What makes a good mom?

[Kalanit]

I'm asking you guys because... sometimes I'd rather not go 'out there' to ask.

I'm a young mom and I feel completely lost. See... I had my life all planned out when I was younger. All planned until the age of 30 or so. Well, my life has not gone as I planned... and I'm reaching 30 faster than I'd like... and I have no vision of the future. Nothing- it's blank. I have a 3 yr. old... and I have no idea how to be a mom.

So, any moms or dads or well, people in general have any advice???
Thanks-

[jgonz]

My opinion of what makes a good mom.... A mom who is "tuned in" to her child, helps, trains, teaches her child(ren) about the L-rd, disciplines, nurtures... tries her best... is willing to fail... readily admits mistakes... keeps her sense of self in the midst...

One thing I've learned is that the old adage, "man proposes, but G-d disposes" is 100% correct. We can plan ALL we want~ if it's not G-d's plan, it won't happen. I can tell you that 99% of what I've planned in my life went out the window over & over again over the years... It's hard setting aside wants and desires, but it's Totally worth it to follow what G-d has for us.

[Wags]

Life has a funny way of not going the way we had things planned.

I never planned to have children. Then my husband turned 40 and decided he wanted a family.... I had my daughter at age 39 and her baby brother at age 41. Bekah will be three in a month, and Ari was 15 months yesterday. Some days I too wonder how to be a mom and what that means. I have been reading a book called "Biblical Parenting" (http://www.amazon.com/Biblical-Parenting-Crystal-Lutton/dp/193058668X) by Pastor Crystal Lutton - she isn't messianic, but she does have a pretty good grasp of torah. Another good book is "Grace Based Pareenting" (http://www.amazon.com/Grace-Based-Parenting-Tim-Kimmel/dp/0849905486/ref=pd_bxgy_b_text_b/002-7289134-5945628) by Tim Kimmel.

Some goal setting tips:


STEP 1: Set aside some quiet time alone to contemplate the life ahead of you. Make sure you are free of distractions and have an open mind.
STEP 2: Write down on a piece of paper the major goals you'd like to reach during your life. These need not be heavy and philosophical....but they do need to be specific. "Personal growth" is a bit too broad and hard to measure. Instead try something like "learn a 2nd language by the time I'm 30"
STEP 3: Your list may include personal, professional, financial, spiritual goals. This is your life -- make sure these are your life goals, not other's goals for your life.
STEP 4: Once you have have written this comprehensive list, ask yourself if any of these are "nice-to-haves". For example, is one of your life goals really to have your picture taken in front of each of the 7 Wonders of The World or did you just read about it in an in-flight magazine and thought... "that would be cool". Once you have removed the nice-to-haves, try to get down to @ 10 of your most important goals.
STEP 5: Now take your top ten goals and place a time next to each of them. It is useless to say "make $1M dollars" unless you put a concrete timeline when you want to achieve that goal. A target date focuses your energies and helps you prioritize.
STEP 6: Put the list in your purse and revisit the list 48 hours later to see if this is a true reflection of your life goals. If it is - congratulations! If not, start over at Step #1 and see where the 2nd round takes you.I've done this several times in my life, some of the goals have stayed the same and in some cases my priorities have changed. When we moved a few years ago I came across a list I'd done 10 years previously and was amazed at how much of it was accomplished. The act of commiting your thoughts to paper really does help to focus your energy, sometimes in ways you aren't even consciously aware of.

[Torah]

I'm asking you guys because... sometimes I'd rather not go 'out there' to ask.

I'm a young mom and I feel completely lost. See... I had my life all planned out when I was younger. All planned until the age of 30 or so. Well, my life has not gone as I planned... and I'm reaching 30 faster than I'd like... and I have no vision of the future. Nothing- it's blank. I have a 3 yr. old... and I have no idea how to be a mom.

So, any moms or dads or well, people in general have any advice???
Thanks-
Bill Gothard “Children’s Institute”

Turning the Hearts of Children to Fathers

http://iblp.org/iblp/seminars/children/ (http://iblp.org/iblp/seminars/children/)

I have raised 5 children using Bill Gothard principles. Like all teachings one must use wisdom when applying any teaching.


Little bear wheeler
http://www.mantleministries.com/ (http://www.mantleministries.com/)

[Kalanit]

I made a list sort of like that when I was younger... and, well... it just depresses me. I'm no where near where I wanted to be at this point in my life. Ug. The truth of it really hurts. On top of it all- I had come to accept and even enjoy the role of motherhood- but again- things happened that screwed up my plans... so, now, I feel like making any sort of plan at all is pointless. I feel a total loss of control over any aspect of my life.

Where is the ballance- between making goals and being open to what G-d throws into your life?

[Kalanit]

And- why is it that with so many other things I can 'hear' G-d giving me direction, insight, etc. And when this topic comes up all I get is silence? Am I not listening close enough?

[Kalanit]

I'll check out those books/ links... thanks :)

[Wags]

Yes it is hard to realize that certain plans are not going the way you hoped. From the time I was 5 until I flunked calculus my freshman year in college I had planned on being a veterinarian. What I hadn't planned on was that my dyslexia would finally get the better of me.

Over the years I've had to change my focus many times, I've had to modify a career I loved and then eventually had to give it up all together due to injuries.

If I dwealt on the "what ifs" related to my career goals I would get really depressed, instead I look at the other goals I had. And I have met some of them - some in ways I hadn't anticipated. Some of the old goals aren't even on my radar anymore.

When things change, we can re-evaluate the old goals. Try to figure out what was most appealing about them and then modify or adapt them to meet the way our life is currently.

If you read about some of the great leaders and business people they all had set backs, and when that happened they re-evaluated their goals and then moved forward, sometimes in a completely different direction.

[Ivy]

And- why is it that with so many other things I can 'hear' G-d giving me direction, insight, etc. And when this topic comes up all I get is silence? Am I not listening close enough?

Are you getting silence when you ask God about the future or when you ask about parenting........?

Anyway, Kalanit, I can really relate to what you are saying, about the future looking blank....I got a major curve ball in my life five years ago and somehow I just haven't been able to chart a course from that point. I've really been walking by faith and not by sight you could say, because I just have no idea.

I guess the lesson for me in this has been just to Stay in the Present Moment--what has God placed right in front of me to do this hour? And just go and do that, however small it is, with love......if it's folding laundry, thank God for the clothes; if it's fixing a meal for the kids do it cheerfully; just give them a hug when I walk by; or don't explode in anger if one of them forgot to take out the dog (:sick: ); sing a little worship song when vaccumming...........like that.

It's really important to establish a habit of reading the Bible with them + other good books, and praying.....in fact the most important thing IMO.

I always really liked Kevin Leman for parenting advice--he's fun & funny & practical.

:hug: Kalanit :hug:

[plum]

there's that quote i've seen around...

"If you want to hear Gd laugh, tell Him your plans."

:prayer: for you as you discover one day at a time how to love, teach, and raise your child.

[Ivy]

there's that quote i've seen around...

"If you want to hear Gd laugh, tell Him your plans."



Oh, so that's what that laughter I've been hearing is. ^_^

[Kalanit]

"If you want to hear Gd laugh, tell Him your plans."


:D Yeah- that's for sure! lol!

I feel like I was walking along on the path of life and suddenly the road just ended. Not only is there no sidewalk, there is no grass... nothing, just a black void, like outer space.

I fear that no matter what I plan or hope for in the future, it will all crumble to the ground. So, because of my hurt, loss, etc I fear taking any step forward in life - all the while- life goes on- whether I am actively participating or not.

Silence from G-d on the future. Fear (obviously not a G-d thing) about being a parent... more specifically, fear that I do not have enough, whatever it is- to be a good parent.

And, while I'm thinking about it... I believe that fear comes from the fact I've not been physically well. Specifically, I had a traumatic birth experience with my son and I just recently had a miscarriage with #2. My immune system is real beat up, and right this minute I have a cold- again- I've had one per month for about 5 months.

I've 'dusted off and gotten back on the horse' so many times now... but I"m getting weary... physically worn down.

I'll maybe write more in a bit... thanks for letting me work through it in my mind- thanks for hugs.

[By Grace]

I can completely relate to your comments. Kids were part of my "plan", but I had no idea how all-consuming kids would be. And in the last couple of years, I've been longing for other goals in addition to the kiddies, including a business. Now I'm pg with #3, and we're not sure what will happen to the business if I need more than a couple of months off with the baby. Honestly, we're not sure what will happen to the business anyway--it's not doing nearly as well as we expected by this point, and it's hard to think about pouring so much more money into it with this new baby on the way. This company is like another child to me, and I care very much for its well-being.

The next year will hold a lot of tough decisions for us, and so often I've felt the weight of God's silence on this. It seems that every time we seek God's guidance on whether to keep moving forward or to call it quits, we've thought we heard "keep going." But our efforts so far seem fruitless, and now there's more at stake than just money. Why would God have us pour our lives and resources into a company for 2 years, and not make it thrive?? I don't know. I do trust His sovereign will, but I don't trust my ability to hear His direction accurately. I'm always questioning if what I'm doing is the right thing, and I can't see very far beyond this month, this week, or even this day.

We've also been given prophecies by various people that are amazingly consistent, regarding what God has planned for us as a family. It's exciting, and I'm very much looking forward to reaching that place, but it also seems impossible. My DH is not too thrilled about what he's been told--he's the kind of guy who would rather live as normal a life as possible and not rock the boat. I suppose this is another example of God calling us to the impossible so that we'll know it's God and not ourselves...anyway, back to your questions.

First of all, try to remember to thank God for your child. I have a sister who would give her right arm to have a husband and child. She's also quickly approaching 30, and desperately straining to hear God's voice through all of her ruined plans.

Secondly, thank God that He ruins our plans. Our best-laid plans are not as good as what God has planned. I try to tell myself that every day!

Thirdly, teach your child to worship God, esp. when things aren't going how we want them to. It's through worship that we grow in intimacy with God, and that's why we exist. Really, in the end, nothing else matters...if we got the job we wanted, if we got the house we wanted, if we succeeded at our life-long dreams, if we were the best parents ever, if our husbands were wonderful or horrible--if we even had one. What matters is our rel'ship with God, and what we did to forge a lifelong, intimate rel'ship between God and our children (or others around us who are affected by us). At 3, your child is the prime age to be taught how to worship God--actually, 3 yo's already know how to worship God, they just need to be released to do so.

And now, I need to take my own advice, and get off this computer and relate better with my own kids. Shabbat Shalom!

[Wags]

We all have different talents and interests, things that spark for us. Some people know from the time they are young what they want to be when they grow up and they go for it with singular purpose and achieve it. Some people through no fault of their own have their course changed. Some folks never do have a vision or purpose, and seem to wander aimlessly through life.

I believe God wants us to talk with him about the desires of our hearts and that he wants to help us find a purpose or meaning in life. Once you have a purpose, then the goals just seem to fall into place.

For some the act of writing is a form of prayer and meditation. It focuses their thoughts and brings them closer to God. The Psalmist is a prime example of that . David seems almost bi-polar at times. His highs were very high, and his lows were very low, but regardless of his current state he always wrote about it.

[Kalanit]

Really good points guys, thanks so much! :hug:

[jgonz]

Ah, that silence when speaking/thinking of the future...

That's Totally me. I have never been one to "see" the future, have goals, work towards something specific. Never. I've always been the one to just keep on plowing forward, trusting that if I'm doing something wrong, G-d will change it.

Well, now that I'm 47, and looking Back over my life, I can see that G-d didn't let me in on what was going to happen for a Reason... I wouldn't have gone along with it. Choosing to be devastated by loss, choosing to put myself on hold for 25 years, choosing post partum depression after each of my children... nope, I wouldn't have done it. And I would have missed out on all the Blessings that came along also.

G-d knows what we can handle... so many times He Doesn't tell us things on purpose. We have to just trust that we're going in the right direction... Studying the Word, taking care of our households, training up our children... taking care of the "small" things. And in being faithful in the little things, G-d will reward us with much.

[Kalanit]

I've been thinking about these things quite a bit... and every time I go to write out my thoughts, I get distracted! Rg! But I'm still pondering it all...

[Ivy]

nope, I wouldn't have done it. And I would have missed out on all the Blessings that came along also.



:thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: That is such a good point.

[Kalanit]

Strange, how something can be bothering us for a long time... and once we speak about it, it gets resolved rather quickly!

I've been frustrated because I thought I had accepted the role of mom and was no longer troubled that I have not accomplished what I set out to accomplish as a youth. It is yucky to have something you thought you were 'over' surface again.

Also, I let others' definitions affect how I see myself . I need to stop that.

Ya know how we find ourselves going 'round the mountain' over and over again... always a little higher in altitude, but still, going in circles...? I am seeing this as a series of lessons that must be drilled into my thinking... Finally, I hear G-d say, "Who are you to tell ME how this part of your life doesn't 'fit' ... As if you can see what I cannot! Ha!"

Someone mentioned living one day at a time. I guess that's where it all starts, huh? Knowing what one ought to do- for that minute, hour, day - and then doing it.

In my self-focus, I've also forgotten to consider my husband's calling, and how his life is so very connected to mine own. In fact, I really don't have a right to be selfish at all. :doh:

And, you're right, if G-d had told me all the stuff I'd experience up to this point in life, yes, I too would probably have given up to soon - and missed many blessing!

And then, I don't write out the many blessing I have experienced. And I SHOULD.

Physical exhaustion and limited free time has been a frustration. Must find a way to correct this.

Looking back, HaShem has given me guide posts... and He expects me to follow and obey during the silent times just as much as the times when He is vocal. In fact, when He is silent, He still speaks, His Word exists, it's still there... I'm just now starting to understand that- just a little- and I think there may be much more to that thought... but perhaps I have to live more life in order to gain further insight.

Sometimes, my distress comes from being overwhelmed with lessons I learn about my own self from my child- the constant chatter and questions of a 3 yr. old can make a person crazy! They see time and space from such a different perspective... I imagine our fretting when G-d has already told us what to do does get old.

[jgonz]

Physical exhaustion and limited free time has been a frustration. Must find a way to correct this.

Welllll.... you have a 3 yr old. That's just part of being a mom. My 4.5 yr old is the one driving ME crazy right now. She chatters Constantly. Loudly. All. Day. Long. Very frustrating... but it's a Phase! and she Is going to grow out of it, as did my older kids. I have to remind myself of that over & over & over & over..... ;) Now that I'm thinking about it though, my 6, 8, and 12 yr olds' are also driving me nuts with their constant picking at each other.... lol

I like something Dr. Sears (pediatrician and author, I really like him) said in one of his books... "When you start resenting something [concerning baby/child], take steps to change it." Sometimes the only thing that Can be changed is our own perspective...

[christianmomof3]

So, any moms or dads or well, people in general have any advice???
Thanks-
Pray for your children. Put them in the Lord's hands and pray for them frequently and fervently.
That is the best advice and the only advice that will work for every parent.
I feel a total loss of control over any aspect of my life.

Where is the ballance- between making goals and being open to what G-d throws into your life?
Now you know that you are not in control.
Even when you thought you were in control you were not. Now that you realize that you are not in control, you can spend more time speaking to the Lord who is the one who is in control.
My goal is God Himself.
At least it should be.
All of our other goals will not stand up.
God must have the first place in our lives.
Seek first the kingdom of God, which is Christ in you growing and transforming you into His image, and all these things will be added to you.


And- why is it that with so many other things I can 'hear' G-d giving me direction, insight, etc. And when this topic comes up all I get is silence? Am I not listening close enough?
I don't know. It seems to me that God's "no"s are louder than His "yes"s. I imagine that means that He needs to yell "NO" at me a lot :o . If I am uncertain and don't get a "no", then I just pray and proceed cautiously.

"And, while I'm thinking about it... I believe that fear comes from the fact I've not been physically well. Specifically, I had a traumatic birth experience with my son and I just recently had a miscarriage with #2. My immune system is real beat up, and right this minute I have a cold- again- I've had one per month for about 5 months.


:hug: I am sorry. I am not a dr., but I would imagine that the miscarriage is a big part of your emotional upheaval. It surely messed up your hormones and can be difficult to deal with and hormonal stuff can make us depressed, angry and insane in general. You may want to talk to your dr if you continue feeling unwell and upset.

I pray that the Lord will guide you and be your peace. :prayer:

[jgonz]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kalanit http://www3.christianforums.com/images/buttons/viewpost.gif (http://www.christianforums.com/showthread.php?p=33053237#post33053237)
"And, while I'm thinking about it... I believe that fear comes from the fact I've not been physically well. Specifically, I had a traumatic birth experience with my son and I just recently had a miscarriage with #2. My immune system is real beat up, and right this minute I have a cold- again- I've had one per month for about 5 months.



:hug: I am sorry. I am not a dr., but I would imagine that the miscarriage is a big part of your emotional upheaval. It surely messed up your hormones and can be difficult to deal with and hormonal stuff can make us depressed, angry and insane in general. You may want to talk to your dr if you continue feeling unwell and upset.

That's very true. I had a miscarriage in the spring of '05, and it was MONTHS before I was even close to being 'normal' again. My hormones were all over the place, I was fighting grief and depression... It's just a really sucky place to be in. :(

I'm so sorry you've gone through this. :hug:

[Ivy]

Yes, hormones........those lovely little power packs. Take 'em with a large grain of salt. Reality is better than they're sometimes telling us. :)

[Kalanit]

Well, I've written down what I consider important aspects of parenting/ being mom. Writing it down DOES help! I can see it- post it- add to it when i hear a fresh idea...

I do some obvious stuff, like kosher organic food, and limit the TV, and try to get outside as much as possible, and talk with my child about G-d and read stories, etc. (And it's encouraging to hear other moms do this too! :) ) But, I keep digging... that 'inner voice' keeps asking me, "Ok, what is the REAL issue?" and I'll think of something... and then, again, "No, what is the REAL issue?" And after a while everything gets narrowed down to a few things... and I realize my immediate feelings are not exactly honed in on the deeper things going on within me. Sort of like symptoms- not the actual cause.

The miscarriage was difficult- but even with that- a few days before it happened I had an amazing experience with G-d. I won't go into details, but I was walking with Yeshua and he let me know something difficult was ahead and I had to just keep walking in obedience and trust Him- no matter what. Like, 3 days later I started bleeding. I don't usually have such specific experiences (it wasn't exactly a vision... but some kind of awake communication.) And, I've allowed myself to experience the grief when it comes and let it out and then praise G-d and keep on going. So, I think i'm working through it in a healthy sort of way...

But you know, just about every week- definitely every month for the past year or so- something major has happened in our life and/or crazy external circumstances that would be fairly disturbing... That sentence - i just read- it doesn't make sense... from DH having major heart issues, the miscarriage, to a lady being murdered in the apt. below us... non-stop funkiness for over a year.

I think, I am frustrated that I do not have time to process. And, I believe I do need to garden more- it's good for my soul.

There ARE things I can change - and some I cannot. I just need to separate the two and then take action.

There is a balance, ya know, between actively walking with G-d and resting in Him and relying on Him because we can accomplish nothing without Him... Maybe, like, all those things can occur at once- Walking and resting and depending on Him and doing what needs to be done...

christianmomof3 - I think, before, I knew I wasn't in control - but I thought I was right in line with G-d's plan. HIS plan.

And really, the things I wanted to do - are still all very possible. In fact, they fit in with my DH's goals... the direction our family is going... So, why on earth am I complaining?

It's that what He wants to accomplish does not LOOK like I thought it would. So, perhaps certain things were deeply implanted within my soul and from my young perspective I thought, "Oh, well, I"ll accomplish that this way" ... and when G-d very firmly changed my direction and specifically sent me a completely different way - I assumed all was lost. I did not broaden my perspective to include possibilities beyond what I had originally hoped for. And then the enemy comes along and plays with the emotions- magnifies feelings and suggests lies that sound like truth... and then despair sets in.

Good 'ole perspective. Gatta have it!

[Kalanit]

And hormones... yeah, they can really mess with a person! Do they make hormone detectors? Like, you prick you finger and in 1 minute it tells you if you are experiencing hormone fluctuation or 'something else' ;)

[gilfv]

I'm asking you guys because... sometimes I'd rather not go 'out there' to ask.

I'm a young mom and I feel completely lost. See... I had my life all planned out when I was younger. All planned until the age of 30 or so. Well, my life has not gone as I planned... and I'm reaching 30 faster than I'd like... and I have no vision of the future. Nothing- it's blank. I have a 3 yr. old... and I have no idea how to be a mom.

So, any moms or dads or well, people in general have any advice???
Thanks-

What makes a good mom? is to truly strive daily to walk with the Lord our God.

Walking in Love will always show our children and all around us The Face of the True and Living God.

God is Love and God is Peace.

*Our Homes will be: An environment of Love and Peace*

Children tend to follow who their parents love (God or Beezelbub).

Appreciate you asking the question

GB
:)

[christianmomof3]

I think, I am frustrated that I do not have time to process.
...
There ARE things I can change - and some I cannot. I just need to separate the two and then take action.

There is a balance, ya know, between actively walking with G-d and resting in Him and relying on Him because we can accomplish nothing without Him... Maybe, like, all those things can occur at once- Walking and resting and depending on Him and doing what needs to be done...

christianmomof3 - I think, before, I knew I wasn't in control - but I thought I was right in line with G-d's plan. HIS plan.

It's that what He wants to accomplish does not LOOK like I thought it would. what I had originally hoped for. And then the enemy comes along and plays with the emotions- magnifies feelings and suggests lies that sound like truth... and then despair sets in.

Good 'ole perspective. Gatta have it!
:hug: I don't know if I ever have time to process anything anymore. I agree that we need to have a purposeful walk with the Lord and at the same time rest in Him and allow Him to be in control.
I personally am a control freak.
Yes I admit it.
I used to think I was in control.
Now I know I am not and it makes me crazy. :sigh: :mad:
And yes, often things don't look or seem the way we imagined they would be, but they are all part of the Lord's wonderful plan.

And hormones... yeah, they can really mess with a person! Do they make hormone detectors? Like, you prick you finger and in 1 minute it tells you if you are experiencing hormone fluctuation or 'something else'
I don't know. I once worked with a lady who wanted to make a PMS calendar so we could all put our hormonal days on it so we would know who to watch out for. I think it would be nice for us to be able to recognize it better. I used to work with a lady who would see me and tell me I had PMS and to calm down and relax and she was always right. :o

I am glad that you are working things out.
I used to enjoy gardening.
I have not had much time for it in a long time though.

:prayer: May the Lord continue to guide you and care for you in His love.

[Wags]

I'm glad the writing helps. I do think it is a way of communicating with God, a way of physically pouring our hearts out that can be very cathartic.