Old Flames (Adults Only)

[DiscipleOfIAm]

Does anyone here struggle with memories of old flames?

Unfortunately, I was not a good christian at first. I was saved at age 12 and baptized the same year. I did not grow up in a very devout christian home. We went to church and did the Sunday thing, but the rest of the week there was no mention of church.

At age 16, I lost my virginity to the girl across the street. She had moved in that summer and we hit it off as friends. Myself and my bestfriend played a lot of basketball and so did she. Not long after meeting her, we ended up closer and one thing led to another. She was already experienced in such things and I was not, so naturally, she dumped me after a month or so. She did not go to my same school, so once school started, I did not see her much anymore. I ended up with another girlfirend and loved her very much, but we did not go that far sexually. I would have married her had I not left for the military and met my wife. We were not as good, but we ended up married, so I always told myself it was okay.

We now live in the house I grew up in and that same girl's parents still live across the street. I see glimpses of her a lot since she is there daily. She is married and has kids as do I. But, I can't help thinking that what I did ruined my intimate relationship with my wife. My wife has only been with me, so she cannot relate. I see this other girl, woman now, daily, but I have not spoken to her in over 10 years. It is hard to get it out of my mind with the constant reminder. She is not a christian or at least was not then, so I wonder if it effects her at all?

The other girl after her became a missionary and is now married. I have not seen her in over 12 years, but I still hold a special place in my heart for her. I loved her and that is not something that goes away. I do not regret marrying my wife at all. I love her and my family very much. I just onder if old flames and stupid experiences ruined something for me and my wife.

I can see now how important it is to remain a virgin until marriage. That includes influences from the media and other secular images. It really ruins the sanctity of the marriage bed. We cannot help but see all the sexually explicit images daily. It is everwhere, in the newspapers, tv, billboards, magazines, work, etc!

How does one get those memories and experiences out of mind and press forward? I have asked God for forgiveness for that time in my life and I know He has forgiven me. I know He has forgotten about it, but I cannot seem to.

Any advice?

God Bless!

[RichardT]

Thank you for writting this. I have not lost my virginity yet, and I understand why we must keep it for marriage. The bible says that when we commit adultery, we hurt ourselves, and from your post, it seems absolutely true.

Once again, thank you for writting this.

[MrJim]

No, I married the first girl I ever dated..so no old flames...does sound like a lot of country songs I know though. Most of them just end up you feel sorry for yourself and drink a lot, but you aren't going to do that are you? You are going to recognize what God has given you and not let the tempter continue to work with you on building this wedge that will destroy all you hold dear, right?

[Katakalupto]

Well I am in a similar position as your wife. While my dh and I had premarital sex, he is the only man I've been with. I feel/felt that my dh deprived me of something that should have just been between us. But in his situation, he wasn't in love with the girl. She was experienced, and pressured him. It bothered me alot during our first year of marriage, always wondering if he was comparing us, but I have peace with the situation now. As for how do you get those thoughts out of your mind, focus on being content. Yes, your relationship has suffered because of things you did before you were married, but you can be content with what you have now, and know that the past is the past.

[Sword-In-Hand]

I've struggled with this before too. The girl I met prior to meeting my wife, I was in complete love with. She was younger than me and didn't want a committed relationship. Looking back I understand, but at the time it hurt. We didn't hold back from anything sexually.

After we broke up, about a year later I met the woman who would be my wife. We had a rocky/bad start, sin wise, but it was at a point in my life I just didn't care. I look back on that and wanna hit myself, but that's how it was. But even though I was tee-totally in love with my soon to be wife, I still had thoughts of past girlfriends, especially the most recent.

The thing that helped me the most was looking at my wife. I knew I'd never want to be with anyone else. She loves me and supports me, and no other woman on the planet can match up with her. Wife-wise, in my opinion, she is perfect. Knowing how much I love her, and how much she deserves to be shown that love, helped me to put the past where it belonged, straight in the garbage.

[ghs1994]

You and I are both 30 yrs. old. I wasn't faithful and neither was my wife before we were married.

It has never been a comparison thing with us. For us, there was no comparison. We loved each other very much and since God made sex for marriage only, well then I got to see just how special it was.

Unless there is some unfinished business between you and this woman, I would say forget about it. I guess I don't understand why there would be anything to say to her after all this time.

[DiscipleOfIAm]

Thanks everyone!

I re-read the OP and to clarify, I do not still love these girls or dwell on them or wish I was married to one of them. The first was just that, the first. And being that, and that I see her daily because her parents live across the street, it is just a constant reminder of my mistake and sin. I struggle with getting that out of mind. The second, I care about, and love in a plutonic way, not romanticly. I have no ill will towards her or anything. I'm not sure why I mentioned her in my OP.

I guess I was sort of venting out frustration at past actions and mistakes. How do we forget our sin. He can, but it is very hard for us to do so.

And I was wanting those who are unmarried to realize that God does in fact know what He is doing when He instructs us to save ourselves for marriage. If there is one thing I could stress to unmarried people, that is it. Wait! You won't regret it. You'll be so much happier. And I mean wait for anything. Stop at kissing and hand holding. Go no further and some would say don't even do those things. Take time to get to know each other and the physical stuff can wait until you're married.

Just my opinion! I feel better, thanks!

God Bless!

[susanann]

1. At age 16, I lost my virginity to the girl across the street. she dumped me after a month or so.


2. She is married and has kids as do I. She is not a christian or at least was not then, so I wonder if it effects her at all?



3. How does one get those memories and experiences out of mind and press forward?





1. Lots of things, at the time, "seemed" great at 16, or seemed great when you were a child. But you cant relive your childhood, you cant see Rome for the first time more than once, etc. There are lots and lots of things that you can do for the first time only once. HOwever, on the other hand, if you give her a chance, she will "dump you" again.



2. She never gives it a thought, "If" she even remembers it - which she probably does not.


3. Why would you want to lose your memory? Be careful what you wish for, because if you live long enough, you will get dementia and not remember anything.

[RED that's ME]

Hopefully, younger single people will read your thread and give them a lil' food for thought. :) A lot of teens don't think that having several relationships really effects you & make fun of others who are trying to save themselves for their future spouse.

[Jim1927]

Funny you should mention your first experience. I dug up an old sermon. Let me type out a little:

Do you remember your first sweetheart? Do you remember your first kiss? What a wonderful memory. I have two older sisters and for the most of my youth I thought girls were meant to be someone's sister. Certainly they weren't meant to be kissed. I was already in the military service when I had my first girlfriend. I was also taking theological studies as a military chaplain. The only dates we had were at church when I was home on leave. After six months of intensive training, I got my first weekend pass. Immediately I went to her home, rapped on the door and kissed her mother. It is the kiss I'll not forget. It is forever etched in my memory.

As a people, we want to be remembered. And, we want to remember............The dying thief on the cross next to Jesus, said, "Remember me, when you come into your kingdom." All his life he had been a bloke of ill repute, a thief, a robber, a blight on society. At the time of his death, he wanted to be remembered.

Memory is the link to reality. "Remember and forget not" the scriptures say.

................................................

Use your memory to advance your touch with reality. Things happen, and they happen for a reason. We can suffer under such thoughts, or we can advance ourselves in life. Think of all the good things that come about from the things we remember. We also learn what not to do by our memory. Learn from those things also, and use them to your advantage.

Cheers, and God bless,

Jim

[~InHisHands~]

The only suggestion I can offer is that you stop looking across the street. ~Smiles Gently~

There is one in my life that I will never forget and never stop loving. But, I don't think it will interfere with whoever is to come into my life down the road. I just think that past experiences in general really screw things up in an emotional sense. Baggage you know? Read a book...go talk to your wife...watch tv...just stop looking across the street. That will help tremendously. And if you can't...then jot down a list of all the good things that you have with your wife. Every time you're tempted to look across the street...get your list out. Have a great thanksgiving!!

[JPPT1974]

I will be praying for you all as well as
Just thinking as I never had to deal with
These issues nor do I plan on it
Like someone in this forum says, this
Is indeed like a country song.
I have never been married and also am
A virgin and if it is God's will, that I will save
All of that until I get married.

[ellisb2]

I kinda have a problem like this. I dream about my ex, but I have only seen her once in the last 8 years. We never had sex, but dated for 3 years. My wife tells me not to worry about it that dreams don't mean much and you can't control them. They are so clear and feel so real they really mess with me. We have sex in my dreams and act like husband and wife etc. Is it cheating, lust, sin?

[~InHisHands~]

Well...as your wife said...we can't control what we dream about. However, maybe what we fill our head with before bed might make a difference.

[UBERROGO]

To me I think your problem is that you fell in love with these women more than that you had sex with them. I cant find the verse at the moment but I remember hearing a verse about guarding your heart and it was in this context I think.

[~InHisHands~]

I think that is just part of it though UB. :)

[UBERROGO]

I think that is just part of it though UB. :)
It is just part of it, although it is a substantial part IMO.

[~InHisHands~]

Maybe so. But there is a great deal out there to guard our hearts from.

[UBERROGO]

Then we agree.

[No Swansong]

Does anyone here struggle with memories of old flames?

Unfortunately, I was not a good christian at first. I was saved at age 12 and baptized the same year. I did not grow up in a very devout christian home. We went to church and did the Sunday thing, but the rest of the week there was no mention of church.

At age 16, I lost my virginity to the girl across the street. She had moved in that summer and we hit it off as friends. Myself and my bestfriend played a lot of basketball and so did she. Not long after meeting her, we ended up closer and one thing led to another. She was already experienced in such things and I was not, so naturally, she dumped me after a month or so. She did not go to my same school, so once school started, I did not see her much anymore. I ended up with another girlfirend and loved her very much, but we did not go that far sexually. I would have married her had I not left for the military and met my wife. We were not as good, but we ended up married, so I always told myself it was okay.

We now live in the house I grew up in and that same girl's parents still live across the street. I see glimpses of her a lot since she is there daily. She is married and has kids as do I. But, I can't help thinking that what I did ruined my intimate relationship with my wife. My wife has only been with me, so she cannot relate. I see this other girl, woman now, daily, but I have not spoken to her in over 10 years. It is hard to get it out of my mind with the constant reminder. She is not a christian or at least was not then, so I wonder if it effects her at all?

The other girl after her became a missionary and is now married. I have not seen her in over 12 years, but I still hold a special place in my heart for her. I loved her and that is not something that goes away. I do not regret marrying my wife at all. I love her and my family very much. I just onder if old flames and stupid experiences ruined something for me and my wife.

I can see now how important it is to remain a virgin until marriage. That includes influences from the media and other secular images. It really ruins the sanctity of the marriage bed. We cannot help but see all the sexually explicit images daily. It is everwhere, in the newspapers, tv, billboards, magazines, work, etc!

How does one get those memories and experiences out of mind and press forward? I have asked God for forgiveness for that time in my life and I know He has forgiven me. I know He has forgotten about it, but I cannot seem to.

Any advice?

God Bless!
My friend;
At right around your age I had much the same problem. I had been married for 8 years at that point, I had unfortunately made the same decisions about pre-marital sex as you, I was in a position to see one ex who I had a very passionate relationship with on an ongoing basis. And I had a lot of the what if? issues that you are having. Besides that I had even more of the what if's. You know what if I had not married my wife? What if I had an affair? etc.

I do honesly believe it has something to do with age. At a certain point in most marriages some amount of second guessing comes into the picture. From what I have read this is pretty normal and it varies in intensity and longevity. The question of course for a Christian is "what do I do about it"?

As a man married now for over 20 years I can't tell you that it passes, but I can tell you that it eases. At least with me it eased over time. I was honest with my wife, (well not initially but eventually) I sought out the counsel of older and more experienced men of God. I prayed alot (sometimes wondering if God heard or cared) But I also took action; I ended the situation in which I had constant contact with the ex, There is wisdom by the way in the earlier statement by the poster who said stop looking across the street. I purposely, everyday, found something about my wife to appreciate and thank God for, I purposely turned any thoughts of "what if" into passionate gestures towards my wife. I chose everday to Love my wife. Don't give up my young friend, a long, loving, Christian marriage is worth the effort. (I am not implying that you think otherwise)

For those of you who have not given in as I did. Please do not. Please stay strong. I would have loved to have presented myself "pure" to my wife on our wedding night. It is a gift that I can never give her.

[holyfamily]

How does one get those memories and experiences out of mind and press forward?

Any advice?

God Bless!

I believe the first thing to accept is that you are not going to forget about them and what happenned. The important thing now is to focus on the future. Your future with Jesus, your wife and your children.

Most importantly, I believe that forgiveness is the key to letting it go. You need to forgive the girl you had sex with and you need to forgive yourself. Realize that you are human and humans make mistakes. But also realize that God gives us the Grace to overcome. He never gives us more than we can handle. Every cross that we bear in this life is a way of sharing in the passion of Christ. Focus your energy on Gods Grace and forgive yourself.

Peace in Christ

[Flynmonkie]

I hold dear every happy positive memory of every person that passes through my life. So I have continual reminders of different people everywhere I go. I believe this is what is called being a romanticist. I did not have a lot of dating time, I had three "boyfriends" in my life, the third I met at 16 and married at 18, and then he left when I was 25. I stayed single (I had children) until marrying my now husband 6 years later. We never dated, we were always just friends, somehow that changed after 6 years. I have many friends that I spent time with (not sleeping around thank you!). One of my male friends stopped by to see my husband and I out of the blue just yesterday. I always remain on good terms if be it at all possible. That same friend comes to me to ask me questions about God, the Bible, his faith and other moral decisions he has to make in his life. But he knew me during a time I did not believe the Bible was true, I believed in God, but could not figure how to reach him. Needless to say, my life became a ministry to Him and other friends. It is now that I realized God used me like that! He continues to use me, even through my mistakes.

Something I think you should think about. You have repented your mistakes with your past. If you believe God forgives, it is very important to let it go. I believe guilt may cause a barrier between you and God. We are taught that when God forgives, it is forgotten, remembered no more. This means you too. Yes, you made a poor choice, however you’ve learned from that poor choice, you need to move on. You need to allow God to forgive you; did you know that it is actually a sin not to allow God to forgive you. I know what it means to make mistakes, I am not a cheater but other mistakes that if held on to out of shame, even when you don't realize it, could subconsciously build a block in your relationship with God. Leaving a question of your worthiness. We are none worthy, He has already told us this. He wants to see a true repentant heart, once that happens he wants us to "forget" as a parent would to a child that makes a whopping mistake, you move on. So let your mistake go, find what is positive in it and grow in your relationship with God through this experience. But on the same note, God wants you to know everything about our flesh; our mistakes are forgiven (consequence is something else and consequences are NOT to harbor guilt over mistakes). If you feel guilty, you are not trusting that God will take that sin and wash you clean. Eventually, like a child to a parent when he has done wrong, it becomes a barrier to communication. Does that make sense?

And when you see her across the street - say a prayer that God will guide her to better decisions and seek blessings for her through prayer. Don't look her as a reminder, look at her as an opportunity to share the joy you now know in your life. And keep relishing those positive memories of those in your life, no matter.

As far as your feelings that you have “ruined” it with your wife, No you have not. You and she have never had a marriage or a relationship. God made you a new person that moment of the covenant of marriage. A fresh white clean start! Put the past where it belongs and celebrate this new blessing God has given you. Meanwhile, be honest with your wife about your feelings and thoughts, you just might be surprised on how your relationship will grow by doing so.:prayer:

[christian73]

Flynmonkie, I agree with what you said. However, the hardest person to forgive is yourself. I used to sing in a concert ministry. We used a 6-foot wooden cross for the invitation. Each person got a small piece of paper when they walked in. The leader would talk about forgiveness and how the lack of it stands in the way of your relationship with God. He would tell the congregation that if there's someone you need to forgive, to write "I forgive __________" (the person's first name in the blank). Then they had to go to the cross and nail the paper to it. You would be amazed at the number of people who wrote "I forgive myself".

It's a hard thing to do, and I believe it's because satan tries to convince us that we won't ever be right with God again.

There comes a point, DiscipleofIAm, when you need to "nail it to the cross" (symbolically) and give it to Jesus. When satan tries to throw it in your face, tell him you gave it to Jesus.

I hope this helps. :)

[Flynmonkie]

Christian 73 Amen! No sir, Satan doesn't want it to be easy. This is why it is called "spiritual warfare." I guess that is why I wanted to express that. We love God so much, and we want to please Him, so those moments where we make poor judgments and realize how much of a mistake it was. At that moment we feel shameful. Now I am not saying sin all you want and get a "get into heaven free card" but you already know that. What I am saying is God is not sitting in heaven going "whoops your saved, now your dammed, yeah, well.. I guess your saved again etc.." every time you make a mistake.! :doh:

This is part of growing in our walk; the remorse (shame) you feel is repentance. God knows your heart; He knows you are sad for these actions. As we grow we start to recognize sinful habits or actions and we work to put away those things. Or "working OUT" our salvation. Many people when accepting Christ feel they need to "work" for salvation. This is not the case. They think that they have to be perfect to keep their salvation!! First of all we taught we are imperfect in our flesh, Paul’s struggles show us this. God knows we are going to screw up in that imperfection, but what I believe He wants is for us to recognize and grow from those mistakes. People should remember.. Christs blood is sufficient for ALL your sins past present and future.. Satan waits for those moments of doubt to get His foot in the door..and by not forgiving yourself, that is giving Satan the open door to doubt..!! Don’t do that!:prayer:

[~InHisHands~]

Just stop looking across the street and start looking at your wife. ~Warm smile~

[JPPT1974]

Flynmonkie, I agree with what you said. However, the hardest person to forgive is yourself. I used to sing in a concert ministry. We used a 6-foot wooden cross for the invitation. Each person got a small piece of paper when they walked in. The leader would talk about forgiveness and how the lack of it stands in the way of your relationship with God. He would tell the congregation that if there's someone you need to forgive, to write "I forgive __________" (the person's first name in the blank). Then they had to go to the cross and nail the paper to it. You would be amazed at the number of people who wrote "I forgive myself".

It's a hard thing to do, and I believe it's because satan tries to convince us that we won't ever be right with God again.

There comes a point, DiscipleofIAm, when you need to "nail it to the cross" (symbolically) and give it to Jesus. When satan tries to throw it in your face, tell him you gave it to Jesus.

I hope this helps. :)

As a single person myself, I never had to
Deal with adultery nor hopefully I won't have to
Or else I would be kicking myself in the foot
But what is great about Christ is that we can
Start all over again and that we can be renewed in Him
He forgives us and cleanses us from within.
Good point my friend!:thumbsup:

[FallingWaters]

Does anyone here struggle with memories of old flames?

Unfortunately, I was not a good christian at first. I was saved at age 12 and baptized the same year. I did not grow up in a very devout christian home. We went to church and did the Sunday thing, but the rest of the week there was no mention of church.

At age 16, I lost my virginity to the girl across the street. She had moved in that summer and we hit it off as friends. Myself and my bestfriend played a lot of basketball and so did she. Not long after meeting her, we ended up closer and one thing led to another. She was already experienced in such things and I was not, so naturally, she dumped me after a month or so. She did not go to my same school, so once school started, I did not see her much anymore. I ended up with another girlfirend and loved her very much, but we did not go that far sexually. I would have married her had I not left for the military and met my wife. We were not as good, but we ended up married, so I always told myself it was okay.

We now live in the house I grew up in and that same girl's parents still live across the street. I see glimpses of her a lot since she is there daily. She is married and has kids as do I. But, I can't help thinking that what I did ruined my intimate relationship with my wife. My wife has only been with me, so she cannot relate. I see this other girl, woman now, daily, but I have not spoken to her in over 10 years. It is hard to get it out of my mind with the constant reminder. She is not a christian or at least was not then, so I wonder if it effects her at all?

The other girl after her became a missionary and is now married. I have not seen her in over 12 years, but I still hold a special place in my heart for her. I loved her and that is not something that goes away. I do not regret marrying my wife at all. I love her and my family very much. I just onder if old flames and stupid experiences ruined something for me and my wife.

I can see now how important it is to remain a virgin until marriage. That includes influences from the media and other secular images. It really ruins the sanctity of the marriage bed. We cannot help but see all the sexually explicit images daily. It is everwhere, in the newspapers, tv, billboards, magazines, work, etc!

How does one get those memories and experiences out of mind and press forward? I have asked God for forgiveness for that time in my life and I know He has forgiven me. I know He has forgotten about it, but I cannot seem to.

Any advice?

God Bless!I have struggled with old flames, too. Of course, I can imagine your difficulty at seeing her frequently. I come from a Charismastic background, so I don't know how "weird" this is going to sound to you, but I had to repent of my past emotional bonds (soul-ties) that I made with other guys and renounce them as sin. I received God's forgiveness, and I felt instant healing.


When I was in the 1st 2nd and 3rd grade I was "in love" with the boy across the street. One day, all the older kids of the neighborhood made a pretend wedding for us. I knew in my head it was just pretend, but even when we were older and he didn't like me any more, I still felt like he had broken a promise to me.

When I was in my 30's, I went through Prayer Counseling ministry and I was led, as I said, to repent, renounce, ask forgiveness. I felt forgiven, and while we were still praying, I began to cry because I felt as though I had "lost something". The bond was broken.

I recommend you try that, and let me know how it goes.

[Pepperoni]

Does anyone here struggle with memories of old flames?

I can't say I've struggled with old flames . . . OK, maybe one or two if I had to be honest. Unfortunately, in my younger days I got involved with a lot of people I shouldn't have, and put myself in situations I shouldn't have, so most of those "old flames" I'm saying "good riddance!" But like I said, there are a couple . . .

Much like you, DiscipleofIam, it's not that I wish I was with these people or anything like that, I think it's more of a curiosity. In my case, last year I thought I found an e-mail address of someone I was close to once . . . and I even went so far as to send an e-mail but it came back to me so apparently the e-mail was no longer valid. So the person never got it. But I had no alterior motive, I was going through a reflective period in my life and thinking about all the people I had known over the years and how they have shaped who I have become as a person. When I attempted to contact this person, I only wanted to know if this person was happy and what they had done with their life. I had absolutely no intention of seeing them or "hooking up", on any level.

So is it possible that you're not so much "pining away" or "living in the past" as maybe you're just curious? I wonder if chatting with her would help, although I'm not sure how you would manage that. Maybe you just need some closure. Or maybe I'm way off base, but I just thought I'd put it out there.

That said, I think this is an interesting concept:
When I was in my 30's, I went through Prayer Counseling ministry and I was led, as I said, to repent, renounce, ask forgiveness. I felt forgiven, and while we were still praying, I began to cry because I felt as though I had "lost something". The bond was broken.

[AtlasDM]

I don't have any old flames but I do have regrets. When I was 15 I was living in a friends house after being displaced by a house fire. One day, while I was there alone, his cousin came over and we ended up having sex. I had only known her for one day and after that I haven't seen her since. At the time, I thought it was pretty cool that as a freshman in high school I "hooked up" with a senior.

The next year, as a sophomore, I met the girl that later became my wife. We had a rough start, neither of us were in the Spirit but eventually we got on track and went from having sex every day to having none during the year leading up to our marriage.

Every once in a while I look back on those time and I regret them, but then I don't feel so bad because I know the Lord delivered me from them and made me stronger in faith.

Look at where you were then and compare it to where you are now. You've been delivered from a life of sexual sin and now you live in the sanctity of marriage. That's something to be thankful for.

[bigRedhead]

Does anyone here struggle with memories of old flames?

!

I struggle with my old "flames" from the past. THe bigest thing that I struggle with is the want to go back to them and ask for forgiveness from them for things that I did to them, and let them know that I still think of them as friends.

I was not saved untill about 4 years ago now, and lived a rather sin filled life, in many areas, and feel (deep down) that I need to "make amends" with them.

Am I wrong in thinking this?

[Pepperoni]

I struggle with my old "flames" from the past. THe bigest thing that I struggle with is the want to go back to them and ask for forgiveness from them for things that I did to them, and let them know that I still think of them as friends.

I was not saved untill about 4 years ago now, and lived a rather sin filled life, in many areas, and feel (deep down) that I need to "make amends" with them.

Am I wrong in thinking this?


This makes perfect sense to me. Kindof goes along with the whole notion of "closure" that I mentioned in this post:
http://www.christianforums.com/showpost.php?p=29362391&postcount=28


And this:
. . . the hardest person to forgive is yourself . . .

is VERY true!! Personally, I will probably always struggle with that.