CrimsonCryer1986
22nd October 2006, 12:59 PM
I'm not even really sure actually how to post this or if this is even the right forum for this, but anyway, here it is in a nutshell...
I have been hurt a lot by church people. Some of the hurt, I think, in a way, I was asking for, because I actually started attending Sunday services and joined a certain church because I had been going to their Wednesday night youth service and I met a guy who I liked and we started dating. But then one Sunday, out of the blue, he breaks up with me (we had been together almost 2 years.) I was heart-broken. I loved him... I thought he loved me. He called me his angel and said we were soulmates...that we were gonna always be together.
But looking back, I see tht throughout much of our relationship, he kinda did some things that I think may be considered emotional and/or mental abuse. He always acted sorta "holier than thou" and talked to me as if God was speaking through him, by saying "my daughter" and all kinds of crap like that. He also always said "God said" or "God told me." And if I ever tried to confront him and say that I had heard something different or whatever, he just became very defensive and starting a huge agrument.
Eventually, I actually started to think that I couldn't hear from God, and I believed everythinghe said because "God said" it and God doesn't lie, right? I remember one time in particular when our pastor was preaching on hearing the voice of Go and he basically said that no one hears from God all the time, and if people say they do, there's something wrong (spiritually). I tried to confront (talk to) my bf about it after service and he (of course) got very defensive, and literally said, "Well, pastor must be wrong"
And after we broke up, going to church and seeing him with (or without) other girls became very akward and uncomfortable.
A few years later, I met another (at the same church) and we dated for all of 2 weeks, but I still have feelings for him too, so yea......
Oh and also, I have been hurt by (well meaning, I'm sure) people who would pray for me at the alter to be healed (I have cerebral palsy) and we would get up and start walking back and forth (with me holding their hands)... when they let go of my hands and I tried to take a step I'd fall. So after service when I got back in my wheelchair or whatever, they (or even someone else) would act like (if they didn't come right out and say it) that God didn't completely heal me because I didn't have enough faith or want it bad enough.
I guess I wrote all that to say this, I am hurting, but don't want to bother people with all my pathetic problems, because I have heard all my life that "people don't like being around people are always depressed and whatever." I can't help it. I hate myself!!! I hate my life!!! I have absolutely no friends. I have had "friends" who end up just giving up on me, because they get sick of dealing with me (I guess). So, I haven't been to any church in a really long time.
I feel like God has given up on me too. I am to the point where I am about ready to give up too. I am sick of letting people down and disappointed them!!!
Wow this post is really long. Sorry to bother ya'll and clutter up the board with my pathetic rant. Mods, feel free to delete if ya want.
I have been hurt a lot by church people. Some of the hurt, I think, in a way, I was asking for, because I actually started attending Sunday services and joined a certain church because I had been going to their Wednesday night youth service and I met a guy who I liked and we started dating. But then one Sunday, out of the blue, he breaks up with me (we had been together almost 2 years.) I was heart-broken. I loved him... I thought he loved me. He called me his angel and said we were soulmates...that we were gonna always be together.
But looking back, I see tht throughout much of our relationship, he kinda did some things that I think may be considered emotional and/or mental abuse. He always acted sorta "holier than thou" and talked to me as if God was speaking through him, by saying "my daughter" and all kinds of crap like that. He also always said "God said" or "God told me." And if I ever tried to confront him and say that I had heard something different or whatever, he just became very defensive and starting a huge agrument.
Eventually, I actually started to think that I couldn't hear from God, and I believed everythinghe said because "God said" it and God doesn't lie, right? I remember one time in particular when our pastor was preaching on hearing the voice of Go and he basically said that no one hears from God all the time, and if people say they do, there's something wrong (spiritually). I tried to confront (talk to) my bf about it after service and he (of course) got very defensive, and literally said, "Well, pastor must be wrong"
And after we broke up, going to church and seeing him with (or without) other girls became very akward and uncomfortable.
A few years later, I met another (at the same church) and we dated for all of 2 weeks, but I still have feelings for him too, so yea......
Oh and also, I have been hurt by (well meaning, I'm sure) people who would pray for me at the alter to be healed (I have cerebral palsy) and we would get up and start walking back and forth (with me holding their hands)... when they let go of my hands and I tried to take a step I'd fall. So after service when I got back in my wheelchair or whatever, they (or even someone else) would act like (if they didn't come right out and say it) that God didn't completely heal me because I didn't have enough faith or want it bad enough.
I guess I wrote all that to say this, I am hurting, but don't want to bother people with all my pathetic problems, because I have heard all my life that "people don't like being around people are always depressed and whatever." I can't help it. I hate myself!!! I hate my life!!! I have absolutely no friends. I have had "friends" who end up just giving up on me, because they get sick of dealing with me (I guess). So, I haven't been to any church in a really long time.
I feel like God has given up on me too. I am to the point where I am about ready to give up too. I am sick of letting people down and disappointed them!!!
Wow this post is really long. Sorry to bother ya'll and clutter up the board with my pathetic rant. Mods, feel free to delete if ya want.