The Top 15 Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife

[ctay]

The Top 15 Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife


Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
Find a prostitute and marry her. (Hosea 1:1-3)
Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. -- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. -- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. -- Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. -- Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman. -- Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. -- David (I Samuel 18:27)
Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.) -- Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. -- Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." -- Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though). -- David (2 Samuel 11)
Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law). -- Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. -- Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
A wife?...NOT!!! -- Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

[seajoy]

^_^ :)

Concerning #5
I hope this isn't how my son (a Benjamin ;) ite) got his soon to be wife!

[Jim47]

I like number one :P but number 5 isn't bad either :D

[seajoy]

Surprised you guys aren't talking about #8 :eek: :swoon: .

[Jim47]

Surprised you guys aren't talking about #8 :eek: :swoon: .



^_^ ^_^ ^_^ Doesn't sound too appealing to me :eek:

[Edial]

...
Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
In time she might turn out to be a Jewish princess - cannot afford.

...Find a prostitute and marry her. (Hosea 1:1-3)
... Right. Then she'll start calling me "John" in a moment of passion. No thanks.

...Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. -- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
Yeah, that's all I need.
7 wives and a flock following me everywhere I go.

...Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. -- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
But when I decide to sell that property, why do I owe her the half?

...Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. -- Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
Then when I wake up with a hangover, take her back?

Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. -- Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
... and an arm and a leg ...

Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman. -- Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
And after that I'll take all the vacation days, holidays, personal days and sick days in a row ...

Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. -- David (I Samuel 18:27)
Yeah, right ... and be chasen by 200 mad Philistines and their deprived wives?

Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.) -- Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
And I thought that wandering aimlessly is one of the psychological disorders ...

Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. -- Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
Not unless I get some pointers from Idi Amin and Donald Trump ...

When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." -- Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
... and my father would have thrown me out of the house, so I could think about my language ... while wandering aimlessly.

Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though). -- David (2 Samuel 11)
... and to have the honeymoon from hell?

Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law). -- Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
It might be the law, but I could get broke from all these speeding tickets trying to get loose ...

Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. -- Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
and then wind up with a quality headache that no quantity of medication could ease ...

A wife?...NOT!!! -- Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

Hmm ... what was that?

[seajoy]

In time she might turn out to be a Jewish princess - cannot afford.


... Right. Then she'll start calling me "John" in a moment of passion. No thanks.


Yeah, that's all I need.
7 wives and a flock following me everywhere I go.


But when I decide to sell that property, why do I owe her the half?


Then when I wake up with a hangover, take her back?


... and an arm and a leg ...


And after that I'll take all the vacation days, holidays, personal days and sick days in a row ...


Yeah, right ... and be chasen by 200 mad Philistines and their deprived wives?


And I thought that wandering aimlessly is one of the psychological disorders ...


Not unless I get some pointers from Idi Amin and Donald Trump ...


... and my father would have thrown me out of the house, so I could think about my language ... while wandering aimlessly.


... and to have the honeymoon from hell?


It might be the law, but I could get broke from all these speeding tickets trying to get loose ...


and then wind up with a quality headache that no quantity of medication could ease ...



Hmm ... what was that?
You are just too picky, Ed! :D :D :)

[alabaster jar]

Oh, my!! That list is hysterical:D Thanks for posting it!

[QuiltAngel]

The list is funny and Ed's replies are great.

Jane

[PretzelMonger]

Hey there are worse ways. Check out Mohammad and Aisha. He says, "God TOLD me to marry her!" She says, "huh? marry? at my age? I'm 6!"

[RedneckAnglican]

LOL...

good one...

[The Princess Bride]

In time she might turn out to be a Jewish princess - cannot afford.


... Right. Then she'll start calling me "John" in a moment of passion. No thanks.

Yeah, that's all I need.
7 wives and a flock following me everywhere I go.


But when I decide to sell that property, why do I owe her the half?


Then when I wake up with a hangover, take her back?


... and an arm and a leg ...


And after that I'll take all the vacation days, holidays, personal days and sick days in a row ...


Yeah, right ... and be chasen by 200 mad Philistines and their deprived wives?


And I thought that wandering aimlessly is one of the psychological disorders ...


Not unless I get some pointers from Idi Amin and Donald Trump ...


... and my father would have thrown me out of the house, so I could think about my language ... while wandering aimlessly.


... and to have the honeymoon from hell?


It might be the law, but I could get broke from all these speeding tickets trying to get loose ...


and then wind up with a quality headache that no quantity of medication could ease ...



Hmm ... what was that?

BWWAHAHAHAHA!!!^_^ :D I thought the list was funny enough, until I saw your comments....I about had sweet tea come out my nose!! ^_^ ^_^

[ctay]

I thought the list was funny when I first read it and had to post it

[singingpraises]

That's hilarious! I love the commentary by Edial better though :-P

[homewardbound]

Surprised you guys aren't talking about #8 :eek: :swoon: .

No thanks, I don't like the idea of having to furnish proof. ^_^

[GratiaCorpusChristi]

I love #1 and #8. Maybe because they're both violent...

But with my penachant for the helpless and abused, it'll probably be #2...

[Edial]

Hey there are worse ways. Check out Mohammad and Aisha. He says, "God TOLD me to marry her!" She says, "huh? marry? at my age? I'm 6!"
He wouldn't mind ... he sees everything in dog years.

[alabaster jar]

:D dog years. . .