NOTso angry-amy
8th January 2003, 02:22 AM
i was adopted as an older child, for reasons that i cannot discuss. i was adopted into a jewish family, and my parents gave me the choice of converting to jusaism or not. although i didnt know it at the time, i feel that i was seeking their approval by going to the mikvah and converting to judaism. i was 5.
i grew up in the home of 2 loving jewish parents. my father was observant, but his faith was fading. my mother was a cantor at a conservative synagogue. i went to hebrew school on saturday and wednesday. i went to services friday and saturday nights, i had a bat mitzvah at 13 and was confirmed at 15. i was the only jewish girl in a small town, and in high school i joined hillel at the local college. i was active there for a year. friends from high school preached to me a lot, and it drove me insane. i was strong in my faith, and i was not going to stray. their threats of hell were out of my frame of reference. and jesus? just another dude.
in college i worked at the hillel house for a year, but i never got a feeling of acceptance there. i dated all the proper jewish boys, i fasted, i attended services but i fell away. i had been depressed off and on for a greater part of my teen years. sophomore year i has a roommate attempt suicide. i had a 2nd roommate drop out and attempt suicide, and yes there was a 3rd roommate who overdosed and nearly died. the doctors thought it was suicide. what was wrong with me that i drove so many roommates to suicidal idealation? nothing, but try telling me that.
i met this guy who lived downstairs from a buddy. i would go to see him when i had been drinking. he would ask me about truth. i didnt want to listen. i was hurting. i felt like noone loved me (maybe this stemmed back from being adopted).
i met Rose and sharon around campus a few times.... they bribed me to go to this "intervarsity thing" (whatever- "i am not into sports, why would i want to go to intervarsity?). i saw a guy there that was so good looking. i wanted to date him so badly that i went back the next week. soon i was dating this guy (he was a non christian too). i was going to fellowship and singing praise music. it was making me cry. alot. but i had yet to make any connections.
this guy's mom was diagnosed with cancer and once again i was angry. he was leaving me... yet another person letting me down. i tried to make him hate me before he left so i could be hurt and not feel guilty. the night before he left Rose took me to his house. he and i were talking in his room and he said "i know what you are doing and you arent going to make me mad before i leave. i love you, and i always will"
later that night rose and i were having a heart to heart and i was devastated. she pulled me close to her and said "it will be ok. i love you and i always will."
that night i went home and went to bed. i woke up at 4ish in a panic. i had had a horrible nightmare. i was on the cliffs at the beach. i was alone and crying. it was cold. i hears some calling my name. i turned around and asked who was there. they just kept calling my name. i said "listen (insert slew of obscenities), i dont have time for this. who the (insert obsenity) is this?" the response i got was "amy, i love you. i will always love you. accept me into your heart. I am....." i didnt get the last of it. a friend showed me the passage in reference to the great I AM, and i am convinced now that the voice didnt trail off. that was the end of the conversation.
i became a christian right then and there. and my life has forever been changed. that was in april of 2000.
i am not sure why i had the need to tell you all this and i am sure that noone is going to read my whole post, but that is ok....
have a good one.
i grew up in the home of 2 loving jewish parents. my father was observant, but his faith was fading. my mother was a cantor at a conservative synagogue. i went to hebrew school on saturday and wednesday. i went to services friday and saturday nights, i had a bat mitzvah at 13 and was confirmed at 15. i was the only jewish girl in a small town, and in high school i joined hillel at the local college. i was active there for a year. friends from high school preached to me a lot, and it drove me insane. i was strong in my faith, and i was not going to stray. their threats of hell were out of my frame of reference. and jesus? just another dude.
in college i worked at the hillel house for a year, but i never got a feeling of acceptance there. i dated all the proper jewish boys, i fasted, i attended services but i fell away. i had been depressed off and on for a greater part of my teen years. sophomore year i has a roommate attempt suicide. i had a 2nd roommate drop out and attempt suicide, and yes there was a 3rd roommate who overdosed and nearly died. the doctors thought it was suicide. what was wrong with me that i drove so many roommates to suicidal idealation? nothing, but try telling me that.
i met this guy who lived downstairs from a buddy. i would go to see him when i had been drinking. he would ask me about truth. i didnt want to listen. i was hurting. i felt like noone loved me (maybe this stemmed back from being adopted).
i met Rose and sharon around campus a few times.... they bribed me to go to this "intervarsity thing" (whatever- "i am not into sports, why would i want to go to intervarsity?). i saw a guy there that was so good looking. i wanted to date him so badly that i went back the next week. soon i was dating this guy (he was a non christian too). i was going to fellowship and singing praise music. it was making me cry. alot. but i had yet to make any connections.
this guy's mom was diagnosed with cancer and once again i was angry. he was leaving me... yet another person letting me down. i tried to make him hate me before he left so i could be hurt and not feel guilty. the night before he left Rose took me to his house. he and i were talking in his room and he said "i know what you are doing and you arent going to make me mad before i leave. i love you, and i always will"
later that night rose and i were having a heart to heart and i was devastated. she pulled me close to her and said "it will be ok. i love you and i always will."
that night i went home and went to bed. i woke up at 4ish in a panic. i had had a horrible nightmare. i was on the cliffs at the beach. i was alone and crying. it was cold. i hears some calling my name. i turned around and asked who was there. they just kept calling my name. i said "listen (insert slew of obscenities), i dont have time for this. who the (insert obsenity) is this?" the response i got was "amy, i love you. i will always love you. accept me into your heart. I am....." i didnt get the last of it. a friend showed me the passage in reference to the great I AM, and i am convinced now that the voice didnt trail off. that was the end of the conversation.
i became a christian right then and there. and my life has forever been changed. that was in april of 2000.
i am not sure why i had the need to tell you all this and i am sure that noone is going to read my whole post, but that is ok....
have a good one.