Co-habitation prior to marriage

[DedicatedLittleFaith]

Any thoughts on this?

[kenrapoza]

I think the best wisdom is to avoid it for a few reasons.

1.) The bible teaches us to avoid even the appearance of immorality. People generally assume that when people are living together they are sleeping together.

2.) Many people cannot avoid the sexual temptation and it would be putting them in a position where they may compromise their convictions, or make it difficult for them to serve God with a clean conscience.

3.) It is almost like living as husband and wife without having made that pledge before God.

With that being said, I wouldn't say that there aren't certain circumstances that shouldn't be considered. Nor am I saying that it is always sin for a man and a woman to share the same residence before marriage. But I do believe that it is a very delicate situation and is generally not the first choice for honoring God, it is usually more of a concession due to extenuating circumstances.

[bithiah2]

Any thoughts on this?
a lot of people do it because they feel that it is the only way to get to know a person "you never know a man/woman until you live with them"...but i could live with a man 20 years and we should still be learning each other. we are all on our best behaviour at first anyway.
maybe it is because they want to find out if they really want to be married but living with someone is not the same as being married to them.
for me, if i am going to do everything a wife does, and you are going to get everything a husband gets, then you need to marry me so i get all of your money when you leave or die.
:thumbsup:
bithiah2

[HowardDean]

I did this years ago. I moved across country and was intending to marry this man. He lived with his parents, and was Lds. This is why we did not fall into sin. Women can be stupid and give in but an lds man will not even attempt anything untoward. This is just my experience here.
We didn't marry, but it shows it Can work without immorality.

[Randi]

Avoid the appearance of evil...that sums it up, for me at least. :)

[HowardDean]

Not me. Theres always some "church lady" type who will consider anything an appearanc eof sin and we are not to live our lives according to what others think. Thats their problem.

[Amisk]

Not me. Theres always some "church lady" type who will consider anything an appearance of sin and we are not to live our lives according to what others think. Thats their problem.


Wrong thinking Brother.

It wasn't some little old lady who warned us that we should avoid the very appearance of evil. It was the Holy Spirit inspiring the Apostle Paul that gave the command.

As for it being "their problem", that was Cain's attitude in dealing with his brother Abel and God didn't seem to agree with Cain. :)

[DedicatedLittleFaith]

Any thoughts on this?
Well I asked to get some feedback, as I have been put in a delicate situation. My fiancé and I had been living apart until this past summer; when stressful and extenuating circumstances made us consider co-habitation. We did not see the harm in that, we were already engaged and had pledged our lives to each other.

Now our pastors our refusing to bless our wedding because of this "appearance of evil" thingy. We will be in seperate bedrooms and God will know we are on our best behaviour,,,, but I guess other people's perspective on things is more important??:scratch:

[mont974x4]

hmmm what constitutes a marriage?

legal paperwork from a givernment agency?
common law marriage?
a ceremony? if so what kind?
Is a JP good enough or does it have to be in a church? led by a trained minister?
simply having sex? just once or consistent monogamous sex?
acting as a family? with or without kids?

[New_Wineskin]

hmmm what constitutes a marriage?

legal paperwork from a givernment agency?
common law marriage?
a ceremony? if so what kind?
Is a JP good enough or does it have to be in a church? led by a trained minister?
simply having sex? just once or consistent monogamous sex?
acting as a family? with or without kids?

Good questions . A piece of paper doesn't mean that there is a marraige . A piece of papr doesn't mean that there no longer is a marraige , either .

[mont974x4]

This issue is rather dear to me. My church removed my father-in-law from the membership due to him living with his fiance.

I asked those equestions of them awhile back and got the same response I just got "well those are good questions".

Officially he was removed from the membership because he left of his own free will....after being confronted with the living in sin issue.

From my own experience, I would warn strongly against it. My marriage is quite strong and I would classify it as a good one.......after the first few years of very hard times. I often wonder what would have been diferent if we had waited until we were married and my heart aches at the damage our sin has brought.

Praise God He has forgiven us and restored and continues to richly bless us.

[DedicatedLittleFaith]

Praise God He has forgiven us and restored and continues to richly bless us.

Amen :amen:

From my stand point, I agree with you that it is not recommended. However, Jesus Himslef said Love is beyond Law. We know our hearts are true. And we are extremely frustrated by the hypocrisy (no one can deny this) that we are being viewed as these horrible sinners,,, and in a few months once we are legally married, we will be seen as good God-Honoring Christians.

I had begun the process of becoming a member of my church and have put this on hold for obvious reasons. My membership would be refused today,,, and if I ask next year once I am married,,, I am sure I would be received with open arms.

Am I wrong in seeing this as a tad hypocritical?:scratch:

[mont974x4]

The problem is..how do we resolve the issue of the appearance of evil? Also, next year after you are married and apply for membership you should be prepared to repent of the sin of living together unwed. Again, this is due to the appearance of evil issue.


My father-in-law and his fiance lived together as a matter of practicality....he had an apartment and she needed a place to live and was unemployed. It was suggested that he stay at the local rescue mission, or with someone else, and allow her to have the apartment until they could get married. Even a quick wedding with a JP would have handled the issue.

Sadly, his mind was made up and he was going to do whatever he wanted regardless. He knew he was wrong and didn't care (he even said that).

This is a very complicated issue.

Perhaps looking at 1 Cor 8-10 (concerning the eating of meat sacrificed to idols) would help. We may be free to do certain things but out of love we choose not to so as not to cause others to stumble.


Please understand I am not trying to hammer you. My desire is to look at other options that will encourage righteousness in all parties for His glory.


BTW when I met my wife we were not the people we are today. We were both living in massive rebellion despite being saved years earlier. We knew we were wrong and did what we wanted to anyways.

[firechild]

I think the living together only appears as sin because of people's mindset that no one can resist sex. Living together isn't sin. Nothing is wrong with it. If you are only waiting to get married until you can have a big planned wedding and you know you are committed to God and Each other, I don't think there is anything wrong with it.

Maybe other people here will call me a sinner (but aren't we all) because I live with a man, but I don't believe I am. We haven't slept together, and although people fin that hard to believe, I know it's true.

Jesus did a lot of things that were in fact good that other people of the time saw as evil, and many people have been punished for what appeared to be sin. To avoid the appearance of evil only keeps you from being judged by other people. God knows what is in your heart and your true actions. Your church is making assumptions and I agree that it's hypocritical. Institutions are often like that.

If we are the body of Christ, why don't we accept everyone in their sin or lack of sin? I don't think it's a church's place to deny membership to someone who believes just because it may appear to others that they are sinners.

*C*

[mont974x4]

Actually the church is to deny membership to those who continue in sin.

I hope to see a thread shortly started by another member on church discipline.

The issue I have is the inconsistency of the discipline.

If you are just waiting for a large ceremony why not do a quick JP thing so as not to create issues and plan the big ceremony for later?

[Randi]

Another problem with living together is that you're living as a family, but you're not one yet. There are intimate things about living together. Living together before you're married is like getting part of a marriage without even making it official or being worthy of it yet.

I agree with the above post...why not go ahead and get married and then have the ceremony later? That's what my dad, as the minister of the church we attend, always encourages couples to do if they plan on living together.

[HowardDean]

Because the marriage itself it what it is and any ceremony is jsut a reenactment. I got married at the Justice of the Peace, and it was beautiful and moving to me (he was a good justice). Thats what I would remember.

And it isn't a sin to live in the same house. My husband and i had a woman live with us a short time and there was no sex going on.

[ROGER459]

(Luke 6:46) And why call ye me [JESUS], Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?

(1Thessalonians 4:3-4-5) For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication:
(1Th 4:4) That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour;
(1Th 4:5) Not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God:

(James 1:22) But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves.

Thanks, Roger459

[GraceLikeRainFallsDown]

Any thoughts on this?

I made the mistake of living with my husband before we were married. Circumstances created the situation and we did not see the harm since we were to be married shortly.

I would not do it again. It was a sin for me and their have been consequences.

We have a fine marriage of over 14 years, but looking back I can see the problems it created. I would not advise it based on my own experience.

May God bless you and your fiance and give you wisdom in the situation.

[JVarner83]

Actually the church is to deny membership to those who continue in sin.

I hope to see a thread shortly started by another member on church discipline.

The issue I have is the inconsistency of the discipline.

If you are just waiting for a large ceremony why not do a quick JP thing so as not to create issues and plan the big ceremony for later?


Your not even fit to judge, none of us are.

[mont974x4]

Your not even fit to judge, none of us are.

If we are looking at "judge" as condemnation then you are right. If we are biblically discerning sin and holding each other accountable then yes we are.

[mact]

Well I asked to get some feedback, as I have been put in a delicate situation. My fiancé and I had been living apart until this past summer; when stressful and extenuating circumstances made us consider co-habitation. We did not see the harm in that, we were already engaged and had pledged our lives to each other.

Now our pastors our refusing to bless our wedding because of this "appearance of evil" thingy. We will be in seperate bedrooms and God will know we are on our best behaviour,,,, but I guess other people's perspective on things is more important??:scratch:
AMEN for your pastor having the guts to stand on God's word. That is very rare.

I was completly celebate for 4 years after becoming a Christian, I dated my now wife, never put ourselves in a postion where we might fall into sin, never were alone in our apartments together, never "made out", and we didn't stay to long at our wedding reception :)

We have been married 11 years and we are both SO grateful for the direction we were given and the commitment to God we both had. It has gotten us over many a rough spots.
IN HIM
Rick

[HowardDean]

A deacon at my former church lived with his wife a short time before they married. I am sure nothing happened. Pastors should know their congregation and understand.
I also lived with someone before marriage, though we called off the marriage, we were never tempted.
I guess it depends how Christ-like the man is, since it seems women are easily led into sin (I am sorry, from my experience it is true).
We don't know this couple and I don't presume on whether anyone is fornicating or not.

[ROGER459]

(Jam 1:22) But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves.

DID ANYONE MISS THIS.....?

Thanks, Roger459

[mact]

(Jam 1:22) But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves.

DID ANYONE MISS THIS.....?

Thanks, Roger459


Please elaborate more why you posted this. I agree and think it appropreate, but why did you post it?

[mact]

If we are looking at "judge" as condemnation then you are right. If we are biblically discerning sin and holding each other accountable then yes we are.
You are correct!
Rom 15:14I myself am convinced, my brothers, that you yourselves are full of goodness, complete in knowledge and competent to instruct one another.

[MarkEvan]

Hi, I just wanted to add something that first came to my mind when I read this thread.

In the Lords prayer we are told to pray "lead us not into temptation," now I know many will say, we were not tempted, which only each individual and God will know to be true or not, but the point is that to live together before marriage is putting yourself in a position where you can quite easily be tempted. So why put yourself in that position it seems to me to be a direct contradiction of what we are told to pray for!

Mark :)

[anfolio]

I agree with what someone said earlier - its not ideal but certain circumstances may permit it. Such as extreme financial reasons, maybe one or both members are in school. It is a delicate situation though.

[mact]

I agree with what someone said earlier - its not ideal but certain circumstances may permit it. Such as extreme financial reasons, maybe one or both members are in school. It is a delicate situation though.

I would live in my car before I choose sin. $$ is never an excuse.

[Mling]

Under "normal" circumstances, I don't think it's wise, but, you know, if somebody I love, or like...or, heck, met once and found sort of interesting, ends up being homeless, I've offered up my living quarters in the past, and I'd do it again. Letting them sleep on park benches because I am especially fond of them doesn't make much sense to me.

[mact]

I agree with what someone said earlier - its not ideal but certain circumstances may permit it. Such as extreme financial reasons, maybe one or both members are in school. It is a delicate situation though.

Under "normal" circumstances, I don't think it's wise, but, you know, if somebody I love, or like...or, heck, met once and found sort of interesting, ends up being homeless, I've offered up my living quarters in the past, and I'd do it again. Letting them sleep on park benches because I am especially fond of them doesn't make much sense to me.

Then I would sleep in my car or put them up someplace like a hotel if I could afford it.

[HowardDean]

Under "normal" circumstances, I don't think it's wise, but, you know, if somebody I love, or like...or, heck, met once and found sort of interesting, ends up being homeless, I've offered up my living quarters in the past, and I'd do it again. Letting them sleep on park benches because I am especially fond of them doesn't make much sense to me.

Yes, but if they are a christian, isn't God supposed to provide for them? He doesn't, and we know that.

[kenrapoza]

Yes, but if they are a christian, isn't God supposed to provide for them? He doesn't, and we know that.

I'm not sure what you mean by this post, it looks like you're saying that God doesn't provide for His people? Maybe I am misreading it...

[mont974x4]

Yes, but if they are a christian, isn't God supposed to provide for them? He doesn't, and we know that.


God always provides for His children with exactly what we need. He just doesn't always do it the way we'd like Him too. He knows what we need more than even we know what we need.

[HowardDean]

So since He knows we need clothes but won't give them, then what? We have prayed enough and seen enough people pray with total faith for a good thign according to God, and doesn't happen. Lots of excuses are trotted out, but He doesn't provide for some, others yes, but not all.

[Mling]

"Since Jesus is no longer present in the body, he has no hands but yours, no tongue but yours."

The basic necessities of everybody in the world have been provided. I hardly think we can blame God because humans are holding his gifts hostage.

[HowardDean]

When is the OP getting married anyway?

[whateveristrue]

As already stated; avoid the appearance of evil. Living together before marriage puts you near the edge. And even if you're not sinning, people may think that you are... and yes, it does matter what people think.

However, if you find yourself in a situation where you must live together... set up ground rules, live in separate rooms, and do not sin.