and not as quick as he used to be. Here's this talented, young, whipper-snapper of a musician who also claims to know how to set up PA equipment, and it's like he has no job to do anymore. He's been made useless. And a fool. And the only way he knows how to cope is to lash out and act superior because of his age.

That's my gut feeling about the situation, not having been there or seeing anything of it myself. :D But when you see it this way, it seems you could feel sorry for the guy. Maybe he'll come to see you differently soon, but if not, you'll have to let him be Mr. Grumpy Pants and miserable until he can pull himself out of it.

[SirTimothy]

And he shouldn't have to. Let's see it this way, with his age he properly is doing a great job.

Uh, much as I hate to say this about a brother in Christ, no he's not. He does an apallingly bad job, which was part of the reason that I was unhappy with him coming in on my turf.

[pmcleanj]

Uh, much as I hate to say this about a brother in Christ, no he's not. He does an apallingly bad job, which was part of the reason that I was unhappy with him coming in on my turf.

My beloved younger brother, this is the one area where you stray into High-Churchiness: by professionalizing the music of worship. While one should offer God one's best efforts to the best of one's ability and enabling -- sometimes the "best" is still not up to another mere mortal's standards. If this is what this man is called to do, then we must accept his "best". Of course, if it's NOT what he's called to do, that's another matter. Has he stepped in because no-one more talented came forward, perhaps? Is there any way, in generosity of spirit, that we can see his contributions as godly rather than shoddy?

I think Finella has a good part of it -- it's hard growing old and watching beautiful, strong, young, talented people take over the future from us. Remember the poignant scene at the of Lord of the Rings (the book, not the movie) where the Elves leave for over the sea, saying that their time has come to an end and the Age of Man has come? Not all of us have the wisdom to depart into the West as graciously as Galadriel did.

That being said, I would find it disrespectful to use an excuse like "you can't expect 70+ to accept an apology graciously nor admit to fault." I expect 70+ to act MORE mature (barring senility) than 50+, and 50+ to act more mature than 30+, and 30+ to act more mature than you teenage gits;) -- or else what does "maturity" mean?

But since you can't change others, the only behaviour you can really work on is your own: and I find that having a plan helps repose the mind admirably. So if I may make two or three suggestions?

First, because you do have knowledge and talent in the field, you are cast into the role of teacher. As my dear husband is forever saying, never attribute to malice what can equally be attributed to ignorance. Overt and polite communication is the technique I've used for twenty years with my father-in-law. I listen to what he has to say, and then reply with a factual response. You might have to say the very things that you've told us: "to do a good quality job, a PA man needs to arrive forty-five minutes ahead of the service time", and so on. Keep the advice in the abstract, so as to be heard: "A PA man needs to arrive" instead of "You should have been here".

Secondly, if that church asks for your services again, you might want to say something like "I do have a concern about the PA. I will need to rely on the PA man to be there an hour ahead of time. Last time he didn't get there until 10 minutes ahead of time, I had to do the set-up instead of practicing, and I'm afraid I put his nose out of joint by doing his job. What I'd like, is for you to give me a cheque on deposit made out to <insert charity here> in the amount of (say, a hundred Euros -- you know this church's finances better than I do). Assuming the PA setup is trouble-free, I'll tear up the cheque, but having it will help me be sure the church values my contribution and is committed to a good working partnership with me." Discuss this idea with your Da, at least. Money is the universal sign of value received, and it doesn't hurt for a congregation to be reminded that they are receiving something of value.

[Finella]

Pamela, I LOVE your ideas. Fantastic. As a frequent church musician (with a great deal of training) who has to work with volunteers as in this situation, it can be difficult setting standards for organizing events and performances. I will keep your ideas in mind if I ever (unfortunately) have a situation like this occur to me.

[norbie]

I do like the last part of Mrs.Pamela's Post, that is the payment of a cheque.
We also had problems with Voluntiers in our Parish and now have the very importen jobs as 'paying' jobs. This way we can be strict and persistend how we like the job done.
But I can't go along with the 'disrespectful' part. It's a very old man - just look it over and when the right time comes, the right opportunity, tell him nicely.
Always for a pieceful Solution,
Norbie