More fuel for Filo

[pastel]

Here you go, I found these just for you! ;)

------------------------------------------------------
1.Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

2.When James Bond slept through the earthquake, he was shaken but not stirred.

3.A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

4.Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

5.When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

6.A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

7.Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

8.He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

9.I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.

10.A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

[filosofer]

My kind of thread!!! :D

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the
Nile and drew Out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Yahweh drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

[Jim47]

^_^ Two much!

[pastel]

Now those I like! ;)

[sculpturegirl]

Have you read the Official Sven and Ole page? It is quite funny!

http://www.stnm.org/SvenandOle/index.html

[Phoebe]

Those are cute.

[pastel]

Sven and Inger were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. Inger said, "Yew should do it, because yew get up first, and den ve don't have to vait as long to get our coffee."

Sven said, "Yew are in charge of cooking around here, and yew should do it, because that is your yob, and I can yust wait for my coffee."

Inger replies, "No, yew should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible dat da man should do the coffee."

Sven replies, "I can't believe dat, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says...."HEBREWS"


My fav :D

[filosofer]

Good one! :D

==================
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why
he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.


Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.


Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun

[pastel]

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why
he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

That's a good one. ;)

[KagomeShuko]

Why did Beethoven kill all his chickens?

They ran around saying, "Bach, Bach, Bach, Bach!"

[pastel]

Why did Beethoven kill all his chickens?

They ran around saying, "Bach, Bach, Bach, Bach!"

That's a new one for me. Must remember it. :hug:

[KagomeShuko]

A Musician's Prayer

Dear Lord,

Never let me B flat.
Let me sometimes B sharp,
And let me always B natural.

[pastel]

A Musician's Prayer

Dear Lord,

Never let me B flat.
Let me sometimes B sharp,
And let me always B natural.

That one I have heard before, and I'm a musician. It's good. :holy:

[KagomeShuko]

We were always coming up with music jokes and puns a few years back when our church had a great music ministry. We loved a-SALT-ing (I'm sure you can picture this. . .) the music minister's husand during fellowship time and meals.

Stein Auf!
Bridget

[pastel]

We were always coming up with music jokes and puns a few years back when our church had a great music ministry. We loved a-SALT-ing (I'm sure you can picture this. . .) the music minister's husand during fellowship time and meals.

Stein Auf!
Bridget


hmmmm.... amazingly I can. :eek:

[pastel]

It was once the custom for Watusi chiefs to be inaugurated on wooden thrones. After the inauguration, the thrones were discarded. However, a certain tribesman, who had been elected chief several times, kept all his old thrones in the top part of his grass hut. One year, the weight of the thrones caused the hut to collapse, killing him. The moral being: He who lives in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

[pastel]

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous."You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, .......
"but his face rings a bell."
WAIT! WAIT! There's more . . .
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said,Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch t hat fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side."What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly. "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, but...
( . . . Wait for it . . . )
(. . . It's worth it. . . )
"He's a dead ringer for his brother".

[Jim47]

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous."You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, .......
"but his face rings a bell."
WAIT! WAIT! There's more . . .
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said,Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch t hat fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side."What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly. "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, but...
( . . . Wait for it . . . )
(. . . It's worth it. . . )
"He's a dead ringer for his brother".

Where Do ya all find this stuff? ^_^

[pastel]

Where Do ya all find this stuff? ^_^

Various Web sites, Google searches. :D

[III John]

I've gotta join in!:D

The Sunday before Christmas, a pastor told his congregation that
the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to
consider donating a little more than usual into the offering
plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick
out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the
pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000
bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared
his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally
thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the
back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the
front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how
wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her
to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over
the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the
church and said, "I'll take him, him and him."

[III John]

A grandfather and granddaugher were sitting and talking when the
young girl asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"

"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me
too?"

"Yes, He did," the older man answered.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her
grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her
grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last
she spoke up.

"You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job
lately."

[III John]

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project--an action
docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars.
Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold
Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the
box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to
allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as
long as they were very famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would
love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve
if people saw me playing the piano." said Willis. "I'll play
him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said
Segal. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds
splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do
you want to be, Arnold?" So Arnold says, "I'll be Bach."

[pastel]

I've gotta join in!:D

The Sunday before Christmas, a pastor told his congregation that
the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to
consider donating a little more than usual into the offering
plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick
out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the
pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000
bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared
his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally
thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the
back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the
front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how
wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her
to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over
the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the
church and said, "I'll take him, him and him."


heheheeee! go lady.... :P

[III John]

It was a glorious day for the tribe. Three of their women had gone into
labor at the same time, and so the entire tribe decided to gather and
watch the birth.

They spread some animal skins on the ground and laid the three women upon
them. The first woman, who was laying on a deer skin, moaned and groaned
and gave birth to a beautiful 5 pound baby boy. The entire tribe oohed and
ahhed appeciatively.

The second woman, who was lying on a buffalo skin, then moaned and groaned
and gave birth to a beautiful 6 pound baby boy. Again there was a chorus
of ooohs and ahhs from the tribe.

Then the third woman, who was lying on a hippopotamus skin the tribe had
traded for, moaned and groaned and began to yell in pain. Finally with a
last giant push, the woman gave birth to an astonishing 11 pound baby boy.

The entire tribe was stunned and amazed at the size of this baby.
Everyone, that is, except the village elder. When pressed for a reason as
to why he was not impressed with an 11 pound baby, he simply answered,
"Everyone knows that the son of the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to
the sons of the squaws on the other two hides."

(If you don't get it, ask a math major!)

[III John]

A poor couple gave birth to a set of twins. They were so poor
that they had to give the babies up for adoption, to ensure that
they could lead good lives with people who could care for them.

One brother was adopted by a family from Mexico, and they named
him Juan.

The other brother was adopted by a family from India, and they
named him Ammal.

20 years passed.

One day, the birth mother received a letter and a picture from
her son Juan. She was so happy to read his words and see his
picture. She excitedly showed them to her husband when he came
home. They were very happy.

Then she sighed sadly. Questioned by her husband, she said, "I
only wish Ammal had sent a picture too. I'd love to see what he
looks like." Her husband looked at her and said, "dear, they're
twins. If you've seen Juan you've seen Ammal."

[pastel]

It was a glorious day for the tribe. Three of their women had gone into
labor at the same time, and so the entire tribe decided to gather and
watch the birth.

They spread some animal skins on the ground and laid the three women upon
them. The first woman, who was laying on a deer skin, moaned and groaned
and gave birth to a beautiful 5 pound baby boy. The entire tribe oohed and
ahhed appeciatively.

The second woman, who was lying on a buffalo skin, then moaned and groaned
and gave birth to a beautiful 6 pound baby boy. Again there was a chorus
of ooohs and ahhs from the tribe.

Then the third woman, who was lying on a hippopotamus skin the tribe had
traded for, moaned and groaned and began to yell in pain. Finally with a
last giant push, the woman gave birth to an astonishing 11 pound baby boy.

The entire tribe was stunned and amazed at the size of this baby.
Everyone, that is, except the village elder. When pressed for a reason as
to why he was not impressed with an 11 pound baby, he simply answered,
"Everyone knows that the son of the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to
the sons of the squaws on the other two hides."

(If you don't get it, ask a math major!)


aaacckkk! I get it, I get it!! (and I'm NOT a math major) :doh:

[III John]

America's Longest River By: Misses Hippy
Artificial Clothing By: Polly Ester
Breaking the Law By: Kermit A. Krime
Broken Beds By: Squeak E. Springs
The Color of Eggs By: Summer Brown
Danger! By: Luke Out
Don't Hurt Me! By: I. Bruce Easley
Downpour! By: Wayne Dwops
Errors and Accidents By: Miss Takes and Miss Haps
The Fall of a Watermelon By: S. Platt
Falling Trees By: Tim Burr
French Overpopulation By: Francis Crowded
History of Texas By: Al E. Moe
Hours in the Bathroom By: R. U. Dunnyett
House Construction By: Bill Jerome Holme
How to Be Organized By: Miss Place
How to Groom Your Yard By: Ray Cleaves
I Didn't Do It! By: Ivan Alibi
I Don't Get It By: Anita Clew
I Love Crowds By: Morris Merrier
I Need Insurance By: Justin Case
I'll Do It Soon By: Will B. Dunn
The Lion Attacked By: Claudia Armoff
Mineralogy for Giants By: Chris Tall
No Appreciation For Art By: Drew Lousy
Old Furniture By: Anne Teak
The Past to the Distant Future By: I. C. All
Ripping Pants By: Ben Dover
Rusty bed springs By: I.P. Nightly
Snakes of the World By: Anna Conda
Under the bleachers By: Seymore Butts
Where the Stars Are By: Horace Cope
Why Don't Chickens Bark? By: U. R. Stupid and I. M. Stupid

[III John]

aaacckkk! I get it, I get it!! (and I'm NOT a math major) :doh:

:D

[III John]

Ok...this will be the last one I post tonight. I don't want to pun-ish you all too much in one night. :P


I used to work in an orange juice factory, until I got canned.
Yeah, they put the squeeze on me, said I couldn't concentrate.
You know, same old boring rind over and over again.

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they
gave me the axe.

I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. It was
a sew-sew job.

I used to work in a muffler factory, until I got exhausted.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

I wanted to be a chef, figured it would add a little spice to my
life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

I used to be a deli worker, but I couldn't cut the mustard.

I used to be a musician, but I wasn't noteworthy.

I used to be a math teacher until I found out I had no class.

I used to be a doctor, but I didn't have the patience.

[pastel]

Ok...this will be the last one I post tonight. I don't want to pun-ish you all too much in one night. :P


I used to work in an orange juice factory, until I got canned.
Yeah, they put the squeeze on me, said I couldn't concentrate.
You know, same old boring rind over and over again.

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they
gave me the axe.

I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. It was
a sew-sew job.

I used to work in a muffler factory, until I got exhausted.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

I wanted to be a chef, figured it would add a little spice to my
life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

I used to be a deli worker, but I couldn't cut the mustard.

I used to be a musician, but I wasn't noteworthy.

I used to be a math teacher until I found out I had no class.

I used to be a doctor, but I didn't have the patience.


hahaha.... this was nice for the close of a hard day at the court house! Thanks. ^_^

[III John]

hahaha.... this was nice for the close of a hard day at the court house! Thanks. ^_^

Glad I could have a small part in brightening your day.

[SPALATIN]

One day the doorbell rang and Lena answered it. A young coed was at the door and told Lena she was taking a sex study and asked if she could ask Lena a few questions. Lena said okay and invited her in.
The questions were going along swimmingly and finally the last question came. "Do you and your husband have mutual climax. Lena thought for a moment and decided she better ask Ole. Ole was in the backyard gardening when he heard Lena ask "Hey Ole, Do we have mutual climax?"
Ole shouted back, "No, we got Luteran Broderhood."

[pastel]

Ole and Sven grabbed their poles and headed out to do some ice fishing. As they were augering a hole in the ice they heard a loud voice from above say, "There are no fish under the ice." Ole an Sven moved about 25 feet over and started to make another hole. The voice said a little stronger, " There are no fish under the ice." They both looked around and then looked up. Ole said in a humble voice, "Are you God?" The voice spoke back, "No ya idiots! I'm the ice rink attendant."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.
Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died'."
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If its money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more."
So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale.' "

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Ole and Sven were taking a vacation in Sven's new camper. As usual, they'd become lost and were wandering around a strange town trying to find the highway. Sven was just starting down a grade to go under a bridge when he slams on the brakes.
Ole: Vat da heck you do dat for, Sven?
Sven: Dat sign dere says "Low Bridge. No Vehicles Over Twelve Feet High." Dis here camper is t'irteen feet!
Ole: Cripes almighty Sven, dere ain't no cops around. Yust hit da gas pedal and go for it!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

One fine spring day, Ole decided to take Lena for a drive in his new car. As they were driving through town, a policeman pulled them over and told Ole that he was doing 50 miles an hour in a 30 zone.
"Oh, no", Ole protested, "I vas only doing thirty, Officer."
"No, you were doing fifty", replied the cop.
"Really, Officer, I vas only doing thirty", Ole replied stubbornly.
"Well", sniffed the cop, "I clocked you doing fifty!"
At that point, Lena, sitting in the back seat and trying to be helpful, spoke up. "Officer...you really shouldn't argue vit Ole ven he's been drinking."

[III John]

- Plumber "We repair what your husband Fixed."
- On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania "Don't sleep with a drip, call your plumber."
- Pizza shop slogan "7 days without pizza makes one Weak."
- At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
- Door of a plastic surgeons office: "Hello, can we pick your nose?"
- Sign at the psychic's Hotline "Don't call us, we'll call you."
- At A Laundry Shop "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"
- At a Towing Company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
- Billboard on the side of the road "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."
- On an Electricians truck "Let us remove your shorts."
- In a Nonsmoking Area " If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
- On Maternity Room Door "Push, Push, Push."
- At an Optometrists Office "If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place."
- On a Taxidermist's window "We really know our stuff."
- In a Podiatrist's office "Time wounds all heels."
- On a Butchers window "Let me meat your needs."
- On a fence "Salesman Welcome, Dog food is expensive."
- At a car Dealership "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
- Outside a Muffler Shop "No appointment Necessary, we hear you coming."
- Outside a Hotel "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
- On a desk in a reception room "We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."
- In a Veterinarians waiting room "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay! "
- At the Electric Company "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be."
- On the door of a Computer Store "Out for a quick byte."
- In a Restaurant window "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."
- Inside a Bowling Alley "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."
- In the front yard of a funeral home "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
- In a counselors office "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

[SPALATIN]

Sign on SLSTROHKIRCH's front door. "This house was clean last week, Sorry you missed it."

[Dr. Martin Luther]

. . .for all of these posts, your sins are forgiven †the sign of the cross†....Amen

:liturgy:

[Jim47]

You guys are all great. I wished I had something funny to post. Think I oughta put my pucture on here :eek:

[pastel]

Sign on SLSTROHKIRCH's front door. "This house was clean last week, Sorry you missed it."

I need that sign on my house. ;)

[pastel]

. . .for all of these posts, your sins are forgiven †the sign of the cross†....Amen

:liturgy:

LOL you're too funny! :thumbsup:

[pastel]

HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE USING YOUR COMPUTER

1. Open a new file in your PC.
2 Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to
delete housework permanently?"
6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button
firmly....
7. All done. Feel better?


^_^

[SPALATIN]

HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE USING YOUR COMPUTER

1. Open a new file in your PC.
2 Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to
delete housework permanently?"
6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button
firmly....
7. All done. Feel better?


^_^

Much

[KagomeShuko]

HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE USING YOUR COMPUTER

1. Open a new file in your PC.
2 Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to
delete housework permanently?"
6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button
firmly....
7. All done. Feel better?


^_^
If only it really worked. . .

Stein Auf!
Bridget

[pastel]

If only it really worked. . .

Stein Auf!
Bridget

You mean it doesn't?? :P

[filosofer]

You mean it doesn't?? :P

Only on Windows machines - "Don't work" :P

[SPALATIN]

Only on Windows machines - "Don't work" :P

Worked on my Windows 2000 at work. YOu should also try "The need to work for a living" That improved my attitude a hundredfold.;)

[pastel]

Only on Windows machines - "Don't work" :P

MSN = Monopoly Syndicate Network


"Windows is a paradox. For all its ubiquity, it has few diehard fans, unlike its . . . rival, the Macintosh operating system. Tens of millions use Windows, but few get excited about it." --Walter Mossberg (of The Wall Street Journal) in the Santa Cruz Sentinal, November 4, 1996.

[KagomeShuko]

Lost And Found concert, Michael is talking
"it's not that we're trying to put down Macs or anything. . .people say, 'If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time windows cra. . oh nevermind.'"

Stein Auf!
Bridget

[pastel]

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to
her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable
in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments." answered
the lady.

-------

"Somebody has well said there are only two kinds of people in the world.
There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning,
Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good
Lord, it's morning."

-------

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because
he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put
a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block
10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us
our trespasses! " When he returned, he found a citation from a police
officer along with this note: "I've circled this block for 10 years. If
I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into
temptation."

-------

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to
his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we
have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is,
it's still out there in your pockets."

-------

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish
carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor,
because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign:
"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step
in exhaust"

-------
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and
girls, what do we know about God?* A hand shot up in the air.
"He is an artist!" said the Kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you! know?" the teacher asked.
"You know: Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

-------

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a
long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many
cars ahead of him in front of the service station Finally, the attendant
motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man,
"sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last
minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know
what you mean. It's the same in my business."

-------

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center
of attention.

-------

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know
what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you know what the
Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay, said his father. "So,
son, what does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy. It stands for
'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"

-------

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter
what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be
scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom
was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by
and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school
lesson was about.

He said "Be not afraid, thy Comforter is coming."

-------

Give me a sense of humor, Lord;
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.

-------

[Jim47]

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to
her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable
in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments." answered
the lady.

-------

"Somebody has well said there are only two kinds of people in the world.
There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning,
Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good
Lord, it's morning."

-------

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because
he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put
a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block
10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us
our trespasses! " When he returned, he found a citation from a police
officer along with this note: "I've circled this block for 10 years. If
I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into
temptation."

-------

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to
his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we
have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is,
it's still out there in your pockets."

-------

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish
carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor,
because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign:
"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step
in exhaust"

-------
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and
girls, what do we know about God?* A hand shot up in the air.
"He is an artist!" said the Kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you! know?" the teacher asked.
"You know: Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

-------

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a
long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many
cars ahead of him in front of the service station Finally, the attendant
motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man,
"sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last
minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know
what you mean. It's the same in my business."

-------

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center
of attention.

-------

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know
what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you know what the
Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay, said his father. "So,
son, what does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy. It stands for
'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"

-------

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter
what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be
scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom
was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by
and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school
lesson was about.

He said "Be not afraid, thy Comforter is coming."

-------

Give me a sense of humor, Lord;
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.

-------

Simply great! Thanks :thumbsup:

[III John]

Those are some good ones, Charlene. :thumbsup:

[•Amadeus•]

Great, and wonderful! :)

[III John]

This morning when I woke up, I was a little Grumpy. As the day went on, things weren't any better. In fact, I started getting all Sneezy. So I decided to go see the Doc. He gave me some medicine that made me very Happy. However, it also made me very Sleepy and just a little Dopey. At first I felt a little Bashful about sharing this with you, but I decided it would be okay as long as I kept it “short.”

[SPALATIN]

This morning when I woke up, I was a little Grumpy. As the day went on, things weren't any better. In fact, I started getting all Sneezy. So I decided to go see the Doc. He gave me some medicine that made me very Happy. However, it also made me very Sleepy and just a little Dopey. At first I felt a little Bashful about sharing this with you, but I decided it would be okay as long as I kept it “short.”


I owe I owe it's off to work I go. ;)

[filosofer]

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict construction rules: each poem has only 17 syllables: - 5 syllables in the first line, 7 in the second, 5 in the third.

They are used to communicate a timeless message, often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity. Here are some actual error messages from Japan. Aren't these better than "your computer has performed an illegal operation?"

The Web site you seek cannot be located, but Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.

Program aborting close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that.

Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now it is gone.




Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down.

A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.

Three things are certain Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream, But the water has moved on. This page is not here.

Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will.

Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped.

Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

I ate your Web page. Forgive me; it was tasty And tart on my tongue

[pastel]

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict construction rules: each poem has only 17 syllables: - 5 syllables in the first line, 7 in the second, 5 in the third.

They are used to communicate a timeless message, often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity. Here are some actual error messages from Japan. Aren't these better than "your computer has performed an illegal operation?"

The Web site you seek cannot be located, but Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.

Program aborting close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that.

Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now it is gone.




Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down.

A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.

Three things are certain Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream, But the water has moved on. This page is not here.

Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will.

Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped.

Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

I ate your Web page. Forgive me; it was tasty And tart on my tongue


Now I remember why I have a Mac. ;)

[KagomeShuko]

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict construction rules: each poem has only 17 syllables: - 5 syllables in the first line, 7 in the second, 5 in the third.

I ate your Web page. Forgive me; it was tasty And tart on my tongue

I like that one!

Stein Auf!
Bridget

[Jim47]

Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped.

Wouldn't it be nice if Bill could come up with a fix for that one? :D

[KagomeShuko]

What movie do you get when you have three theives plan to rob casinos at passover?

Oceans Unleavened

I know! *ducks*

Stein Auf!
Bridget

[pastel]

The story is told of a king in Africa who had a close friend with whom he grew up. The friend had a habit of looking at every situation that ever occurred in his life (positive or negative) and remarking, "This is good!"

One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting expedition. The friend would load and prepare the guns for the king. The friend had apparently done something wrong in preparing one of the guns, for after taking the gun from his friend, the king fired it and his thumb was blown off. Examining the situation, the friend remarked as usual, "This is good!"

To which the king replied, "No, this is not good!"and proceeded to send his friend to jail.

About a year later, the king was hunting in an area that he should have known to stay clear of. Cannibals captured him and took him to their village. They tied his hands, stacked some wood, set up a stake and bound him to the stake.

As they came near to set fire to the wood, they noticed that the king was missing a thumb. Being superstitious, they never ate anyone who was less than whole. So untying the king, they sent him on his way.

As he returned home, he was reminded of the event that had taken his thumb and felt remorse for his treatment of his friend. He went immediately to the jail to speak with his friend.

"You were right," he said, "it was good that my thumb was blown off." And he proceeded to tell the friend all that had just happened. "And so, I am very sorry for sending you to jail for so long. It was bad for me to do this."

"No," his friend replied, "This is good!"

"What do you mean, 'This is good'?

How could it be good that I sent my friend to jail for a year?"

"If I had not been in jail, I would have been with you."

[III John]

One Sunday in church, the teacher asked her Sunday School class,
"Ok kids, what is the commandment for your mommies and daddies?"
One girl raised her hand and said, "Thou shall honor your mother
and father."

"Good!" The teacher said, "What is the commandment for your
brothers and sisters?" Then one boy shot up and stated, "Thou
shall not kill."

[III John]

There once was a vicar who loved to golf. One Sunday he decided
to skip church and play golf. So he phoned the church and said
he was ill. He then went to the golf club far away from town,
and started to play.

There was an angel above watching him. The angel said to god,
"That was a terrible thing to do. He should be punished." God
agreed. So on the next hole the vicar teed off and struck the
ball straight down onto the green and into the hole.

The angel said to god, "I thought you were going to punish him."

God said "I am. Who is he going to tell about his hole-in-one?!"

[pastel]

There once was a vicar who loved to golf. One Sunday he decided
to skip church and play golf. So he phoned the church and said
he was ill. He then went to the golf club far away from town,
and started to play.

There was an angel above watching him. The angel said to god,
"That was a terrible thing to do. He should be punished." God
agreed. So on the next hole the vicar teed off and struck the
ball straight down onto the green and into the hole.

The angel said to god, "I thought you were going to punish him."

God said "I am. Who is he going to tell about his hole-in-one?!"


Hahaha....good one. :thumbsup:

[pastel]

This was sent to me by email.

[KagomeShuko]

This was sent to me by email.
I used to get all kinds of things like that in my e-mail. Tons of optical illusions. . .

There are some really cool ones online, especially ones where you stare at your computer screen and then blink and you'll see a picture - I think I've done it with the face of Jesus and a smilie face.

Stein Auf!
Bridget

[pastel]

I used to get all kinds of things like that in my e-mail. Tons of optical illusions. . .

There are some really cool ones online, especially ones where you stare at your computer screen and then blink and you'll see a picture - I think I've done it with the face of Jesus and a smilie face.

Stein Auf!
Bridget

I've seen those too. ;)

Hey I have another one.

[pastel]

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel.

The new bride is concerned and asked, "What if the place is still bugged?"

The groom says "Hmm... Good point. I'll look for a bug."

He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug . . .

"AHA!" he shouts!

Sure enough, under the rug was a small disc shaped plate, with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the plate out the window.

The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds "How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"

Curious, the groom says, "And why, sir, are you asking me all of these questions?"

The hotel manager says "Well, the room UNDER yours complained of the chandelier falling on them!"

[Jim47]

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel.

The new bride is concerned and asked, "What if the place is still bugged?"

The groom says "Hmm... Good point. I'll look for a bug."

He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug . . .

"AHA!" he shouts!

Sure enough, under the rug was a small disc shaped plate, with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the plate out the window.

The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds "How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"

Curious, the groom says, "And why, sir, are you asking me all of these questions?"

The hotel manager says "Well, the room UNDER yours complained of the chandelier falling on them!"


^_^ I think the worst bugs we got are in our brains :doh:

[III John]

Johnny came home happily liking a big ice cream cone. "Where did
you get that?" his mother asked.

"I bought it with the $1.00 you gave me," he replied.

"That money was for Sunday School," said his mother.

"I know," said Johnny, "but the minister met me at the door and
got me in for free."

[III John]

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with
fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up
and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that
had been pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I
found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his
mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice; he
answered, "I think it's Adam's suit!"

[theologia crucis]

My pastor read us a joke today, let's see if I can remember it...

A Baptist and a Lutheran pastor were discussing baptismal practices.

The Lutheran pastor asked how much water was necessary? To the knees?

The Baptist replied "no".

"Up to the waist?" the Lutheran pastor asked.

The Baptist pastor responded "no, that's not enough."

"Up to the chin?" the Lutheran asked.

"No, that's not enough" replied the Baptist. "You need to get water on top of the head!"

The Lutheran pastor responded: "That's where we put it!"

[III John]

[Dis is da latest air service to sprout up in Meennesnowta. Also serving Visconsin, Nort Dekota, and Moontana. Try it – you vill like it…]

If you are traveling soon, consider Lutheran Air, the no-frills airline. You're all in da same boat on
Lutheran Air, vere flying is an uplifting experience.

There is no first class on any Lutheran Air flight.

Meals are potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a main dish, and 22-30, a dessert.

Basses and tenors please sit in the rear of the aircraft.

Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage.

All fares are by freewill offering and the plane will not land until the budget is met.

Pay attention to your flight attendant, who vill acquaint you with the safety system aboard this Lutheran Air 599.

Okay then, listen up: I'm only gonna say this once. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so vill Captain Olson because ve fly right around 2000 feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably indicate the Second Coming or something of that nature, and I vouldn't bother with those little masks on the rubber tubes. You're gonna have bigger things to worry about than that. Just stuff those back up in their little holes. Probably the masks fell out because of turbulence vhich, to be honest with you, ve're going to have quite a bit of at 2000 feet, sort of like driving across a plowed field, but after a vile you get used to it.

In the event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying the Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to the part about forgive us our sins as ve forgive those who sin against us, vich some people say trespass against us," vich isn't right, but vat can you do?

The use of cell phones on the plane is strictly forbidden, not because they may interfere vith the plane's navigational system, vich is seat of the pants all the way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in the wazoo, and if God meant you to use a cell phone, He vould have put your mouth on the side of your head.

Ve're going to start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style vith the coffee pot up front.

Then ve'll have the hymn sing; hymnals in the seat pocket in front of you. Don't take yours vith you ven you go or am going to be real upset and I am not kidding!

Right now I'll say Grace "Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let these gifts to us be blest. Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, may ve land in Duluth or pretty close. Amen."

[Jim47]

Thats cute John! I must not do enough surfing cause I never come acrossed that kind of thing. :thumbsup:

[III John]

Thats cute John! I must not do enough surfing cause I never come acrossed that kind of thing. :thumbsup:
I visit a lot of joke sites. Plus I'm always getting jokes emailed to me from friends and family. Every now and then, I'll actually come up with a good one on my own.

[pastel]

That was a good one, and it's worth sending around to our Lutheran kinfolk. ;)

[III John]

That was a good one, and it's worth sending around to our Lutheran kinfolk. ;)

Yes, it is. I thought everybody here would get a kick out of it.

Unfortunately, it's not one of the ones I've come up with on my own. I wish I could take credit for it. I've only posted one original on this thread, and that was my little play on the 7 Dwarves. That just popped in my head at work one day and I thought it would be perfect for this jokes/puns thread.

[SPALATIN]

I heard that one before and I believe that Garrison Keillor did it on Prairie Home Companion some time ago.

[Jim47]

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar..and the 2 cups of coffee...

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. "Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, " I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things-your God, family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions -- things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.




The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else -- the small stuff.
If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Take care of the golf balls first -- the things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

[SPALATIN]

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar..and the 2 cups of coffee...

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. "Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, " I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things-your God, family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions -- things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.




The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else -- the small stuff.
If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Take care of the golf balls first -- the things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."








This is so true.

[pastel]

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there "You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down."

"I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Fifty dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

[ChiRho]

Wasnt sure if this qualifies, but I thought I atleast owed it to Filo to post something in the threads honoring him.

Intaxication - Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation - Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Bozone - The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Cashtration - The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Giraffiti - Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm - The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte - To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis - Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis - A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
Dopeler Effect - The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Caterpallor - The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

courtesy of the Washington Post

[KagomeShuko]

http://archive.gamespy.com/comics/dorktower/images/comics/UNSPEAKABLE(38).gif
Mmm. ..yum. . .

[KagomeShuko]

In honor of the game shows mentioned in that other thread. . .

http://archive.gamespy.com/comics/dorktower/images/comics/UNSPEAKABLE(39).gif

[KagomeShuko]

I don't believe in horoscopes, but you know. . .

http://archive.gamespy.com/comics/dorktower/images/comics/Unspeakable(12).gif

[KagomeShuko]

Who actually likes interviews. . .?
http://archive.gamespy.com/comics/dorktower/images/comics/Unspeakable(11).gif

[KagomeShuko]

And, for those of you who love. . eh, nevermind. . .
http://archive.gamespy.com/comics/dorktower/images/comics/unspeakable002.gif

[pastel]

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, coffee in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

[Jim47]

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, coffee in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Thats the best news I've had all day, cause the state has already rejected me as an organ donor :crosseo: :D

[KagomeShuko]

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, coffee in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
Have you been listening to Peter Eide???

Stein Auf!
Bridget

[Dr. Martin Luther]

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, coffee in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Absolutely agree with this. :preach:

[SPALATIN]

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, coffee in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Kind of throws pie in the face of those who used to say "Live fast, die young and leave a good looking corpse."

:D

[KagomeShuko]

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, coffee in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
Sorry, that's Peder Eide. . .he's got a whole song about "woohoo! what a ride!"

Stein Auf!
Bridget

[pastel]

Thats the best news I've had all day, cause the state has already rejected me as an organ donor :crosseo: :D

I refuse to donate my organs.

[pastel]

Have you been listening to Peter Eide???

Stein Auf!
Bridget

No, someone sent this to me in an email. The source of all my "wonderful" jokes. :P

[pastel]

Sorry, that's Peder Eide. . .he's got a whole song about "woohoo! what a ride!"

Stein Auf!
Bridget

Never heard of him. :o

[KagomeShuko]

Never heard of him. :o
www.pedereide.com (http://www.pedereide.com)

In fact, I've been singing part of one of his songs for the past two days, "The reason we live is to give God glory, the reason we live, is to give it all to God."

Yeah, he was at the "Extra Vaganza."

They even gave away an "Eide"Pod. . .silliness, of course!

Stein Auf!
Bridget

[pastel]

A concerned citizen wrote a letter to the White House complaining about
the treatment of a captive taken during the Afghanistan war.

Below is a copy of the response.

The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C.

Dear Concerned Citizen:

Thank you for your recent letter criticizing our treatment of the
Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

The administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was
heard loud and clear here in Washington .

You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens
like you, we are creating the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called
the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for
short. In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided
to place one terrorist under your personal care.

Your detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation
to your residence next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud is to be
cared for pursuant to the standards you personall y demanded in your letter
of admonishment. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your
standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly
recommended in your letter.

Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope that
your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem"
will help him overcome this character flaw. Perhaps you are correct in
describing these problems as mere cultural differences.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand
combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or
nail clippers. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from
common household products, so you may wish to keep those items
locked up, unless you feel that this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters since
he views females as a subhuman form of property.

This is a particularly sensitive subject for him. He has been known
to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the dress
code that he considers appropriate, but I'm sure that over time they will
come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the bhurka. Just remind them that
it is all part of respecting his culture and his religious beliefs.

Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks
like you inform us of the proper way to do our job.

Take good care of Ahmed and good luck!

Cordially,
Donnie Rumsfeld

[Protoevangel]

A concerned citizen wrote a letter to the White House complaining about the treatment of a captive taken during the Afghanistan war.

<snip>

Cordially,
Donnie Rumsfeld:D Cute!

[SPALATIN]

Question: Why did the Pope cross the road?

Answer: He crosses everything

[Jim47]

A concerned citizen wrote a letter to the White House complaining about
the treatment of a captive taken during the Afghanistan war.

Below is a copy of the response.

Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks
like you inform us of the proper way to do our job.

Take good care of Ahmed and good luck!

Cordially,
Donnie Rumsfeld

I think this is a wonderful idea :P

Maybe we can get there help in disarming the suciside bombers etc too ^_^

[Jim47]

A concerned citizen wrote a letter to the White House complaining about
the treatment of a captive taken during the Afghanistan war.

Below is a copy of the response.

Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks
like you inform us of the proper way to do our job.

Take good care of Ahmed and good luck!

Cordially,
Donnie Rumsfeld

I think this is a wonderful idea :P

Maybe we can get there help in disarming the suciside bombers etc too ^_^

Maybe we have server problems? I made one click and got a duplicate post. Sorry about that. :confused:

[KagomeShuko]

Question: Why did the Pope cross the road?

Answer: He crosses everything
*groan* cute, but *groan*

So, now I gotta go tell it to my family, of course!

Stein Auf!
Bridget

[KagomeShuko]

I'm reading a part in a skit/dialogue tomorrow for our Wednesday evening service. We doing skits and the Holen Evening Prayer Service for our Wednesday night services. .I LOVE the Holden Evening Prayer Service! (Once again, sorry Martin Haugen haters. . I like what he writes!)

We're using Lost And Found's song "Psalm 121" for the service on Sunday. . .but now I've gotta get used to singing it in the key of F rather than in the key of A.

Stein Auf!
Bridget

[Music4Hym777]

Okay here are a few...

Q: Where is baseball first mentioned in the Bible?
A. Genesis 1:1 In the Big inning

Q: Why does Santa have three Gardens?
A: So he can hoe, hoe, hoe


Okay so a Pastor of a LARGE congregation is about to start the service when two masked men come in holding machine guns...they shout out "Who is willing to die right here and right now for the Lord" most of the people ran out of the room screaming their heads off...calling the police and everything. Three people along with the pastor remained in the pews. One of the gunmen pronounced after everyone was gone, "Okay Pastor, we've gotten all the hypocrites out...you may start the service now"

[filosofer]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde. The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

[Jim47]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde. The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."


Makes perfect sence to me :thumbsup:

[pastel]

While on a car trip, the old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. Pearl left her glasses on the table, but didn't miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around.

Old Bud fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant.

When they finally arrived, as Pearl got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, Bud said, "While you're in there, you may as well get my hat, too."

[KagomeShuko]

Maybe I shouldn't be posting this at such a time in risk of getting in trouble with Rose. . .LOL

http://archive.gamespy.com/comics/dorktower/images/comics/gamespy050.jpg

Stein Auf!
Bridget

[ByzantineDixie]

That's OK...I found the "all your first base are belong to us" modified quote sufficiently redeeming. Yep...one of our boys had the T-shirt (http://www.thinkgeek.com/tshirts/gaming/3777/). :D ------R

[KagomeShuko]

That's OK...I found the "all your first base are belong to us" modified quote sufficiently redeeming. Yep...one of our boys had the T-shirt (http://www.thinkgeek.com/tshirts/gaming/3777/). :D ------R
Gotta love Engrish. . .

Stein Auf!
Bridget

[Protoevangel]

That's OK...I found the "all your first base are belong to us" modified quote sufficiently redeeming. Yep...one of our boys had the T-shirt (http://www.thinkgeek.com/tshirts/gaming/3777/). :D ------RHehe! I like the geek love poem shirt:

roses are #FF0000
violets are #0000FF
all my base
are belong to you


But my favorites have to be:

"Chicks dig UNIX"

and

"Bow before me for I am root"

[ByzantineDixie]

LOL!!! Well, my favorite one is:

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

I was always terrible at base numbers...took me a while to figure this one out....:doh:

:D Rose

[Protoevangel]

:) Just remember, in binary, 1+1=10! ;)

[KagomeShuko]

LOL!!! Well, my favorite one is:

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

I was always terrible at base numbers...took me a while to figure this one out....:doh:

:D Rose
I'm HORRIBLE at binary and base numbers, but I LOVE that shirt. . .and I can say I'm one of the "don't" ones!

My favorite is 2+2=5 for extremely large values of 2! I love that quote and have for a LONG time!

Stein Auf!
Bridget

[pastel]

:) Just remember, in binary, 1+1=10! ;)

Yeah, I remember. Hex, binary, etc.... it fries my brain cells!!

:eek:

[pastel]

Choose your favorite ending to this item:

The Energizer bunny and Peter Cottontail got into an argument. The squabble
quickly escalated until some friends needed to call the police. The two
were arrested and taken to jail.

ENDING #1:
One was later charged with Battery.

ENDING #2:
At their court hearing, the presiding judge, upon reviewing the day's
agenda, said under his breath, "Well, it looks like we are going to have a
bad hare day."

[KagomeShuko]

There are three kinds of people in this world *holds up two fingers*, those who can count, and those who can't.

Stein Auf!
Bridget

[KagomeShuko]

You know, sometimes reading the posts in this thread is just punbearable!

*looks around for Rose*
*runs, ducks, and hides*

Stein Auf!
Bridget

[SPALATIN]

Choose your favorite ending to this item:

The Energizer bunny and Peter Cottontail got into an argument. The squabble
quickly escalated until some friends needed to call the police. The two
were arrested and taken to jail.

ENDING #1:
One was later charged with Battery.

ENDING #2:
At their court hearing, the presiding judge, upon reviewing the day's
agenda, said under his breath, "Well, it looks like we are going to have a
bad hare day."

I like the first ending better.

[pastel]

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like, night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.

5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

10. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese in the trap.

13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

14. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

18. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!

19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

22. How many of you believe in psychokinesis? Raise my hand . . .

23. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.

26. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

30. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

31. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

32. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

33. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

34. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

35. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

36. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what
happened.

37. Just remember--if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

38. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

39. Oh well, I'm just a bug on the windshield of life.

[KagomeShuko]

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like, night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.

5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

10. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese in the trap.

13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

14. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

18. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!

19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

22. How many of you believe in psychokinesis? Raise my hand . . .

23. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.

26. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

30. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

31. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

32. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

33. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

34. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

35. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

36. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what
happened.

37. Just remember--if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

38. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

39. Oh well, I'm just a bug on the windshield of life.
Ah, Steven Wright. ..well, a lot of those, anyway. . not sure about ALL of them!

Stein Auf!
Bridget

[Jim47]

28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.



I'll have to try real hard to remember to pick up some more tommorow at WalMart. :scratch:

[SPALATIN]

Q: How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Five, one to change the bulb and four to discuss how good the old bulb used to be.

[Jim47]

Q: How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Five, one to change the bulb and four to discuss how good the old bulb used to be.

Quit it Scott, yer goona put me in the hospital ^_^

[pastel]

Q: How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Five, one to change the bulb and four to discuss how good the old bulb used to be.

The version of this I heard was A: Change? Lutherans aren't used to change.

:)

[SPALATIN]

The version of this I heard was A: Change? Lutherans aren't used to change.

:)

ANother one could be 1 but he would have to move very slowly.

[Protoevangel]

ANother one could be 1 but he would have to move very slowly.Actually, I think it would take 4. One to change the bulb, two to debate whether thae change was supported by the Lutheran Confessions, and one to break fellowship because of the change.

[KagomeShuko]

The version of this I heard was A: Change? Lutherans aren't used to change.

:)
I get that one, but I don't like it as much. I like what Dan has put. However, I wish I could find it. . .back quite awhile ago in my church, we had a list of Lutheran jokes and there was the light bulb one. It took something like 10 Lutherans to change a light bulb. It had something about coffee and all that in there. So, very Lutheran!

Stein Auf!
Bridget

[pastel]

I get that one, but I don't like it as much. I like what Dan has put. However, I wish I could find it. . .back quite awhile ago in my church, we had a list of Lutheran jokes and there was the light bulb one. It took something like 10 Lutherans to change a light bulb. It had something about coffee and all that in there. So, very Lutheran!

Stein Auf!
Bridget

Yeah, good one... or that they had a potluck afterwards. :thumbsup:

[KagomeShuko]

I'm sitting here and my sister says:

Choose a hat with just a rim and a brim or a steel container filled with consume.

I say, "huh?" because it didn't sound like that. It sounded like she was saying both things were hats.

I say, "the second is a pot of soup." She says it's a can of soup. Okay.

Then she says, "I wanted you to choose soup or visor."

Rose, I told you I live with this all the time! So, it's only fun to spread it, ya know. . .

Stein Auf!
Bridget

[schooner]

One to change the light bulb, three to form a committee, three to discuss whether or not the light bulb needed changing, and three to make coffee.

[SPALATIN]

One to change the light bulb, three to form a committee, three to discuss whether or not the light bulb needed changing, and three to make coffee.

3 to make Coffee? Is making coffee that difficult that it takes 3 of us to accomplish it? or is it that it takes 3 men to figure out how to use the machine (without instructions) before a pot can be made? :scratch:

[Protoevangel]

3 to make Coffee? Is making coffee that difficult that it takes 3 of us to accomplish it? or is it that it takes 3 men to figure out how to use the machine (without instructions) before a pot can be made? :scratch:At my church, two of those would be supervisors.

[SPALATIN]

At my church, two of those would be supervisors.

This last week on Trading Spaces they had all the designers involved in re-decorating 2 houses. The chaos was almost hilarious. It was a case of too many chiefs and not quite enough indians.

So does one supervise the amount of coffee and the other the amount of water used? poor third guy probably just shakes his head and does his own thing anyways.:D

[Rod B]

3 to make Coffee? Is making coffee that difficult that it takes 3 of us to accomplish it? or is it that it takes 3 men to figure out how to use the machine (without instructions) before a pot can be made? :scratch:

In my experience it would be more like two women telling one man how to do it. Of course the two women won't agree, so the guy will just do it his own way anyhow.:)

[KagomeShuko]

One to change the light bulb, three to form a committee, three to discuss whether or not the light bulb needed changing, and three to make coffee.
That's probably the one that was on the sheet at church! Yay! Thank you!

Stein Auf!
Bridget

[pastel]

Hey, I just taught my son how to make coffee in the Mr. Coffee maker...he makes good coffee!! (Shoulda done this a loooong time ago!!) He does drink coffee too. :)

[SPALATIN]

Hey, I just taught my son how to make coffee in the Mr. Coffee maker...he makes good coffee!! (Shoulda done this a loooong time ago!!) He does drink coffee too. :)

I am of the firm belief that if the child has the ability to pour water without spilling too much then they should learn how to make coffee for their parents.

:D

[Protoevangel]

I am of the firm belief that if the child has the ability to pour water without spilling too much then they should learn how to make coffee for their parents.

:DAren't kids supposed to be stoned if they continue to refuse to make coffee for their parents? I know we aren't all about the law, but I think there is an important principle we can learn there! ;)

[SPALATIN]

Aren't kids supposed to be stoned if they continue to refuse to make coffee for their parents? I know we aren't all about the law, but I think there is an important principle we can learn there! ;)

I think it's a matter of discipline and habit. If you get them to do it for 21 days straight it becomes a good habit. If you let them slide one day they will slip into bad habits. THe hard training comes in teaching them not to make it too strong (unless you are a Sealy Salesman) or too weak. ;)

[KagomeShuko]

I am of the firm belief that if the child has the ability to pour water without spilling too much then they should learn how to make coffee for their parents.

:D
I guess I had to be about 8 when I'd first start getting up and making coffee for my mom. She taught me the right amount of water and right amount of grounds to use. . and how to use the machine.

I don't now, but that's because she got one of the fancy timed ones and after that, she got one she keeps in her bedroom.

Stein Auf!
Bridget

[Jim47]

I am the official coffee maker in my house and its goona stay that way. I don't trust anyone else with the most precious part of my day ;) The unfornunate part is my Doc has told me to cut down in the last year or so. I am reluctantly following his directions and not very happy about :cry: There just isn't anything else to take its place.

[SPALATIN]

I guess I had to be about 8 when I'd first start getting up and making coffee for my mom. She taught me the right amount of water and right amount of grounds to use. . and how to use the machine.

I don't now, but that's because she got one of the fancy timed ones and after that, she got one she keeps in her bedroom.

Stein Auf!
Bridget

That's because before the fancy ones with the timer came on the market YOU were her timer. ;)

[KagomeShuko]

That's because before the fancy ones with the timer came on the market YOU were her timer. ;)
Probably so! LOL When I was younger, I always got up early unless I was sick. I still don't tend to really get up all that "late" unless I'm sick or didn't go to bed until 2-3am.

Stein Auf!
Bridget

[ByzantineDixie]

A friend of mine sent this to me (it was posted on CARM by the original author who actually won an award for it!)...it would be wrong of me not to share this with filo:

In the days of Queen Elizabeth I, three men were to be knighted. The man who was preparing them for the ceremony explained to them that the queen really liked Latin, and so it was customary as you were kneeling down to be knighted to say something in Latin, which she would then translate.

On the big day, the first man approached the queen to be knighted. He was educated, and he spoke Latin fluently. As he was kneeling down, he said "Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori." The queen said to the man standing next to her, "That means, 'It is sweet and becoming to die for one's country.'" And she knighted him, and he got up and went back to his place.

The second man was not well educated, but he was Roman Catholic. (At this point the joke loses any historical validity it may have had.) His parish priest had coached him, and had coached him well, and as he was kneeling down to be knighted he crossed himself and said, "In hoc signo vincis." The queen turned to the man standing next to her and said "That means, 'With this sign conquer.'" And she knighted him, and he got up and went back to his place.

The third man was Jewish, and he was in a bind. He did not know any Latin, nor did he know anybody who knew any Latin. As he was kneeling down to be knighted, he said the first thing that came into his mind, which was "Ma nishtanah ha-leilah ha-zeh me-chol ha-leilot." (This is the first question from the Passover seder.) The queen did not speak any Hebrew. A puzzled look came over her face, and turning to the man standing next to her, she asked, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"

[KagomeShuko]

Oh, Dixie, that is horrible. . .*groan*. . .or really good, if s/he's looking for a groan!

Stein Auf!
Bridget

[Tetzel]

Uffda

[Jim47]

I don't get it! ^_^

[KagomeShuko]

Jim, the translations of the Hebrew for the first question for passover is "Why is this night different from all other nights?"

The queen didn't understand a word that knight said, unlike the other knights, and he said that in Hebrew, and then she said, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"

Stein Auf!
Bridget