Ending friendships

[zebu]

How can you end a friendship with someone without them hating you or without Christianity looking bad? The thing is, my priest told me that I am not allowed to talk to a friend of mine anymore because she's a bad influence apparently. This was like a month and a half ago, and we still hang out. I just came back from her dorm now in fact, and it was bad. I know I shouldn't talk to her, but what can I say so that things don't get all messy?? I can't say "My priest says I can't talk to you anymore because of X" because that just sounds weird...

[MariaRegina]

Talk to your priest. Maybe he will suggest the right words.

You want to say something that might change her way of thinking .... maybe lead her to the Lord.

Pray and then ask your priest.

[authiodionitist]

Yeah, talk to your priest. It's tricky - especially for us young folk. I've done both extremes - telling someone off then never speaking again, and blowing someone off. Both are unwise choices, I learned.

Pray and seek the wisdom of your priest.

[OnTheWay]

I think the best way to frame such a converstation is to keep it focused on you. If you walk up and say, "because you're such a sinner I'm not allowed to hang out with you," of course it's going to look like judgement. What I would suggest is saying, "because I don't want ______ behaviors to impact me and my faith I'm not going to be able to hang out with you as much anymore." Or you may not need to say anything at all, just busy yourself else where and you'll find you naturally drift apart.

[Akathist]

How can you end a friendship with someone without them hating you or without Christianity looking bad? The thing is, my priest told me that I am not allowed to talk to a friend of mine anymore because she's a bad influence apparently. This was like a month and a half ago, and we still hang out. I just came back from her dorm now in fact, and it was bad. I know I shouldn't talk to her, but what can I say so that things don't get all messy?? I can't say "My priest says I can't talk to you anymore because of X" because that just sounds weird...

My suggestion is that you pray for this person before you do anything.

The next suggestion is that you are always kind to her. Do not speak to her about her failings or how she is a bad influence.

Instead, just become more busy with prayers and bible reading and friends that have a better influence on you and if she wants to hang out, tell her you can't as you are busy. (And be busy then with bible study, prayer, reading, homework, housework, etc.)

If she calls you and you have caller ID, don't take the call. Then if she leaves a message try to call back when you think she is likely to be out. But pray before calling her back to stay strong and to tell her that you are really busy right now and can't talk.

Absence does not make the heart grow stronger. The less contact you have with her the more you two will grow apart and she will focos on other friends.

If she really insists on seeing you, offer to take her to a DL or a Vespers service or an OCA meeting, something Orthodox and with a crowd. If being involved in these activities interest her, then maybe the ways she is a bad influence on you will fade with time. But if she has no interest in doing these things, she will make an excuse to not go.

Summary: be too busy to talk, too busy to get together except for her to join you at church.

[MariaRegina]

My suggestion is that you pray for this person before you do anything.

The next suggestion is that you are always kind to her. Do not speak to her about her failings or how she is a bad influence.

Instead, just become more busy with prayers and bible reading and friends that have a better influence on you and if she wants to hang out, tell her you can't as you are busy. (And be busy then with bible study, prayer, reading, homework, housework, etc.)

If she calls you and you have caller ID, don't take the call. Then if she leaves a message try to call back when you think she is likely to be out. But pray before calling her back to stay strong and to tell her that you are really busy right now and can't talk.

Absence does not make the heart grow stronger. The less contact you have with her the more you two will grow apart and she will focos on other friends.

If she really insists on seeing you, offer to take her to a DL or a Vespers service or an OCA meeting, something Orthodox and with a crowd. If being involved in these activities interest her, then maybe the ways she is a bad influence on you will fade with time. But if she has no interest in doing these things, she will make an excuse to not go.

Summary: be too busy to talk, too busy to get together except for her to join you at church.
Good idea ... but talk with the priest first.

If she comes to the church, she may be a source of temptation for someone else.

[zebu]

Thanks everyone, all that advice sounds pretty solid. I already did ask my priest though, and his advice wasn't that great. Well, more it is just hard to go up to someone and say "(Name), I don't approve of what you do, and we can't talk anymore unless you decide to change right now."

I do pray for her. I think I need to avoid her. But it's hard to avoid someone when they live 1 floor above you and can just come to your room and say hey. But I will figure it out.

[MariaRegina]

Just start studying extra hard. When she asks, just say that you really have to study.

If you are behind, then you do have a good excuse.

If you are caught up, then do some extra studying on Orthodoxy. Ask your priest for an assignment.

[authiodionitist]

Dude, I was an RA and this was super tough for me to figure out. But it's part of our struggle for salvation.

"Live in the tension" as my philosophy professor used to say. The tension of being a sinner seeking salvation, a sinner seeking to save the world.

[Akathist]

Lock your room door so she can't just walk in. (When I was in the dorm (sometime after the ice ages... he he), we had people who would knock on their way into the room and just plob down on a chair no matter if we were trying to finish a term paper or not.

That is when I started to lock my dorm room door and put a "do not disturb, studying now" sign on it.

If your Priest told you to speak to her, then maybe you need to do that. NEVER EVER take anything I say over that of your Priest.

[irishseventysix]

For what it's worth,

I've had to do this a few times before, especially with my immediate family.

Keep in mind that your safety is no less important than her feelings are. You are responsible first for your own spiritual state, safety, and health. It's not your job to take care of her to your detriment. You're actually doing her no favors at all by continuing in the unhealthiness of this relationship, whatever it is.

That said, the choices you make will affect her. But you don't have to point to your priest or beliefs as the reason to set up the boundaries that you need to. If this relationship really isn't good for you, it would probably be best to speak on your own behalf...not on the behalf of Orthodoxy. Your needs and your health are important.

Orthodoxy isn't in need of expressing its need for distance from her. You are. Big difference there.

If you want the words, I can suggest a few. Something like, "I have valued our friendship for a long time, but lately, it's become very unhealthy. So I have to step back from our relationship. This isn't easy for me, and I'm sorry if it hurts you because that's the last thing I want to do. But for my sake and for yours, I need to step back indefinitely and work through some things." If she wants to argue or retaliate, don't engage her.

She will probably be hurt. And you'll hurt for the loss of your friendship. But it's better for you hurt while walking the path of salvation than to continue in something that will endanger or do more damage to your soul and hers for "her sake".

I hope this helps. If not, forgive me.