Purging out the old Leaven – In our marriages?

[Flynmonkie]

In another thread we were discussing “judgment” and turning those out of the “church” fold that live a sinful life, such as cheating on their spouse etc. Not fellowshipping with them while they are living this act generally non-repentant. (1 Corinthians 5)

It seems that most would think we are to disassociate with them, lovingly, but does this still apply to a husband/Wife relationship?

IOW what is a spouse puts the family in financial danger, or continually makes bad decisions i.e. Lying, drinking, trouble with the law… etc. If a man or woman is cheating do you kick them out, or pray and continue to stay by their side fighting Satan’s attacks through prayer.

I am curious, do you think the husband or wife should turn him/her out the door or forgive and continue with a Christ like attitude with faith? Or is this a topic you think that would depend on what the individual thinks God wants for their relationship?

Is it different, if not why? (a friend and I got into this topic the other day and she had questions I answered but thought I would get input from this perspective)

[Proeliator]

Cheating is the only condition we are given via the Word that makes divorce acceptable, so I would say in that case, kick them out. On the others, I dont really have any idea.

[Flynmonkie]

Well the reason I ask is that in my life God worked through this (so far). I believed he wanted me to stay in my marriage eventually it led to my husband’s salvation.

But a friend of mine is struggling right now because her husband is an alcoholic, a functioning alcoholic with a thriving business. There are nights when he just "forgets" to come home. She has no idea where he is all night until the next day and he tells her he spent the night at one of the guys. Or days where she has expressed to me (daily) he has no business behind the wheel. She is afraid that he is going to cause a disaster to happen. Sometimes he will just lie around for days after she has scheduled appointments for the business and he calls and cancels them with some excuse or another. They are starting to loose money. She asked me what I would do - as she knows (just about everyone knows) how I handled the problems in my marriage, by prayer etc.. But sticking with it.

I honestly do not know what to tell her other than to search her heart on the matter. Personally, I want to tell her to "get out" until he straightens up, but I am not so sure there is a biblical reasoning behind this at this point. IOW has she exhausted every other Christian act in this situation that she can. I take marriage very seriously, so it is very hard to give one advice on this.
My mother for instance, had been married to a man for 25 years that cheated, lied and abused her (and us children too). She always thought that God would never give her more than she could handle and so she stuck by him. After many years, he started doing this again. I gave her the advice to see an attorney. She ended up loosing everything. But we discussed this topic last night and she said one of the things he always used, as an excuse to her was exactly this verse, along with If you right eye is sinning, poke it out? (Not sure where this comes from) But he used this that my mother caused him to "sin". Pretty crazy to me.

So anyway this is why I asked. I just feel like someone has turned to me for understanding that I am not sure I have completely right. I know for my situation what I would do, but I am not sure this is correct -- across the board. :scratch:

[mlqurgw]

The person who drinks a lot often does so because they blame all their problems on someone else. I know beacuse I did. I used to say that you would go home when you had no place else to go. It got to the point with me that I carried a matress in the back of my truck so I could crawl out of the bar into it and not have to go home. The thing is that it wasn't my wife that was causing my problems but me. She stood by me through this and now I love her more than I did the day I married her. When I look at her now my heart jumps. Her sticking with me is beyond anything that I could imagine. I credit entirely to the grace of God. I said all that to say this, she did it because she didn't believe in divorce and I stayed with her because I did really love her even though I blamed her. This is very hard for me to write because I want to let those days be in the past and I am certainly not proud of them. If I had continued as I was I would now either be dead or in prison. In my drunken state I had actually planned on commiting the murder of a young man simply because I didn't like him. I had reached the bottom of the barrel where I belonged and was comfortable. All during this time I believed I was a Christian, just not a good one. I can't tell you how many theological arguments I got into in the bar.

I only tell you this to show you that there is hope. God is abundant in mercy and can and does save even one like me. Tell your freind that although it is a most trying time ( understatement of the milliniam) she does not know what God will do. Trust Him to do what is right.

I know, this didn't help much.

[mlqurgw]

Now that I have calmed down some I want to say a few more things.

I would be willing to bet that he is the most miserable of people. Because he is he makes all those who are around him miserable too. Tell your friend that it isn't her fault that he is the way he is. Tell her to live with him as long as she is able to do so. It will do no good to point a finger at him until God does so. Leave him alone as far as letting him go to the bottom. Live before him as a believer and pray.

[Flynmonkie]

mlqurgw thank you so much for sharing this, I know it is hard. (It is such a blessing to me to have someone that can relate to this situation to offer advice) Your wife sounds like a wonderful strong Christian woman! I think you both would be a pleasure to meet! SO many people think that our mistakes in the past should be kept secret (I really struggled with this in my marriage, everyone knew and I was spiritually naked! I learned my lesson!) But I think that the best thing is to share with others that might be experiencing the same issues. Who else would know better than ones whom have gone through it? Not to glorify the act, but to Glorify God whom is responsible for not only our salvation, but also our conviction and the promise of healing. Sometimes people think their sin is too much for God to forgive. Hearing or witnessing how others have worked though this is uplifting and beneficial. Also, I think that keeping secrets allows things to fester (allows Satan to get a foothold). Being so guilty for “sins” in our past that we forget to let them God. It is a sin not to let God forgive us. That is ultimatly what we are doing when we don't forgive ourselves.

I think that marriage might be covered under a different promise of protection and provision. I am not so sure this verse applies, but to a degree I can see where it does sometimes for some, but as a last resort. My husband wasn't saved, drawing from the bible I felt I should stay in this situation. I became a stander. Now, if my husband were to continue his patterns before. And it caused harm or put us in danger (even financial) I would leave, because I feel that there does come a time we need to put our foots down. I have children to think of. IOW if you know someone is doing something wrong, that you can get into serious trouble for, or harm could come to others, or physical abuse --it is time to leave. Lest ye be brought into the sin. (I think I have that right?)

But her husband is not saved. I want so desperately to find a verse or something to give her that will give her hope that this situation is what God wants. My mom’s words I heard growing up still echo in my head "God will remove those stumbling blocks from our path" but that didn't seem to happen for her. I watched it. In fact, staying with him seemed to destroy everything in her life. Everything from her home, to retirement and she is still paying bills from the marriage when she only had a small income and took care of the home for him while traveling quite a bit all those years. BUT He claimed Christianity. Would this make it different then?

I feel the most important thing we can do for God is assist Him by example to urge salvation. Nothing is more important than this. And frankly, I cannot find one single passage that shows me that she should not continue allowing this. The only thing I see is that because he is not a Christian, maybe she should stick it out. (She is an extremely humble and meek person and it seems she has been handling this the right way) God promises if we are following what He teaches us, we will be blessed. (I have seen those blessings in my own life) I tell her she needs to try this all against scripture and search in her own heart what she feels God wants to teach her, or how He might use her for good. But where is that line? And that is what she is asking me. I honestly don’t know.

[blessedmomof5]

I associate this question with what is going on in my life, so lets say my husband decided to leave me bc i have an eating disorder, would that help me? i do not think it would help at all, if he had a drinking problem i believe that i would talk to my pastor about it first then bring DH with me the second time. if all that failed there is always those support groups for people of alcholic spouses..... i think lots of praying is in order, and remember alcholism is a disease, just like my eating disorder is. but i take full responsibilty for mine. and i have been lucky to be Blessed with someone that wants to help me, gee i hope did any of that help? i confused myself along the way.....:doh:

[Imblessed]

I hesitate to offere advice, simply because I don't know if I could follow the same advice if I was in the situation myself.

But, the bible clearly states that if yyour spouse is not a believer and wants out of the relationship, then it's ok to divorce---but it doesn't seem like her husband wants out---so it would be wrong to get a divorce. It's painful to say that. About the only exception to that that I could see is if he was physically or mentally abusing her.

I think that she needs to stay in constant prayer for his salvation, to live a christian life before him, and to try very, very hard not to take his personal problems personally. It is not her fault he is like this, but her support can help him. If she starts blaiming him, he will only retreat further.

My father was an alcoholic(functioning) for about 20 years of their marriage. He became saved when I was about 3. they just celebrated their 49th anniversary a couple of weeks ago. I asked my mother why she stuck around, and she said because she loved him, and that she saw his potential, and she prayed for his salvation, and she trusted God to care for them. And that she remembered why she married him in the first place, even when he started drinking. She is an amazing example of how a Godly woman can win over her husband.

I realize that God does not always choose to bless women in this way---but unless your friend is in danger, I think she should trust God and try to be a Godly example to her husband.

Hope this helped. Like I said, I don't know if I could even follow that advice if I was in that situation, but it seems the most biblical to me.

[JPPT1974]

Thanks for sharing that story with us
Im blessed
And now glad that your father is a Christian
As well as no longer an alcoholic!:amen: