My student's mom commited suicide

[Xpycoctomos]

Please pray for my student Carmen who's mother committed suicide yesterday. Also please pray for her mother and her repose. I do not know her name. Thankfully Carmen lives with her grandmother. I have no idea what the circumstances surrounding her life (family and otherwise) are.

Being that I'm probably not one of the teacher's she's feels at all closest to (I'm a student teacher and just came here a couple months ago) she probably won't come to me to talk... but in case she does, does anyone have any advice. I know I should just listen mostly, but it there any big Do's or Don'ts (in the context of what I say/do in a conversation or even just how I treat her in the classroom? Does anyone have any experience (in Carmen's shoes, or in the Teacher's shoes)? Feel free to PM if you wish to share but wish to keep things a little more private.

Thanks in advance,

John

[Rilian]

That's terrible. I will pray for Carmen. How old is she?

[Khaleas]

Please pray for my student Carmen who's mother committed suicide yesterday. Also please pray for her mother and her repose. I do not know her name. Thankfully Carmen lives with her grandmother. I have no idea what the circumstances surrounding her life (family and otherwise) are.

Being that I'm probably not one of the teacher's she's feels at all closest to (I'm a student teacher and just came here a couple months ago) she probably won't come to me to talk... but in case she does, does anyone have any advice. I know I should just listen mostly, but it there any big Do's or Don'ts (in the context of what I say/do in a conversation or even just how I treat her in the classroom? Does anyone have any experience (in Carmen's shoes, or in the Teacher's shoes)? Feel free to PM if you wish to share but wish to keep things a little more private.

Thanks in advance,

John

I'm so sorry to hear about the situation. At least she has someone to care for her. My friend recently lost two of his best friends and two of their four children in the Tsunami (we had quite a large number lost from Finland). Unfortunately the two kids who survived are living with one set of grandparents for now (they are moving to an aunt soon) and they aren't doing a very good job with their grief process (basically hiding the fact that the parents died and the kids found out from friends). My friend is going to help out a lot with the family after the kids arrive at their aunt's. He has been told just to be available to lend an ear. Don't say 'you know how it feels' unless you do (which you pretty much said you don't). In most cases they say that just letting the person know that you know what happened and you are sorry for it, you can't imagine what they are feeling and going through but if they ever need to talk you'll be available (but you really have to be). I don't know the rules for your school, but it might be good to have someone other than her grandmother available outside of school as well (just a phone number or so).
This is just what I have recently heard from my friend... I have no experience in these cases. My friend's dad committed suicide about a year and a half ago, but the circumstances made a cut with who they had considered their father (he had an affair and wanted to be with the woman, basically left a note saying that he never loved his family.. and when the other woman rejected him he killed himself in her house).

[Momzilla]

Even if you don't know her well, I think it would be good if you made an effort to let her know that you're sorry for her loss and that you're available if she wants to talk. No one ever wants to talk about suicide, and her friends probably have no idea what to say. And, of course, her grandmother has her own grief issues right now. She could probably use a compassionate adult. If nothing else, I think it will help her to know that someone cares about her at this time.

She may be feeling a lot of guilt right now. Kids tend to internalize things more than adults, and she may be feeling that there is something she could have done to prevent her mom's death. If it comes up, the best you can do is to tell her it's not her fault.

[countrymouse33ad]

Praying for Carmen and her departed mother.

[gord96]

i am praying

[Matrona]

Please pray for my student Carmen who's mother committed suicide yesterday. Also please pray for her mother and her repose. I do not know her name. Thankfully Carmen lives with her grandmother. I have no idea what the circumstances surrounding her life (family and otherwise) are.

When I was in middle school, my friend's mother died suddenly, and he had to deal with other kids making insensitive comments, and his friends avoided him because they didn't know how to deal with what had happened. So please keep your eyes and ears peeled for that. She might find that no one wants to sit with her at lunch or that no one will talk to her during breaks--and she may just want to be alone, but she might also need someone to talk to. I also suggest asking your school's guidance counselor for advice. You would not want to accidentally say or do something inappropriate.

You are right to prepare to help her--being closer to her age, she may find you easier to communicate with than a regular teacher.

I will keep Carmen and her family, including her departed mother, in my prayers.

[xenia]

Matrona is right: it's a weird fact of human nature that when something awful happens to someone, people tend to avoid them, mostly out of embarassment, I think. People just don't know what to say so they decide to say nothing. You can just put a brotherly hand on her shoulder (if this is permitted at your school) and say, "How are you today, Carmen?" And see where she wants to go with that.

[jukesk9]

Praying. Suicide is something I'll never understand. It's tragic.

[Xpycoctomos]

Thanks everyone for your tips. They are helpful. By the way, she is a Freshman in high school so about, 14 or 15.

I guess it was actually her step mother, but she was closer to her than her real mother who is a druggy and (also) has attempted suicide several times before (although never successfully). The Father is pretty much a "loser" says the prinicipal here (not in her life for all practical purposes) and she lives with her grandparents who are nice people and do their best but not nearly as effective as younger parents would be (in keeping up with her education etc...). So, she has a tough life and surely a tough road ahead of her. I can't even imagine... yet this sort of thing is all to common.

John

[Wiffey]

Lord have mercy! Praying...:crosseo:



It is tragic what some young people have to face these days...


Just being there for her and being receptive if she needs to talk is the best thing, in my experience. She may not be ready to address it for quite some time, but she WILL register your concern and appreciate it.

[ukok]

Oh my, what a tragedy! I will pray for Carmen and for the soul of her departed Mother.

God Bless. :crossrc:

[katherine2001]

Just let her know that you are so sorry for her loss and that your thoughts and prayers are with her. Let her know that if she needs to talk, that you are there for her. I had a 19-year old co-worker commit suicide once, and suicide is a very tough thing to deal with. To have it be a member of your immediate family would be extremely painful. As others have said, people often don't have anyone that is really willing to let them talk when they've had a loved one die. People will say, "you really don't want to talk about it" to them when they really need to talk. My mother went through that when her first husband was killed in a plane crash. That is why my mother would spend a lot of time with friends who'd lost a loved one and let them talk to her when they needed to talk. She wouldn't say anything--she'd just listen and sympathize with them.

[Vasya Davidovich]

People can be terribly insensitive, it's true.

John:

Can I add a cautionary note?

I am a (male) teacher as well, and I would recommend taking great care in how much time you spend with a female student, no matter how hurting she might be. There are two reasons for that. First, to avoid even the appearance of evil. Second, Carmen will be especially vulnerable to anyone who is kind to her, and you may well find yourself in a place where she has strong unreciprocated feelings for you. (There is a third reason, of course, though one hates to mention it. That is to avoid temptation, not that I am assuming you would be tempted.)

I say this because I know people who have found themselves in ... awkward circumstances, shall we say. At other times, accusations have been made that have ruined careers and reputations. (Accusations can be awful. I have a friend who was accused by the mother of his child of molesting the boy, so as to win full custody. There is nothing so awful as being put in the place of having to prove one's innocence.) Just be wise, my friend.

Your friend in Christ,
Your brother in the Church,
Vasya.

[Vasya Davidovich]

Praying. Suicide is something I'll never understand. It's tragic.
Suicide, simply put, comes out of great self-loathing and self-hatred, coupled with all-consuming despair.

In today's day and age, suicide is rampant. We have a couple generations that know that they are fallen, broken, hurting, and alone, and yet they don't know He who comforts the broken-hearted. They don't know that He loves regardless of their brokenness. Suicide is not so much tragic as the inevitable conclusion to our society of death and despair.

Suicide needs to be understood before it can be healed.

Lord have mercy. :crosseo:

[Xpycoctomos]

People can be terribly insensitive, it's true.

John:

Can I add a cautionary note?

I am a (male) teacher as well, and I would recommend taking great care in how much time you spend with a female student, no matter how hurting she might be. There are two reasons for that. First, to avoid even the appearance of evil. Second, Carmen will be especially vulnerable to anyone who is kind to her, and you may well find yourself in a place where she has strong unreciprocated feelings for you. (There is a third reason, of course, though one hates to mention it. That is to avoid temptation, not that I am assuming you would be tempted.)

I say this because I know people who have found themselves in ... awkward circumstances, shall we say. At other times, accusations have been made that have ruined careers and reputations. (Accusations can be awful. I have a friend who was accused by the mother of his child of molesting the boy, so as to win full custody. There is nothing so awful as being put in the place of having to prove one's innocence.) Just be wise, my friend.

Your friend in Christ,
Your brother in the Church,
Vasya.

thank you very much.

[33ad]

When I was a teenager, my girlfriend's brother committed suicide, and it was difficult to console her.

And Seraphima's dad gassed himself in his car. She did not know how to deal with that for a long time, but she has peace now as an Orthodox Christian as she can pray for the repose of his soul.

My prayers going up.

Kolya

[elizabethevangeline]

I've had a few friends who had someone close to them commit suicide. Both of my friends eventually needed to express & deal with their anger at their loved ones, and at God. Until they were able to do that I noticed certain "acting out" behaviors.

One tended to talk harshly of her loved one...that can be rather shocking to hear.

The other girl withdrew into herself...struggled with depression and thoughts of suicide herself, seemed careless about her choices...that can be scary to watch.

They needed a safe place to express their anger without being admonished, but I think they also needed help naming their anger...ie. "you really sound angry at your mom..."

[Verushka]

My ex-boyfriends dad committed a suicide when we were teens. He developed a sort of an obsession to follow his dad. He started to act very violently towards himself and to others. I had to break up with him eventually in order to save my life. I can't say anything wise, what should be done or shouldn't. Someone said already that it's important to listen to the situation, and act according to it, I'm sure it is.
I pray for her, for her departed mother and for you.
Verushka

[Wiffey]

Suicide is such a horror. My cousin (who was my closest friend when we were growing up together) took his life in 2003. It is still devastating. I had no idea what he was going through, and still feel helpless about not being able to be there for him when he needed me.

The only thing I can do now is pray for his soul, pray for his daughter, pray for his grandmother who raised him (this nearly killed her), and to call her often and send her letters and look after her now that her grandson can no longer do this.

[katherine2001]

I would have to hug the person, even though part of me would be angry with him/her. People who commit suicide are in so much pain and they can't see any way out of it. You have to be really desperate to commit suicide. And in this current world where God the Father and Christ aren't even allowed to be mentioned, what hope do they have?

I had a period where I was battling suicidal thoughts. I always got them right out and would not entertain them (and I had to confess them to Father when I had them), but it gave me a new understanding. It was tough for me to battle them with all the gifts that I had (God, Christ, the Holy Spirit, the Theotokos, all the saints, my priest, my good friends, my family--one of whom is a mental health case worker, and the sacraments), what hope do those have who don't have these gifts?