An exercise in hospitality

[erin74]

So we have been in our new church for about4 months. We have been invited to other people's houses three times maybe (once last night where we all but invited ourselves), and our assistant has their first invitation today (the same place we went last night). This tells me that maybe hospitality isn't our congregations strong suit. If they aren't inviting the new clergy, there is no way I would assume they were inviting newcomers. Sadly they often don't even talk to the newcomers.

So today we are launching our new approach to hospitality. A bit of background. We think there is a distinction between hospitality and entertaining. Entertaining is about making the other person impressed, which means it's ultimately about me. Hospitality is about the other person and making them feel comfortable. So if that's toasted sandwiches and a less than immaculate house, no problems.

I think the people before us were good at hospitality - too good. I think she naturally made a big effort for people, because this is what she enjoyed doing. However, I think the impact has been that people feel overwhelmed to invite others over - the bar is far too high.

So our approach is a lowering of the bar - to the point of overly lowering the bar. We are not going to make the house immaculate. We have not prepared anything for lunch short of purchasing the ingredients for soup and rolls. We have not invited anyone for lunch yet. Today we will go to church and invite people back to lunch after the service. We will come home and put the soup on. We will give the kids sandwiches with spreads. That's right -we will invite people with little kids at the last minute for lunch.

Next time we may even aim lower than soup - perhaps the toasted sandwhiches, or eggs on toast, or something like that. We are going to aim very low with regard to hospitality and set a new standard - one that we hope will overwhelm nobody, and that all will be able to acheive.

I'll let you know how it goes.

[karen freeinchristman]

Wow, what an interesting approach, Erin! I can't wait to hear how it goes.

I think you are right about those feelings of not ever being able to live up to someone else's level of entertaining, and how that can make people hesitant to be hospitable (which, I agree, has a different meaning).

I used to want to engage in a lot of entertaining, mainly because my Grandmother was the ultimate entertainer, and I felt I wanted to be like that for some reason. I never have been able to even approach her level. I've begun to feel more at ease with focussing on hospitality instead, but I could definitely do with improving on that. It's part of the "Perfectionist" issue that I'm working on.

[erin74]

My mum is great at entertaining. It goes totally against the grain to invite poeple over unprepared. But like anything else, it gets easier with practice.

Well I left breakfast dishes around, and crumbs on the floor.

I had a visitor cut up the pumpkin for the soup. I gave the kids sandwiches and yoghurt - what my kids would have been having anyway.

We had a great afternoon of chatting and played a few games. We had heaps more time to spend with people rather than running around making things right. It was really relaxed.

I noticed that some other people invited people around for dinner after church.

Oh yeah - dh said something in his sermon a fortnight ago and today about practicing hospitality.

So far, it's going well.

[chalice_thunder]

So we have been in our new church for about4 months. We have been invited to other people's houses three times maybe (once last night where we all but invited ourselves), and our assistant has their first invitation today (the same place we went last night). This tells me that maybe hospitality isn't our congregations strong suit. If they aren't inviting the new clergy, there is no way I would assume they were inviting newcomers. Sadly they often don't even talk to the newcomers.

So today we are launching our new approach to hospitality. A bit of background. We think there is a distinction between hospitality and entertaining. Entertaining is about making the other person impressed, which means it's ultimately about me. Hospitality is about the other person and making them feel comfortable. So if that's toasted sandwiches and a less than immaculate house, no problems.

I think the people before us were good at hospitality - too good. I think she naturally made a big effort for people, because this is what she enjoyed doing. However, I think the impact has been that people feel overwhelmed to invite others over - the bar is far too high.

So our approach is a lowering of the bar - to the point of overly lowering the bar. We are not going to make the house immaculate. We have not prepared anything for lunch short of purchasing the ingredients for soup and rolls. We have not invited anyone for lunch yet. Today we will go to church and invite people back to lunch after the service. We will come home and put the soup on. We will give the kids sandwiches with spreads. That's right -we will invite people with little kids at the last minute for lunch.

Next time we may even aim lower than soup - perhaps the toasted sandwhiches, or eggs on toast, or something like that. We are going to aim very low with regard to hospitality and set a new standard - one that we hope will overwhelm nobody, and that all will be able to acheive.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Cool ideas, erin. Three cheers for your Radical hospitality!!!:clap:

[TomUK]

What a great idea!

Let us know how it went.

[junegillam]

Cool ideas, erin. Three cheers for your Radical hospitality!!!:clap:

Radical and reasonable and do-able and loveable--good on ya!

jg

[Called2Grace]

That sounds great!

I wish I could feel more concerned about making people comfortable that what they think of me...(working on that one too)

[gtsecc]

What is the point of hospitality to a Calvinist?
It won't change anything. ;)

[Naomi4Christ]

That's great, Erin.

I hope you are making new friends as well as friendships growing between members of your church.

[erin74]

That's great, Erin.

I hope you are making new friends as well as friendships growing between members of your church.
So do I!!!!

[higgs2]

What is the point of hospitality to a Calvinist?
It won't change anything. ;)
:D It took me a while to get that one.

[higgs2]

Erin, I am very intrigued with your experiment. I look forward to hearing about this coming Sunday. I have been thinking a lot about hospitality vs. entertaining because of your post. I think I needed to hear this! Thank you for sharing this with us.

[erin74]

Well I posted a bit earlier how it went last sunday. This sunday my mum is up, and dh is away, so we won't have visitors.

But so far it's gone well. I think it will take quite a while to get a real gauge - but I'll keep you updated.

I was really struck the first time I heard the idea of a distinction.

Coupled with a challenge to be prepared to be hospitable. Like have a meal in the freezer so you can give it to someone who is sick, or invite someone over. Or have lunch ready to go and go to church with the intention of inviting someone who is new, or who you don't know well - nothing fancy. Keeping biscuit dough in the freezer so you can make something quickly when unexpected guests come (not necessary, but you're less likely to eat them in the meantime that way - I've got a recipe).

And that hospitality doesn't mean having to have someone over to your house. You can go for coffee or lunch together. It's more an attitude of making people feel part of your community of believers. I find encouraging people to the church camp is a good one - once someone comes to a church camp they seem to be so much more a part of things. That whole going away together thing.

That's just off the top of my head from a talk a few years ago... so a bit disjointed...

[higgs2]

Well I posted a bit earlier how it went last sunday. This sunday my mum is up, and dh is away, so we won't have visitors.

But so far it's gone well. I think it will take quite a while to get a real gauge - but I'll keep you updated.

I was really struck the first time I heard the idea of a distinction.

Coupled with a challenge to be prepared to be hospitable. Like have a meal in the freezer so you can give it to someone who is sick, or invite someone over. Or have lunch ready to go and go to church with the intention of inviting someone who is new, or who you don't know well - nothing fancy. Keeping biscuit dough in the freezer so you can make something quickly when unexpected guests come (not necessary, but you're less likely to eat them in the meantime that way - I've got a recipe).

And that hospitality doesn't mean having to have someone over to your house. You can go for coffee or lunch together. It's more an attitude of making people feel part of your community of believers. I find encouraging people to the church camp is a good one - once someone comes to a church camp they seem to be so much more a part of things. That whole going away together thing.

That's just off the top of my head from a talk a few years ago... so a bit disjointed...
This is great stuff. Thank you, keep it coming!

[Father Rick]

Erin...

I love your idea.

When I was in seminary, there was a family from the church I attended who had a standing invitation to all the seminarians at the church to their home for Sunday lunch. It was never fancy-- usually something like spaghetti, sloppy joes, or hot dogs-- but it was so wonderful to have a homecooked meal. Usually about 6 or 7 of us would go over (never the exact same group) eat spaghetti, and lay around on the living room floor either watching a football game or an old movie (depending on what part of the year). It's actually some of my fondest memories from seminary-- and that family will never realize just how great of a ministry they had to the bunch of us.

Of course, they did marry their daughter off to one of the seminarians, so they did have some ulterior motives there.

[junegillam]

This is great stuff. Thank you, keep it coming!
:amen: great ideas to keep in mind for connecting with people, fellowship, loving our neighbors! the ideas help support my attitude, thank you.

[junegillam]

Erin...

I love your idea.

When I was in seminary, there was a family from the church I attended who had a standing invitation to all the seminarians at the church to their home for Sunday lunch. It was never fancy-- usually something like spaghetti, sloppy joes, or hot dogs-- but it was so wonderful to have a homecooked meal. Usually about 6 or 7 of us would go over (never the exact same group) eat spaghetti, and lay around on the living room floor either watching a football game or an old movie (depending on what part of the year). It's actually some of my fondest memories from seminary-- and that family will never realize just how great of a ministry they had to the bunch of us.

Of course, they did marry their daughter off to one of the seminarians, so they did have some ulterior motives there.

LOL on the marrying--as my mom always said: Love is reflected in love.

[erin74]

another one I heard last year.

If a minister contacts someone within a week of them coming to church for the first time, 50% will return.
If a parishoner contacts them then 80% will return.

If someone has not established 6 good friendships within 6 months of starting somewhere they are far less likely to stay at a church.

So - spend the first 5-10 minutes after church talking to someone you don't know or don't know well. On mondays ring someone who you were talking to on sunday, or someone you noticed wasn't there. Or if you aren't good at phonecalls, write them a note. Once a fortnight/month plan to have people around after/before church (depending on what time you go to church). Preferably people you don't know well.

Remember even if your church is good at welcoming brand new faces, take the time to continue welcoming them into your circle of friends. Our church the people might welcome a brand new person, but after they've done it once it's like it is 'too hard' to keep building the friendship. It takes committment to having new relationships to welcome properly. Each new person is a potential new friend, or someone you can encourage in their faith. You don't have to be best friends with every new person who walks through the door, but if just a few people in church have this attitude then it is contageous (spelling?).

I was in a church for years that was known for good welcoming. The funny thing was that 95% of the congregation turned over every 3 years (lots of students). Because people were welcomed well they welcomed others well.

[karen freeinchristman]

another one I heard last year.

If a minister contacts someone within a week of them coming to church for the first time, 50% will return.
If a parishoner contacts them then 80% will return.

If someone has not established 6 good friendships within 6 months of starting somewhere they are far less likely to stay at a church.

So - spend the first 5-10 minutes after church talking to someone you don't know or don't know well. On mondays ring someone who you were talking to on sunday, or someone you noticed wasn't there. Or if you aren't good at phonecalls, write them a note. Once a fortnight/month plan to have people around after/before church (depending on what time you go to church). Preferably people you don't know well.

Remember even if your church is good at welcoming brand new faces, take the time to continue welcoming them into your circle of friends. Our church the people might welcome a brand new person, but after they've done it once it's like it is 'too hard' to keep building the friendship. It takes committment to having new relationships to welcome properly. Each new person is a potential new friend, or someone you can encourage in their faith. You don't have to be best friends with every new person who walks through the door, but if just a few people in church have this attitude then it is contageous (spelling?).

I was in a church for years that was known for good welcoming. The funny thing was that 95% of the congregation turned over every 3 years (lots of students). Because people were welcomed well they welcomed others well.

This is such good stuff. I know I am guilty of not making enough effort in doing these things. :sigh:
My church isn't very good at it, either.

I had heard the one about if a new person doesn't make 6 friends (or at least contacts) within 6 months, they will leave.

[TomUK]

another one I heard last year.

If a minister contacts someone within a week of them coming to church for the first time, 50% will return.


Perhaps the key question is this:

if the minister doesn't call then does that percentage go up or down?!?!

[erin74]

down....

[gtsecc]

What?
Don't folks stay because the theology is sound, and the liturgy helps them worship?
This social element is unavoidable, but it cannot be the reason we go to church. And, what brings us back is the worship, not the coffee hour afterwards. I am baffled.

[Father Rick]

What?
Don't folks stay because the theology is sound, and the liturgy helps them worship?
This social element is unavoidable, but it cannot be the reason we go to church. And, what brings us back is the worship, not the coffee hour afterwards. I am baffled.
While those things are important, they are just part of the puzzle.

Scripture is clear that Christian has 2 different foci-- "love the Lord your God"... AND... "love your neighbor as yourself". Every part of the scriptures shows that our spirituality must be both horizontal (towards God) and vertical (towards our fellow man).

[gtsecc]

While those things are important, they are just part of the puzzle.

Scripture is clear that Christian has 2 different foci-- "love the Lord your God"... AND... "love your neighbor as yourself". Every part of the scriptures shows that our spirituality must be both horizontal (towards God) and vertical (towards our fellow man).


Sure, but we don't choose to worship the God of our favorite nicest neighbors. If my neighbors were the most hospitable and friendly Muslims, Unitarians, or Buddhists – I wouldn’t convert.

We also don't love and chat with our neighbors during worship – nor does it matter if they are in the building or not. All are God’s Children, and that is good enough for me. If I am about the business of hanging out with the fun folks, I have missed God’s call to “love everyone”, and mistaken it to be “love the folks who are cool and fun to be with.“

If the warmth and coolness, and friendliness of the folks mattered, we would just skip church while on vacation in a foreign country, or where a language we understood wasn't spoken. As it is, we can go into any parish in the world, in any language, and receive the sacrament and follow the worship. I suspect if folks go to church for their friends, they tend to skip it when on vacation, especially if it is not in a language they understand.

[erin74]

Not everybody who turns up to church is a committed christian already, and starting at a new church can be daunting for many. You are very fortunate if it isn't for you.

Church is about the community of believers - the family of God, so I think it matters very much if they are in the building or not. I don't just go to church to be with God - I can do that at home. I go to church to be with the family of God, to encourage them, and to love and minister to them, and in turn to be ministered to by them.

I am sure I have not directed this thread as hospitatlity just for those who are fun and cool. Quite the opposite. Our congregation is excellent at supporting one another. It is the people on the fringe, and who are new that they need to work at.

[gtsecc]

I go to church to be with the family of God, to encourage them, and to love and minister to them, and in turn to be ministered to by them.


You and I have a very different emphasis when we go to church then. Would you go to church if you were vacationing in another country, in a language you did not speak, just to worship and receive the sacrament?

What you are talking about, I would call "how to live the faith," but I would not call it worship. make sense? :)

[erin74]

I think worship is what we do every day in living our lives as a reflection of Christ - in obedience to him. It is not something I just do on Sundays.

If I were in another country we would probably try and find a service in English, so that we could understand what was going on - which for us is pretty important. But we would still probably go if we couldnt' understand - but it wouldn't be just to recieve sacraments, and worship God (I can do 'church' with a CD in the car - or two - a sermon one and a music one). I worship God by how I live. If they happened to be doing communion that week, good, if not, no worries.

I would go along to get to spend time with the family of God who I don't normally get to do church with - to experience that as a fellowship of believers. I always take joy in that, despite language differences, I worship the same God as others across the other side of the world. I enjoyed that my home church had a spanish congregation as part of the main congregation. We still worshipped God together, and it was a great encouragement that they were there, and for them that we were there.

Not sure if that answers your question though...

[karen freeinchristman]

I view worship the same way Erin does, I think. It's a whole-life, 24/7 thing, not just Sundays, and not just Holy Communion. Corporate worship, or going to church on Sundays, is to worship together with other Christians, the body of Christ offering worship together. This helps to build us up, and is part of God's purpose in compelling us to come together.

[junegillam]

Father Rick's "Scripture is clear that Christian has 2 different foci-- "love the Lord your God"... AND... "love your neighbor as yourself". Every part of the scriptures shows that our spirituality must be both horizontal (towards God) and vertical (towards our fellow man)." is helpful for me, here.

This is a rich issue, appreciating the posts here.

jg

[higgs2]

To me, worship is something done corporately.

[karen freeinchristman]

Every part of the scriptures shows that our spirituality must be both horizontal (towards God) and vertical (towards our fellow man).

Horizontal would be towards our fellow man, and vertical would be towards God, I would think. :cool:

[junegillam]

Horizontal would be towards our fellow man, and vertical would be towards God, I would think. :cool:
Thanks, Karen, I knew there was something bothering me about those directions *:)

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Just love the notion that we tend to get to where we are pointing ourselves, ya?

Speaking of hospitality, I am having four not-too-close relatives for lunch tomorrow, as guests, not as food *:) and so conscious that the house had to look "just right" (white glove inspection time), that I have spent the last week cleaning; on the other hand, it is a good excuse to do some delayed spring cleaning for ourselves, too.

Sigh. I would love to get past what seems very ego-centered perfectionism and just have a more relaxed hospitable home...

This is a helpful thread for me, I am grateful for the initiator for starting it and for her work with opening her home and offering a meal as part of nourishing the Body of Christ.

jg

[erin74]

I just want to say thank you for all the encouraging remarks on this thread. I had no idea it would have such an impact, and am really glad to share this with you and be encouraged by you.

[karen freeinchristman]

I made a real attempt to put this into practice, yesterday, Erin. I have a couple of friends at church who have adopted two children within the last year, and they are struggling with the stress and exhaustion of looking after two slightly demanding children who have issues stemming from their past. So we asked if those two children could come over to our house and play with my two children (I thought it would be good to give the parents a break). I then thought to myself, why not ask the parents to come over in the evening for a barbeque? I've never had this couple over to my house before, but have wanted to ask them for a long time. I have always got the usual excuses - the weather, the state of the lawn, the house, etc - but I just decided there and then to ask them. And to my joy, they said yes!

I went home and my DH and I tidied up a little (I told him about this thread, and we agreed that we don't need the house and garden to look perfect, but there is still a little tidying to be done, isn't there!). I then decided I would also invite my neighbours and their kids to the barbecue, too (they are agnostic).

We ended up having a great time, and just having this thread in the back of my mind (letting go of my perfectionist attitude) helped me to relax and enjoy and be much more hospitable in the process! And my agnostic neighbours seemed to enjoy being with my church friends.

Erin, this thread will live on and bear fruit! :)

[TomUK]

Any suggestions for what we can call this?

Erinality? "I'm having some people from church over for a bit of erinality."

[karen freeinchristman]

Any suggestions for what we can call this?

Erinality? "I'm having some people from church over for a bit of erinality."

How about, The Rule of St. Erin. :)

[junegillam]

I made a real attempt to put this into practice, yesterday, Erin. I have a couple of friends at church who have adopted two children within the last year, and they are struggling with the stress and exhaustion of looking after two slightly demanding children who have issues stemming from their past. So we asked if those two children could come over to our house and play with my two children (I thought it would be good to give the parents a break). I then thought to myself, why not ask the parents to come over in the evening for a barbeque? I've never had this couple over to my house before, but have wanted to ask them for a long time. I have always got the usual excuses - the weather, the state of the lawn, the house, etc - but I just decided there and then to ask them. And to my joy, they said yes!

I went home and my DH and I tidied up a little (I told him about this thread, and we agreed that we don't need the house and garden to look perfect, but there is still a little tidying to be done, isn't there!). I then decided I would also invite my neighbours and their kids to the barbecue, too (they are agnostic).

We ended up having a great time, and just having this thread in the back of my mind (letting go of my perfectionist attitude) helped me to relax and enjoy and be much more hospitable in the process! And my agnostic neighbours seemed to enjoy being with my church friends.

Erin, this thread will live on and bear fruit! :)
WOW, tears in my eyes of joy over this tremendous outpouring of the hospitality of the holy spirit!

Wow again, karen, nice open-ness to loving your neighbors and more!

xooxox


PS our Sat lunch with 4 relatives (two uncles, one mom's brother Riley, other dad's brother Jimmy, Riley's wife Roma and step-mom Fran) was so much fun--I stayed relaxed and the event went on for over 4 hours! I must admit though that I had prepared for weeks ahead so that I would be able to relax during the lunch itself. Kept the food simple htough *:)

Looking forward now to less perfectionism and more hospitality offering.

[erin74]

I made a real attempt to put this into practice, yesterday, Erin. I have a couple of friends at church who have adopted two children within the last year, and they are struggling with the stress and exhaustion of looking after two slightly demanding children who have issues stemming from their past. So we asked if those two children could come over to our house and play with my two children (I thought it would be good to give the parents a break). I then thought to myself, why not ask the parents to come over in the evening for a barbeque? I've never had this couple over to my house before, but have wanted to ask them for a long time. I have always got the usual excuses - the weather, the state of the lawn, the house, etc - but I just decided there and then to ask them. And to my joy, they said yes!

I went home and my DH and I tidied up a little (I told him about this thread, and we agreed that we don't need the house and garden to look perfect, but there is still a little tidying to be done, isn't there!). I then decided I would also invite my neighbours and their kids to the barbecue, too (they are agnostic).

We ended up having a great time, and just having this thread in the back of my mind (letting go of my perfectionist attitude) helped me to relax and enjoy and be much more hospitable in the process! And my agnostic neighbours seemed to enjoy being with my church friends.

Erin, this thread will live on and bear fruit! :)

Wow - that's fantastic!

I am just so encouraged by this thread. It helps me to remember to keep on doing it!


Any suggestions for what we can call this?

Erinality? "I'm having some people from church over for a bit of erinality."


:blush: :blush:

How about we pick a word from the bible!!! Like, I dunno, hospitality!

[junegillam]

the word "hospitality" has a rich meanging, yes. Reminds me of my fav ever short story, The Legend of St. Julian the Hospitator by Flaubert--what an ending!!!!! Great reading for Christians and all others, as well.

jg

[erin74]

Just for an update.

We failed at the simple hospitality at times on the weekend - I was desperate to try my 7 hour lamb dish, which is not difficult, but appears so. We had people staying with us all weekend - they had visited to do puppet shows at the church and local schools.

But we were encouraged to hear of more parishoners spontaneously inviting people over for meals! So it's making a difference already.

We've got a bible study leaders lunch this weekend. So it's a bring and share lunch, so we will go with low key for our bit.

[junegillam]

ref Erin74's "We failed at the simple hospitality at times on the weekend - I was desperate to try my 7 hour lamb dish, which is not difficult, but appears so. We had people staying with us all weekend - they had visited to do puppet shows at the church and local schools.

But we were encouraged to hear of more parishoners spontaneously inviting people over for meals! So it's making a difference already.

We've got a bible study leaders lunch this weekend. So it's a bring and share lunch, so we will go with low key for our bit.
"


The only folks who never fail are the ones who are not trying...

[erin74]

We did much better today for our bible study leaders lunch. We bought a chicken and made a simple salad after they arrived as our contribution to a bring and share lunch.

We also were invited to lunch by parishoners, but had to decline, so they invited someone else. I just pray this isn't a short lived fad. Generally hospitatlity leads to hospitality, so hopefully that won't be the case.

[erin74]

Just an update - why not revive an old thread hey!

Things are improving I think - we keep hearing of more people inviting people around.

On Sunday we had 2 families over. That meant 6 adults and 10 children. Most of the kids were 7 or under (I think one might have been over 7). Gave the kids sandwiches or a plain roll and soup if they wanted it. Adults had soup and rolls. Made the kids ice cream from the food thread for dessert.

It was a fantastic afternoon. The kids kind of trashed the place, but hey we expected that. It doesn't take 6 adults too long to clean up either.

This weekend our church is having a 'guess who's coming for dinner' lunch thing going on. So we know we are having 4 adults and 3 kids under 13, but that's as much as we know. We get to do the main course. Should be fun.