Advice or Encouragement

[DiscipleOfIAm]

This is going to sound silly, but here it goes. I've been married for 9 years and we have two wonderful children, nice house, the whole deal!! The American Dream. When I met my wife, we were both in the military and came from different states. I had a girlfriend back home, but she was still finishing up school and couldn't be with me then. I planned to marry her, we weren't officially engaged or anything, but I loved her very much. When I met my wife, what started off as a friendship became more and we married six months later.

My problem is that whenever I think about or hear about the former girlfriend, I still feel love for her. I still love her very much and always wonder what if??. I also feel bad that I went away and met someone else and sort of left her behind. We have never spoken to eachother since, but I did see her one time about 4 years ago and spoke to her family, not her. It was at a church and they were still friendly to me. She was busy talking to someone else and I had my family with me and felt odd. She is a missionary and was home for a week visiting her church and actually was the speaker that Sunday. We just happened to visit that church that 1 day she was there from Italy.

Anyway, is it wrong for me to still love her? I don't want to leave my wife or anything like that and I love my wife and family very much, but I feel guilty for having these feelings sometimes. I've always wanted to write her and tell her I was sorry for leaving her behind and that I still love her, but I'm afraid for many reasons. 1) I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea 2) I'm afraid she hates me 3) If my wife ever found out, she would never forgive me. I suppose that is the best reason of all. It would be sneaky and I know my wife wouldn't understand, so I've never told her about my feelings.

It's not a sexual love, but just love. I think about her sometimes and wonder what she is doing and if she's happy. We were good friends as well as boyfriend and girlfriend. We talked for hours about everything and nothing. We had dreams and plans together.

Well, that's about it.

God Bless!

[Diane_Windsor]

I wouldn't worry about it. It appears that she has moved on with her life if she became a missionary. Look at it this way, if she married you then could she have become a missionary and working out in the fields for God?

diane
:wave:

[DiscipleOfIAm]

I wouldn't worry about it. It appears that she has moved on with her life if she became a missionary. Look at it this way, if she married you then could she have become a missionary and working out in the fields for God?

diane
:wave:

I've thought of that many times. I'm glad she ended up doing what she does. She is married to an Italian she met while in the fields. Not sure if she is still in the mission field, but she is serving God somewhere.

[£amb]

DiscipleOfIAm,


I have a similar story. But alittle reversed in how it goes compared with yours. I met my husband and it was instant love. We married immediately. Coming next month will make it 16yrs. and we also have two children. Anyway, about 1yr. after we married, my best-friend started dating. When I met her boy-friend, he had his best friend with him. I was also introduced to him, and we found out through talking that we really had alot in common. I did enjoy his company, and that was about it. He too was married. I saw him on several occasions when I met up with him, my best friend and her boyfriend. I started feeling something for him. We never ever did anything sexual either. We just enjoyed each other's company. Soon afterwards, my best friend admitted to me that he had feelings for me too. I knew at that point, that it was getting dangerous. I immediately stopped everything. I love my husband, and would never ruin our relationship. But I knew that I felt something inside that Satan was stirring up.

I too wonder what happened to this guy. I wonder if I hadn't met my husband, if something would of happened with him I still consider him a friend. I know I made the right choice in stopping the situation before temptation really got a hold of us. But I used to think that I still felt love for him. Now I know that what I feel is just me reliving the memories and bringing back happy moments. A false feeling of love. I was just running on emotions. Wow, it's funny how our stories are kinda similar. But to answer your question about still loving her. No, I feel like you can still have feelings for her, but you know that it should not in any way affect your relationship with your family. Don't let it drown your thoughts. Don't fester on it. You will have to trust that God will give you strength to overcome any tempting thoughts.

[Sword-In-Hand]

My advice is this: Don't tell this other women about any of your feelings. If you do, it could start a ring of confusion and possibly problems in her marriage. I know I've had people come tell me after I was married that they loved me and for a while there was confusion, but I love my wife more than anything and I don't want anything to break us apart.

Also, it might be wise to explain this to your wife. I know it sounds hard and it would be difficult to understand, but imagine if she found out through other means. However, if you can discard these feelings and just forget about her, then I don't see anything you would need to explain. Really the only thing you might want to do later on is mend a broken friendship. I doubt the other woman hates you, but probably went through a time of hurt. If she is a devout believer like you say, then I doubt she hates you at all and probably thinks that everything worked out for the best.

I've been through similiar situations and it's best to just move on, know that you did the right thing in the beginning and just pray that a friendship will remain in some form.

[ZiSunka]

Dis, this kind of thing happens to almost everyone. I still have old boyfriends I wonder about and love, and the warm feelings give me joy and comfort because the happiness that I had with them is something I can always enjoy in my memories. All of them went on to marry other women, and it would be wrong for me to wish I was with any of them, but it's okay to remember the happiness we had together and wonder if we would still be that happy today if things had worked out differently.

[Flynmonkie]

just love. I think about her sometimes and wonder what she is doing and if she's happy. We were good friends as well as boyfriend and girlfriend. We talked for hours about everything and nothing. We had dreams and plans together.

Well, that's about it.

God Bless!
DOIA,
I actually went through a very similar experience. I have a male best friend. For years now, everyone in the world thinks we should have married. But our relationship just lacked that "magic" so to speak. It is a wonderful friendship and I love him dearly. We still talk even now I am married. It is an unusual situation it seems and my husband was not very fond of it. And then angry with my husband for not trusting there was nothing between my friend and I. I struggled with this for a long time thinking it was potentially wrong. And to a degree I believe it is.

We have to be very careful about relationships outside of our marriage. I believe Satan would like nothing better than to destroy our marriage and by our not eliminating room for misunderstanding, or allowing room for disagreement is asking for trouble. I call it "clean ties" Evaluating every relationship I have and keeping them in check. Not allowing them to violate the trust in my marriage. Nothing, and no one should be more important than keeping that trust, that covenant before God.

I have come to the conclusion it is great to remember how lucky we are to meet those that have influenced us in our lives. And have good solid friendships that we have happy memories of. But keep "clean ties" in those situations.

I wonder, how would you feel if you found your wife had posted these same thoughts about another man on a public message board? (Not getting on to you for this, as that honesty is always best!!!!!! And what better place to share and ask questions than with other believers) I simply say this because you have to think in this regard. What would you say or think or do if these private thoughts were told publicly without your knowledge. Trying to put you-- in her shoes. Would it hurt? Would you trust her? Would it leave a doubt in your mind that she loves you and only you?

My point is.....be careful to never leave that door open for Satan to exploit.....IMVHO :)

[alextg55]

My advice is this: Don't tell this other women about any of your feelings. If you do, it could start a ring of confusion and possibly problems in her marriage.



I have to say i agree with Sword-In-Hand .

[Fish and Bread]

Love is a very tricky thing. The hearts tends to feel what it it will and not necessarily what we might want it to. What we have control over is typically not so much what we feel, but what we do.

God's given you a great gift in your marriage. It isn't for me to say whether you might have been better off with someone else, but what is important is not what could have been, but what is. Irrespective of any other options you might have once had, what you have now is of paramount importance. My best advice to you is to take all due steps to preserve your marriage. Don't, under any circumstances, reveal you feelings to this other woman, and, if you can, try to keep contact to a minimum. It may be a great sacrifice to do this for your wife, but, as we saw in Jesus' death on the cross, sometimes a great sacrifice is a sign of great love. Ironically, in not giving into the temptation to express your feelings for this other woman, you could demonstrate still greater love for your wife than you might have had this other woman not been in your life, and a greater love for God by respecting the maritial bond he has created between you and your wife in the face of temptation to say things that might hurt that bond.

John

[DiscipleOfIAm]

Thanks to all for the advice and encouragement. It's good to see things from another believer's point of view and not just your own feelings and thoughts. I know what to do now.

But, to clarify again, this was never about wanting to be with someone else or wishing life had went another direction. I love my wife and family more than anything and would never dream of leaving them. I think it was like what someone here said, remembering good times of the past and fond experiences with someone I loved and had a connection with. We were heading towards marriage, I suppose it is normal to still have that feeling. Anyway, thanks again to all. It's good to know we have a place to seek encouragement and advice from one another.

God Bless!

[£amb]

Thanks to all for the advice and encouragement. It's good to see things from another believer's point of view and not just your own feelings and thoughts. I know what to do now.

But, to clarify again, this was never about wanting to be with someone else or wishing life had went another direction. I love my wife and family more than anything and would never dream of leaving them. I think it was like what someone here said, remembering good times of the past and fond experiences with someone I loved and had a connection with. We were heading towards marriage, I suppose it is normal to still have that feeling. Anyway, thanks again to all. It's good to know we have a place to seek encouragement and advice from one another.

God Bless!

No problem! Just enjoy the life God has placed before you. :)

Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.